“It would not be unpleasant to compare my gifts from your Amalgamation,” he murmured, putting a hand on my side to stroke my hip. “The Gaynor King knows much of that which interests a man, yet you, too, strove to please before you returned to your people. Do you fear you will now be less pleasing than she?”
“You’re absolutely right,” I nodded against my arm, trying to ignore the hand that had moved to my thigh. “I’m way out of her league and couldn’t possibly hope to come anywhere near her expertise. Where she’s a professional, I’m a rank amateur.”
“And yet not unskilled in denying a man,” he said, annoyance suddenly flaring in his mind. “I see you have now taken to agreeing with my words in such a way that argument is as impossible as true agreement. And I now also understand Loddar’s comment upon words and the lack of true obedience behind them. There is as yet no true obedience within you—but there will be.”
His hand came to my right arm to push my shoulders back down to the furs, but his leg kept my hips turned to the left, as they had been. I looked up into the anger in his light eyes, feeling his determination, suddenly remembering he wasn’t a man who could be controlled. He shifted slightly to put his hands to either side of my head in the furs, and stared down directly into my eyes.
“Pose,” he ordered, a flat-voiced command that totally rejected refusal. He was so close above me I could almost feel his body heat, making it impossible to look away from his stare.
“I—I—don’t know how,” I whispered, feeling a weakness roll over my resolve. “Please don’t force me to . . . . ”
“Silence,” he said, knowing it was unnecessary to raise his voice. “This darkness I will have naught save obedience from you, naught save absolute and complete deference to my will. Begin now.”
Wide-eyed, I shrunk down into the furs as far as I could, trying to avoid something he would not let me avoid. I struggled a long time against obeying him, but only on the inside; outside I did everything he demanded, everything he commanded. The positions he ordered me into increased the ache in my tired muscles, but he refused to let me protest. He sat very close to my straining body, his mind throbbing with pleasure, his eyes bright and hard and possessive. The further I went, the more I cringed away from his thoughts, knowing what sight of me was doing to him—and fearing it. His need was usually intense, but that night it was a raging river, threatening to overflow its banks at any time. I trembled as he stared at me, drinking me in, feeling his body’s demands grow stronger and stronger—and then he touched me. I was so frightened of the flood awaiting me I should have screamed, but the sudden explosion of pain-need brought by the touch hit me so hard I gasped and moaned at the same time, disbelieving what was happening. The barbarian laughed softly and moved even closer to me then, knowing he had me completely. He proved the fact to me too long after that, making sure I knew it in every part of me, making sure I was able to deny him nothing. He took whatever be wanted, demanded and was obeyed, filled his cup of pleasure to the top and overflowing. It was a very long time before we slept, but my eventual dreams were filled with tears.
7
Sunrise found us already on our way, our line spread out along the road in a casual manner, no one worried by thoughts of what we might come across. Tammad’s l’lendaa sat their seetarr with confidence, tall and strong and assured, knowing there was very little on the planet that might stand up to them. The seetarr they rode were equally imposing, very large beasts all of black, stiff, bristly manes and tails, shiny, short-haired coats, minds more alert than most beasts of burden. Tammad’s big male had remembered me immediately, and his enormous head had reached down to poke at me as soon as I was close enough, his deep rumble an attempt to soothe the disturbance he could feel in me. I’d stroked his nose to show appreciation for the attempt, but my mood had stayed the way it was. At that point it would have taken considerably more than a seetar’s interest to comfort me.
I’d awakened in the dark of predawn that morning feeling absolutely terrible, and it hadn’t taken long to dredge up a reason for the feeling. The night before the barbarian had gotten everything he’d wanted from me, up to and including the sharing of my emotions. After everything I’d said, after all the resolves I’d made—I’d still given him whatever he’d wanted. I’d hated and despised myself then and had tried to slip out of the furs to leave the tent, but my first movement had awakened Tammad, ending all thoughts of escape. The barbarian had been filled with satisfaction, and had taken me in his arms to kiss me, only then discovering the silent tears that wet my cheeks. He wiped them away with a gentle apology for any pain he might have given me, but it hadn’t been the way he’d lost himself the night before that had caused the tears. It was true he had hurt me then, but I had hurt me more.
After a fast breakfast and a stowing of gear, we were ready to go. I was ordered up behind Tammad and Gay King rode behind Loddar, but Garth and Len were given seetarr of their own. Len, reaching the mind of his mount, relaxed at once, but Garth took considerably longer to get comfortable. Len sat proudly in the blue haddin he’d been given to replace his own clothes, Garth retained his kilt with a sense of accomplishment, and Gay King wore a comfortable one-piece jumper of pale green from the luggage she’d been allowed to keep. I wore a fresh imad and caldin supplied by the barbarian—of the same pink as the first outfit. Tammad enjoyed seeing me in pink, and couldn’t understand why the gift had darkened my already bleak silence even further.
The day grew warm and beautiful, the sun rising to bring life back into the land, the air like silken perfume, the blue sky, the green trees—absolutely horrible. Everything and everyone around me was happy and satisfied, pleased with the world and glad to be alive; I was the only dark spot in the sunshine, and it was very frustrating. I simply did not want to be where I was, but could see no way out of the trap. As long as Tammad was satisfied with me—and there was no denying that—then I was stuck and stuck good. I’d even tried casually wandering away that morning, but Kennan and Loddar and a couple of other l’lendaa just happened to turn up directly in my path. I knew they’d been watching me after seeing their denday’s expansive satisfaction, but I hadn’t realized just how closely until they turned me back toward the camtahh with wide grins and a smack on the bottom from Loddar. I was half hoping they’d tell on me—anything to dent the barbarian’s satisfaction—but no such luck. They liked the frame of mind Tammad was in and weren’t about to do anything to change it.
Riding along the road that way quickly grew very boring. I sat behind Tammad on his seetar, my fingers in his swordbelt to keep me from sliding off, seeing nothing past that big body but the limited view to either side of him which wasn’t very appealing. My mind, looking for distraction, stumbled into Garth’s, who rode a short distance away from us up ahead. I couldn’t see him, but I could certainly feel the frantic way his mind was working, probably in an effort to distract him from his worries and uncertainties. Len had started out riding next to him, but not much time had passed before my brother empath had moved out of range to spare himself the mental clamor. I could feel Len about fifty feet back, chatting with two of the l’lendaa, happy as a child on a trip day in Tallion City.
I don’t know exactly when the idea touched me, but suddenly I knew the true meaning of temptation. While growing up I had never been allowed to experiment with my talent, and there had been enough weak empaths around to make sure I followed the rules. I had been stronger than my guardians and teachers almost from the first, but they didn’t have to be able to stop me—only tell that I was doing something wrong. They’d waited until the first time I broke Rule One—the rule covering experimentation—and then had put me in a Silent Room. I was only in there a couple of hours, but being in a shielded area at such a young age seemed the equivalent of full sensory deprivation to me. I’d started to cry and then had kept on crying until they’d let me out, then had eagerly promised never to break Rule One again. It was a lot of years since I’d even considered it, but the realization finally came that my teachers were too far behind me to catch me again.