I moved my body even more gingerly than I had my mind, this time finding pain but a lot less than I thought I would. I got up and walked and stretched, cursing the barbarian with every twinge, wondering if it was too early to begin worrying about Aesnil. I wasn’t quite sure whether dark had already fallen outside, but if it hadn’t it couldn’t be far off. Had she changed her plans, been delayed—or gotten caught? There was absolutely no way of telling until and unless the ax fell on me as well, a method of gaining answers I would have preferred avoiding. The bare stone floor under my feet made me shiver, so I hurried back to the bed furs and lay down again, determined not to borrow trouble. Time enough to decide something had gone wrong if morning carne and Aesnil still hadn’t shown up. A pity I hadn’t thought to ask her where her bolt-hole was when I’d had the chance.
Subjective time is always a burden, even when pain isn’t involved. It either creeps or flies, depending on what you’re involved in, depending on how distracted or bored or anxious you are. I shifted around all over the bed furs, got up and walked to the tray of food, decided I had no appetite worth mentioning, walked back to the bed furs again, then nearly tore my hair. Despite the fact that time was creeping, it had been passing; what sort of crisis could possibly be keeping Aesnil?
When the door to the room finally opened, I had to stifle a gasp as I whirled around. I’d been so distracted with worrying that it could have been anyone barging in, but it was only Aesnil. She slipped inside and closed the door quickly and quietly, then turned to me as she leaned against it.
“There was an unforseen delay,” she panted, pushing back her long blond hair with her free hand. The other hand clutched a bundle of cloth, and it was clear she’d been hurrying.
“What was the cause of the delay” I asked, waiting for my heart to stop pounding. “Does someone suspect what we are about to attempt?”
“No,” she answered, shaking her head as she swallowed large draughts of air. “No, we are not suspected. It was simply that—Cinnan came to me before returning to his apartments in the outer palace.”
She walked over to the bed furs and sat down on them, dropping her bundle as she shook her head to clear the damp hair from her face. She wasn’t saying anything else aloud, but her mind was clamoring and whirling so wildly she should have been shouting or screaming or jumping around. I stood it for as long as I could—about thirty seconds—then went to sit down next to her.
“What disturbs you so deeply” I asked, ready to put an arm around her. “What has Cinnan done that affects you so strongly?”
“He has done nothing—and much,” she stumbled, turning painfully confused eyes to me. “When he came to visit me, it was as though he cared for me. He made no demands, found no fault with my actions, sought no vengeance at the expense of my dignity. Though I had no wish to be held by him, he took me in his arms and spoke gently of love, a thing he had never spoken of before. I had thought he had banded me solely out of a sense of duty, and I had greatly feared being bound to one who felt no more than duty toward me. When he touched his lips to mine it was as though a spell had been cast upon me, turning my flesh to liquid and destroying my will to resist him. When he took my body I was overwhelmed, so thoroughly that I was unable to stir for some time after he left me. Now—now I am here.”
“And considerably more reluctant to depart than earlier,” I commented, finally able to resolve some part of her emotions. “You now wish to remain with him, to learn more of his intentions and feelings. He is no longer the man you thought to run from.”
“Yes, I now wish to remain yet I may not do so.” she whispered, looking down at her lap while misery flared in her mind. “The thought has come to me that his love has been professed merely to insure the presence of a Chama, one who will rule as the laws of the land demand. Would his duty not then be properly seen to, without difficulty and without disgrace? While deep within my body he laughingly called me small girl-child, yet he errs in believing me a child. I am not a child, and will not be gulled as easily as a child. I will leave Grelana, and never again return.”
She somehow managed to keep the tears out of her eyes, but I could see them plainly in her mind. I gave in to the urge to put an arm around her shoulders, then patted her awkwardly.
“Aesnil, should you wish the truth, I am able to give it to you,” I said, automatically trying to soothe the misery in her mind. “That Cinnan feels love for you is beyond doubt, for he has spoken to me of his feelings and I was able to verify them. You may believe him without fear of being gulled.”
“I cannot believe him!” she cried, twisting away from my arm as her mind twisted away from my comfort. “How may I believe him?”
“For what reason can you not?” I countered, seeing her agitation even in her back. “Is it not part of my power to know such things? Have I not assured you of the truth of his words?”
“And what of his actions?” she demanded, whirling back to face me. “Have I not also the truth of his actions? Was he not the one returned me to my apartments from the vendra ralle, already aching from the strapping he had given me, only to rip my gown from me as though I were a slave? Was he not the one who then forced the degradation of slavery upon me, demanding that I bow to him and serve him and beg his use of my body? When I angrily refused he strapped me again, beating me till I was unable to deny him. These are not the actions of a man who feels love, Terril, and it is for that reason that I cannot believe you.”
She took her gaze away from me and went back to the bundle she had brought, wiping angrily at her eyes with the back of her hand. I closed my lips again without speaking further, knowing from the shut-tight feel of her mind that she would refuse to listen to anything else on that subject. That she refused to believe the truism that angry men do vengeful things, I could understand; the thought was highly disturbing to any woman who had to deal with them—after getting them angry. What I couldn’t understand was her refusal to believe what I had to say. I could see it all so much more clearly and unemotionally than she; why didn’t she believe me?
“We must hurry if we are to make good our escape,” Aesnil said, immediately banishing all questions on belief from my mind. “I have stolen clothing for us, for gowns will not do upon the journey we undertake. The fit will not be perfect, yet it matters little as we cannot hope to do better.”
I didn’t understand her comment until I saw the clothing, and then I understood only too well. She had brought two sets of the clothing her guard wore, loose, wide-sleeved shirts and baggy trousers, with wide leather belts to cinch them. The only thing she hadn’t brought was the sort of heavy sandals the men wore, undoubtedly for the obvious reason. Clothing can be forced into fitting; leather sandals can’t be. It took another minute to realize a second obvious thing, which made me revise my opinion on how unselfish the Chama was growing: Aesnil already wore a pair of sandals, her own. The only one who would be going barefoot was me.
Ten minutes later saw us both in the new clothing, and to say the fit wasn’t perfect was at least an accurate description—as far as it went. Considering the size of Rimilian men, we didn’t have to be wearing the clothes of the largest of them for us to feel we were wrapped in tents. The brown and yellow shirt I wore came down to just past my knees, making it almost unnecessary to lug on the brown pants. If it hadn’t been for the red leather belt—supplied with extra buckle holes all the way around its circumference—I couldn’t have walked more than a step and a half without being hobbled. Aesnil’s outfit was blue and gray with blue pants, but even her extra inch or so of height didn’t make it better than mine. We rolled and tied sleeves and trouser legs with strips of leather, then decided not to waste any more time. If the outfits came apart we could fix them later, somewhere where there was less risk of getting caught.