“Father, I fear you have bruised the feelings of my little bird,” Dallan said, his voice trying hard to exclude the sound of pity. “Her tears are a sight I have no wish to become more familiar with, yet they now appear distressingly upon her cheeks.”
“Wenda, forgive me if I have given you insult or pain,” Rellis said immediately, resonating to a strong sense of dismay. “I should not have spoken as I did within your hearing, for my words are certain to have been misinterpreted by you. A woman has other strengths than those of a man, ones which give to her . . . .
I rose to my feet and headed for the door, cutting off Rellis’ overblown and circuitous attempt at apology. There was no need for apology, not under those particular circumstances, especially not if I didn’t want to hate myself any more than I already did. I was a poking, prying, sneak of a coward, and even I couldn’t stand being near me. I got the door open and hurried out into the hall, almost bumping my nose on the guards out there, but I didn’t have to wade through them. Without my knowing it Rellis was right behind me, and the guards stepped back when he took my arm.
” I will now see the wenda to her chamber,” the Chamd of Gerleth announced, looking around at his men. “You are to accompany us, and then guard her door.”
His hand on my arm directed me up the corridor, giving me no opportunity to disagree even if I’d wanted to. It wasn’t my door that was going to be guarded, but I didn’t care any longer; all I cared about was being alone. The hall made no impression on me, nor the number of doors we passed, only the one we eventually stopped at. Rellis opened it and urged me through first, followed after, then closed it behind himself.
“You may consider this chamber yours, wenda,” he said, gesturing with one arm. “Though it is rare for a banded woman to sleep any place other than at the side of him who has banded her, it is best that you do so. When your proper ownership is once again plainly established, you will no longer need to occupy empty furs.”
I walked away from him and further into the small room, distantly aware of the lack of red and gold. Brown and green and tan and white were the room’s colors, to be found on the silks on the walls and single window, in the fur carpeting and low pile of bed furs, in the carved wood of the single, small table, in the two candles still lit in their sconces. The room was a box compared to what I had recently grown used to, but what difference did it make’.? It would hold me without fuss and presumption, without the need to impress. I neither wanted nor needed to be impressed just then; what I needed was to be left alone.
“How great an ache I feel in your silence,” Rellis sighed, his voice coming from directly behind me. “Should you wish to speak with one who will listen willingly, I need not depart immediately.” When I didn’t move even to reject his offer he sighed again, then put his hands on my arms from behind. “Wenda, there is one other thing I must do, and then I will leave you to the solitude you so clearly long for. Had I not agreed to this doing, my son and the denday Tammad would not have agreed to leaving you unclaimed for the darkness. It will be distressing, I know, yet it will continue no longer than the darkness. ”
I didn’t know what he was talking about, but again I was given no choice. His hands on my arms steered me to the bed furs and down onto them, and then he was lifting something metallic toward me. I immediately began to struggle, but when has struggle ever gotten me anything on that world? The metal collar attached to a chain was still closed around my throat with a click, and then Rellis had the nerve to hold me to him in an effort to calm me.
“No, wenda, there is nothing you may do for it,” he soothed, stroking my back with one hand. “It was feared by Dallan and Tammad that you would either attempt escape or seek to take your life if none were with you, therefore was the restraint agreed upon. I, myself, would have remained to spare you the need for it, yet such an action would scarcely be wise. The restraint will not be taken with your charms.”
He held me tightly up against him, stroking me slowly, outwardly calm but inwardly watching for the least sign of invitation. With my face and body against him, feeling his warmth and strength, it was difficult not showing the hint he was looking for; when it comes to Rimilian males, I’ve been well conditioned. But despite the conditioning I really needed to be alone, and there was only one way to guarantee that. Reaching out gently toward Rellis, I touched him with boredom.
Boredom is one of those magic emotions that can bring any number of reactions. Some people eat when they’re bored, some pace, some yawn and stretch, some close their eyes for a nap, some develop an overwhelming urge to go and do. Rellis was clearly the type to react in the last way, and that’s just what he did. His mind told him he was wasting his time, and after a final hug he let me go, patted my cheek gently, then got up and left the room. Once he was gone I was able to unclamp my jaw, then stretched out on the furs.
The problem of Rellis was no problem at all, not by itself and certainly not when compared to my major problem. My hand absently stroked the dark brown fur I lay on while I tried to decide if I could consider the thing unemotionally. As a creature of emotions, I finally had to admit I was touched more by them, not less, and that made everything much more difficult.
A few minutes earlier I’d been ready to blame everything that had happened squarely on myself, but that was no more true than that I was totally innocent. The barbarian had beaten me when he’d thought I’d manipulated Aesnil, and for a minute or two I’d thought he might have been justified, but that wasn’t so. He’d spoken of the way I’d failed him, and maybe I had, but was it fair of him to demand what he did of me? He wanted me because of my abilities, but he didn’t want those abilities exercised except at his express instructions. If my ability had been super-keen hearing, it was as though he wanted me to listen only at approved times, and ignore what I heard at any other time. How do you stop yourself from hearing? How do you turn your hearing off except at certain specified times? You can stop yourself from hearing altogether by filling your ears with cotton or wax, but how do you stop the reflex to hear without those things? It was impossible, just as impossible as not picking up emotions without shielding completely.
I moved in some discomfort on the bed fur, reluctantly willing to admit that I’d made the mistake of intruding with my abilities more than once, but not willing to admit that it was all my fault. With my newly developing powers I was like a child just beginning to learn how to walk, aware of the potential danger but too wrapped up in the bright, glittering newness of it to be cautious. I’d been punished for my intrusions, a sure-fire way of learning to be cautious if there ever was one, but too much of the punishment had been harsh beyond the need to teach, bringing resentment rather than regret. It was all part of being on that world, all part of the victim syndrome that was making me hate everything and everyone I came in contact with. I didn’t want to be a victim; in fact I refused to be one, and that didn’t sit well with the men of the world. I couldn’t fight all of them but that was just what I was doing, and the result had been painful, to say the least. They were afraid of what I might do, and had a right to be afraid, but I had some rights, too. If they couldn’t live with what I was they had no right to change me, only to let me go.