“Tammad, please!” I gasped out at last, putting a hand to the broad, tanned chest I was being held against. “Rape me if you have to, but don’t torture me any longer. I can’t bear it.”
“I have no interest in raping a woman,” he answered, finally moving calm blue eyes to my face. “A man, in his need, will use the woman he desires, hoping to cause her to desire him as well. Should it prove impossible to kindle this desire, his interest in the woman must necessarily fade, even if only for a short while. There is little pleasure in feeling desire for one who has no desire for you.”
“B—but you can’t mean that!” I stuttered, literally horrified. “You can’t continue making me feel this way and not do anything about it! I’ll explode! I’ll die!”
“Your need does seem much upon you,” he agreed, running a finger down between my breasts to wipe the sweat away. “In times past I gladly saw to such need, yet found little gratitude for the effort. Was I not reviled for having intruded upon your weakness, for having done—ungentlemanly—things? As it is restraint you seem to prefer, I have decided to attempt such restraint. You will undoubtedly be much the happier.”
He turned his attention back to my body then, and suddenly his tongue was on me, licking at a drop of sweat. I choked on the shock that flashed through my body, trying to scream and cry out and argue all at once. I had never been that badly in need before, not without his doing something about it.
“Please, please!” I begged, writhing in his arm against his body. “You can’t leave me like this, please, you can’t!”
“But I do not desire you,” he said very simply, his mind confirming the words as those sober blue eyes returned to me. “The restraint I have imposed upon myself disallows this. I am not a woman, able to perform at any time. Restraint robs a man of ability.”
“Restraint be damned!” I screamed, struggling against the way he held me. “Throw it off! Don’t let it rule you any longer!”
“What reason have I to throw it off?” he asked, raising one eyebrow. “What reason have I to fight it?”
“I’ll give you a reason,” I growled, and pulled so hard I broke his grip, then threw my arms around his neck. His surprise raised both his eyebrows, and then I was too close to see his eyebrows any longer. I kissed him, as hard and demandingly as he had ever kissed me, pressing my body against his to increase the pleasure of contact. He didn’t resist me or try to push me away, but the feeling I wanted didn’t surface in him, and I knew it almost immediately. I kept our lips together for another minute, then finally backed away.
“What am I doing wrong?” I demanded, kneeling in front of him, watching his mind as the faint pleasure he had gotten out of the kiss flickered and died. “Why aren’t you feeling anything?”
“Perhaps the time is wrong,” he shrugged, shifting from his elbow to lie flat on his back. “Perhaps it is no more than the fact that I am uncomfortable in my haddin. It is rather warm in this place.”
“Your haddin,” I mumbled, desperately seizing on anything that could be the reason for his coldness. I quickly turned to the brown body-cloth wrapped around his loins and began tugging at it, looking for the end that would unwrap it. He grunted when my frustration made me pull the wrong end run too hard, then reached down to start the unwrapping for me.
“I had best assist you before your desire unmans me,” he muttered, but I knew he wasn’t laughing at me because his mind showed no laughter. Once he had gotten the end loose I finished the unwrapping, then threw the haddin after my imad and Haddin. He had helped further by raising his hips to let me remove the haddin, but once that was done be lay still again without showing the least amount of interest in me. He looked somewhat foolish with his legs hanging so far off the bed, but I wasn’t in a position to appreciate anything having to do with foolishness.
“Now what do I do?” I asked, shaking my hair away from my face. “Do you need anything else to make you more comfortable? How about a pillow for your head?”
“How will a pillow for my head bring me desire for a woman?” he asked, watching as I bit at my lip. “Only a woman may bring me desire for a woman.”
“Well, I’m a woman,” I pointed out eagerly, moving a little closer to him. “Don’t I do anything to make you desire me? You said you were pleased with my body.”
“Perhaps the sight would do more had you not grown so thin,” he sighed, moving his hand toward me then changing his mind and taking it back. “No, the effort is too great.”
“Please try!” I begged, leaning forward to put my hands on his chest. “I’ll help you if you’ll just tell me what to do!”
“I find myself easily accepting the fact that you have no knowledge of how to excite and please a man,” he said, looking up into my anxious eyes. “What man of your worlds would demand that you please him, you who stands so much higher than he? I suspect all women are treated so, begged for their favor then praised for no more than the use of their bodies. Had I realized this sooner, I would not have accustomed you to no more than acceptance of my use.”
“What are you talking about?” I asked, finding it impossible to follow what he had said. If he was making comparisons again, I didn’t want to know what he was talking about. Every time he made comparisons, a little more of my self-esteem was chipped away.
“It is nothing of immediate concern,” he said, and suddenly he was looking at me differently. His hands came to my arms and he pulled me close, so close he almost could have kissed me. “Should you truly wish my desire, you must say so now,” he rapped, staring at me so sternly I wanted to cringe. “I have no wish to be aroused and then spurned, pushed to one side as though I were a rag. Do you desire me, woman? Will you raise my need and then see to it?”
Numbly, woodenly, I nodded, not really knowing what he was talking about but too desperate to disagree. When he told me what I bad to do to arouse him, I almost cried; I had never done anything like that before and I was sure I’d do something wrong or be sick or maybe even faint. I’d never really fainted before either, but I could see that the longer I associated with the barbarian, the better my chances would become.
It was silly to be timid with a body I knew so well—or thought I knew so well—but I discovered I wasn’t as aggressive as some people considered me. It’s one thing to let a man know where you stand with words, quite another to be the one to begin the exercises. I put my hand out and touched his thigh, lightly, almost without contact, suddenly more shy than I’d been during my very first sexual experience. He lay quietly watching me, his mind totally unanticipating, totally lacking in active cooperation. If I didn’t raise his interest nothing would happen, but I wasn’t sure I could raise his interest. If I were clumsy he would probably give up entirely, and how could I not be clumsy when compared to the other women he’d known? No woman of his world would even consider refusing him, even if it had been her option to refuse. He could have any woman he wanted, as often as he liked, all of them eager to please him and knowing how to do it. I looked at him in misery, finding I had already given up even though I didn’t want to give up, and something of my problem must have touched his understanding. He hesitated very briefly, somehow seemingly considering options, and then his hands were on my arms again, pulling me close. His lips touched mine with less demand than he normally showed, but his mind warmed toward mine, telling me without words that he wanted me and approved of me. The need I had felt till then had been purely physical, but being held in his arms like that extended the need to a psychological one—and satisfied that part of it. He held me gently, with loving approval and I suddenly knew I wouldn’t fail him or disappoint him. I needed to give him pleasure but I also wanted to, more than I’d ever wanted to do anything. The feeling built higher and higher until I couldn’t stand it any longer, until I had to pull from his lips and arms and begin kissing him all over.