I watched her get to her feet and head resolutely for the door, and couldn’t control the urge to peek. Opening my shield was still somewhat painful, but it didn’t take long to confirm Aesnil’s intentions. She meant to do what she said she would, and that was all I needed to know.
“Wait,” I called, and her reluctance when she stopped and turned back to me was real. “Speaking the truth now will do no more than delay our departure,” I said, knowing my voice carried conviction. “Should you wish to make amends for what you have done, do not delay our departure.”
She hesitated, clearly struggling within herself, trying to decide between what was right and what was desirable. She seemed to have begun changing from the arrogant brat I’d known only a couple of days earlier, but I doubted if she saw the change in herself as yet. She was beginning to think about others, beginning to step out of the limelight now and then. She hesitated another moment, still unsure, then slowly returned to the side of my bed to sit down.
“As it is your wish, I will not speak of what I have done,” she grudged, not sounding happy about it. “Although I fear Cinnan’s anger, I will not lie to save myself from him, and this failure to speak feels much like a lie. The storms without have begun to lose their fury, and it is believed they will be gone by dark. Will you be able to travel by dark?”
“If necessary, I will crawl,” I assured her, shifting to get more comfortable on the furs. “How will you find yourself able to return here at dark? Will Cinnan not demand that you remain in your apartments and see to his needs?”
“I foresaw the problem and have already seen to it,” she answered with a headshake. “When you and that other were first brought here, I informed Cinnan that tradition demanded the presence of one of the blood here in the fortress as long as strangers were to be found within. He knows little of my family’s traditions, and allowed the thing after only a brief hesitation. To see to his needs he must visit me here, which he has not failed to do. In his absence he leaves a guard at the foot of the bridge, thinking me in such a way penned within. A pity he will soon be disillusioned.”
“What of this other you speak of?” I asked, partly to distract her from the bitterness I could see in her eyes, partly to find out how Len was doing. “Has he regained consciousness as yet? Has the pain lessened its hold upon him?”
“He fares at least as well as you,” she answered, taking a deep breath. “He has regained his senses, and complains that the storms have not yet ceased. Also, he allows the slave who brings his tray to feed him. Though I have not been officially declared slave, you must allow me to do the same for you. Should your strength fail through lack of sustenance, it may well mean the end of both of us; we depart together, so shall we remain together, for I will not abandon you.”
Even without opening my shield, I could feel the truth and determination in what she said. It was possible she was trying to make up for what she had done to everyone else by being loyal and straight with me, but her reasons didn’t really matter much. When someone offers you absolute loyalty without asking more than a little in return, it’s very difficult to refuse.
“Very well,” I said with a sigh, not sure how far willingness would take me. “I will attempt to build my strength as you wish.”
Aesnil smiled encouragingly and went for the first bowl, and I managed to eat more than I thought I could. Being beaten doesn’t do much for the digestion, but being angry rather than frightened and shaky seems to compensate for that. I ate everything I could stuff down, more than I wanted but less than Aesnil wanted, then finally called a halt. It wouldn’t help either one of us if I threw up everything I’d swallowed, and she seemed to understand that. She put back the last bowl with only a small amount of reluctance, helped me finish the last of the light wine she’d had brought, then left me alone. I moved around on the bed furs trying to get comfortable, thinking I’d earned some more undisturbed brooding time, but it turned out I was mistaken. Not five minutes later I became aware of the presence of someone else in the room, and when I twisted around I saw Tammad standing just inside the doorway.
“The Chama tells me that this time you have obediently eaten nearly all that was brought you,” he said, slowly stepping farther into the room. “It pleases me that you were obedient.”
I stared at him very briefly then turned completely away, unwilling to hear anything he had to say, unwilling even to look at him. There was silence for short while, and then he was standing directly behind me.
“Wenda, I came to see how you fared,” he said, sounding as calm and contained as he always did. “Though the strapping you had was well earned, it may perhaps have been a trifle-harsh. I would know what pain you continue to have.”
I bit back the urge to be sarcastic and just kept quiet, knowing well enough that sarcasm wasn’t called for. I usually reserved sarcasm for people I could like, and the barbarian didn’t qualify.
“Wenda, I hear no words from you,” he said after a moment, his tone showing nothing of the touch of annoyance I was sure was in his mind. “I asked after what pain you felt.”
When I still didn’t answer, his hand went to the fur covering me and pulled it aside. I could imagine from his silence what he was seeing, knowing damned well what it felt like. He’d been furious when he’d beaten me, and my back hurt even when I did no more than breathe. Between the leather swordbelt and the strength of his anger, my back must have been a fascinating sight.
“I—feared as much,” he said at last, his voice nearly a whisper as he gently replaced the fur. “How great a fool a man is, who loses himself to anger when his intention is merely to punish. Come and let me hold you, hama, and swear that I will never again be such a fool. Open your mind and share the pain with me, for I have earned that and more.”
He put his hands to my shoulders, waiting for me to turn and be held, but I didn’t want to be held by him. I wanted to be left alone to wipe away the damp film hanging in front of my eyes, to finally make myself understand how really alone I was on that world. I hated being so alone, bat it was all I’d ever be.
“Hama, do not hold yourself so far from me,” he whispered, the tips of his fingers just touching my shoulders. “Never will I love another as I love you, this you must believe though you disbelieve all else you have ever heard. Never have I wished pain for you, yet pain is all I bring. Turn to my arms so that I may hold you close, and swear that I will never bring you such pain again.”
I lay still in the furs, my eyes closed, feeling the pain he spoke of even without repeating it in my mind. I couldn’t stand any more, not without collapsing or going insane, and not moving was the easiest of all impossible options. He waited a very long time behind me, not saying another word, but even the worst of tortures has to end. When I heard the door close I knew he was gone, and I cried as hard as I ever had in my life.
I slept for a while after the sobs finally left me, jerking awake only once in the grip of a bad dream. Once it was gone I couldn’t remember what it had been about, but I was nearly afraid to go back to sleep. When I finally woke all the way another tray was being brought into the room, but this time the slave was alone. I bit back the urge to ask her where the Chama was, waited until she’d left, then gingerly opened my shield. The static-pain I’d felt from the storm was gone, letting me open my mind wide to stretch after what seemed like years of confinement. It felt good to spread out, but that was all I accomplished. If Aesnil was within range of my mind, she was either unconscious or dead.