I knelt rock-still with my eyes closed, sure I was going to be sick. Len had sent his own feelings along with the story, and it was all too much. I had never been so shocked and sickened in my life, which had surely been his purpose.
“The same thing could have happened to you, Terry,” he persisted, his voice grating at my ears. “Invaded men do invading of their own, and usually not as gently as I’m doing. You’re a Prime; do you think you could stop men from doing that to you?”
I shook my head spasmodically, shuddering, nearly spilling the stew out of the bowl. I’d die if it happened, but I could never stop it.
“I hope you really have learned your lesson,” he said, finally taking his hand away from me. “Once you get over the shock of hearing that story, don’t let yourself begin believing it could never happen here and to you. My share of the pogrom would be the easy share; yours wouldn’t.
I felt his hand at the bowl, trying to take it away from me, but I was clutching it so tightly he couldn’t do it. My eyes were still closed tight and my breathing was so hard and ragged I was nearly sobbing, feeling even more frightened than I’d felt when a predator of that world had launched itself at me. Len was gently trying to pry my fingers loose when I suddenly let go, threw myself to my feet, and ran to Tammad. I didn’t realize that his arms were open and waiting for me until I was already huddled against him, held tight to his chest as I shuddered and cried. I hadn’t wanted to go to him that way but Len had given me no choice, sending me to Tammad’s arms as surely as though he had dragged me there by main force. Satisfaction was all around me, mostly from Tammad but also from Garth and Len, who shouldn’t have cared as much. I didn’t understand what was happening, but I found myself choking out over and over again, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it, please, I’m sorry!” and Tammad murmuring back that he knew and it was all right. It wasn’t all right, but I was too miserable to argue the point.
When I was finally over most of the hysterics, I was sent to apologize to Garth in the same way I had apologized to Len. I couldn’t believe Garth would make me do it after what I’d gone through, but his mind was as firmly determined as Len’s had been. I knelt in front of him, sniffled out my apology, then gave him what had by them most probably become ice-cold stew. He took the bowl reluctantly, told me he didn’t think much of my apology, then sent me back to Tammad, who looked at me with sober disappointment before asking for his own bowl. I brought the bowl with brand-new tears glistening in my eyes, but none of them seemed interested in my tears any longer. They sat and talked as they ate, ignoring me completely, not even noticing when I crept to the drape and huddled against it and the tent wall. Their minds said they didn’t think much of me, and I really couldn’t blame them. After what I had done, I didn’t think much of me either.
They took their time finishing their meal, Len and Garth asking questions about Rimilia, Tammad answering them. They’d all purposely overlooked the fact that I hadn’t eaten anything, and I was very grateful. One word from Tammad and I would have stuffed down whatever they gave me, but it would undoubtedly have come right back up again. I lay curled up in a ball in the corner made by the drape and the wall, glad to be left alone for a while but wishing they would hurry up and finish. I had to talk to Tammad alone, to try explaining to him why I’d done what I had. I really didn’t understand it yet myself, but it had to do with being lonely and feeling unwanted and not fitting in anywhere. I didn’t know what good explaining would do, especially after the way I’d run to him, but I wanted him to understand why I couldn’t stay. He was trying to build a bright, new world, and didn’t need anyone around who would bring it crashing down on his head. Even if he didn’t particularly care about me, I could no longer deny what I felt for him.
The meal wound down the way all meals do, but just as they were standing up to part company another visitor arrived. I grabbed the drape and held it in front of me as Loddar came in, nodding to Len and Garth as he stopped in front of Tammad.
“Denday, you sent for me?” Loddar asked, his mind faintly curious. “Is there a service I might do for you?”
“Indeed,” the barbarian smiled, putting a hand on the l’lenda’s shoulder. “I am told, Loddar, that your ride this day was a most uncomfortable one, due entirely to the efforts of another. You were also told this?”
“Aye, denday,” he nodded, a sour annoyance immediately touching him. “Though any man is at times familiar with such feelings, increasing them when there is no opportunity for relief is a low act, fit only for one who has not the courage to attack openly. Had the wenda been mine, her punishment would have been more complete.”
“Then perhaps you would care to complete her punishment,” the barbarian said, turning to look at me and drawing Loddar’s eyes with him. “Her use is yours for this darkness, Loddar, in payment for what was done to you.”
Loddar’s eyes gleamed as his mind filled with satisfaction to come, paying no attention to the way I shook my head and shrank back farther behind the drape. Tammad knew how I hated being given to other l’lendaa, but he was doing it anyway just to add to my misery. I could see he was trying is make the lesson as unforgettable as possible, but for me it was already beyond unforgettable. I squirmed the rest of the way behind the drape and crawled away from it, looking for my clothes before remembering they were still in a heap in the front of the pavilion. There was nothing left to do but crawl into my furs and pull them over my head and pretend no one would find me like that; I didn’t want to be just sitting there when Loddar came after me.
It didn’t take very long for Loddar to do the expected, but not all of what he did came under the same heading. Five minutes after I had buried myself in furs, two hands touched me through them, the mind behind the hands chuckling in amusement. Loddar was just making sure I was in the pile of furs before taking the next step, and that was the part that came as a surprise. Instead of pulling me out of the furs and giving me my clothes, he lifted me, furs and all, and threw me over his shoulder. I howled and beat at his back, knowing he was going to take me out of there with nothing but the furs around me, and that’s just what he did. Tammad, Garth and Len grinned as I was carried past them clutching the bottom fur to my chin, but their grins turned to out and out laughter when the top fur was pulled away from me entirely! I lay on one fur over Loddar’s broad shoulder, my bands holding to it with a death grip, his left arm circling my knees—but nothing else covering me! I howled even louder at the laughter coming from the people we passed and struggled to get loose, but what chance did I have against a l’lenda? And even if I did get loose, where would I go without clothes? Loddar laughed heartily at my frantic yelp when his big hand slowly stroked my bottom, but it was only the beginning of his exacting payment in full. His usual broad stride had become no more than a stroll, to allow everyone in camp to see what be carried, but we reached his camtah sooner than I thought we would. When he bent under the verandah to carry me inside I discovered I wasn’t ready—not for anything and especially not for paying a debt—but that didn’t make much difference on Rimilia. Loddar threw me on top of his own furs, quickly removed his swordbelt and haddin, and was down beside me before I had fought my way loose from the covering fur he had stood himself on. As he took me in his arms he let himself remember and acknowledge the raging need I had aroused in him earlier that day, his body and mind bursting into a flame so strong it nearly lit the darkness we lay in. I whimpered and tried to send. him my fear, but his lips cut off the whimper and his mind refused to hear the fear. My body still ached from the beating Tammad had given me, but that didn’t make any difference to him either. He crushed me to him, running his hands all over me, then put me beneath him to take everything I owed—and then some.