“The trail has widened somewhat,” Tammad observed, also looking around into the receding darkness where only the faint glow of the floor appeared, and that for only a short distance away. “Were you told of any markings we might follow?”
“I was given no more information than you,” Dallan admitted, and then his questing thoughts centered on an idea. “However, as we know we are to descend farther into the mountain, let us search out the direction which most seems to lead downward.”
“There,” the barbarian said, his shadow arm pointing to the right of our descent and close to the rock wall we had come down. “The glow of the floor disappears sooner than it should.”
“It does indeed,” Dallan agreed, studying the area that had been pointed out to him. “Let us by all means investigate it.”
Again Dallan strode away, and again I would have stayed behind if at all possible, but I didn’t seem destined to be forgotten. The barbarian stood waiting for me, impatience in his mind, but I wasn’t in the mood to be rushed. I’d put down the bundle I’d been carrying in order to rub my feet, and I had to retrieve it before I could follow after Dallan. Moving very slowly and deliberately I turned my back on the giant shadow six feet away, hoping he could see me well enough to understand the snub, then reached down just as slowly and deliberately for the bundle. I was sure I would be able to spot any anger in his his mind soon enough to avoid whatever unpleasantness he might consider, but it hadn’t occurred to me that he might have been expecting some sort of gesture of defiance from me and was prepared for it. I was watching so carefully for anger, that he was right behind me and lifting me off the floor by an arm around my waist before I knew what was happening.
“Clearly do I recall having once instructed you regarding the offering of temptation,” he said very softly as his hand came to me beneath the very short skirt. “As you seem to have forgotten the lesson, I shall repeat it in another manner.”
I almost choked trying to scream, but nothing forced itself through my straining throat but mewling. He held me backwards under his left arm, letting his right hand do what it always did to me, adding to the punishment Rellis had given me earlier. I kicked wildly and clawed at the back of his leg with my left hand, dying from the fire he caused so easily, and suddenly a burst of amusement came from his mind.
“I see you have been well prepared to give warmth through the darkness,” he chuckled, abruptly setting me back on my feet and crouching, but not withdrawing his hand. “I shall do nothing to ruin that preparation, for you have as yet to learn your natural place among men. Such preparation will do well in teaching it you. Take your bundle and follow the drin Dallan.”
If I could have spoken I would have babbled that I couldn’t follow Dallan, not yet, but words were beyond me. I put both of my hands on one of his broad shoulders and tried to impale myself on his hand, but he refused to allow that. He had me squatting and grasping his knee before I realized that he had no intention of easing me, and in fact had withdrawn his hand entirely. He was still punishing me for being insolent with him, punishing me more horribly than if he had raped me the way he had the first time, and I wanted to curse at him for being able to deny me his body the way I could never do with him. With soft sobs choking me I groped for my bundle, found it and pulled it to me, then forced myself erect and staggered after Dallan. I could feel the tears running down my cheeks in a steady stream, but their moisture did nothing to quench the flames in my body.
I rounded the dark curve and followed it downward as fast as I could move without falling, catching sight of Dallan’s outline in no more than a minute. He moved forward more slowly than he had earlier, his mind alert as he looked around, and I was glad he couldn’t really see me even when he glanced back. Thinking through the chaos in my mind was impossible, but I didn’t have to think to know how much furious misery I was filled with. They all took advantage of me, every one of those oh-so-mighty l’lendaa of Rimilia, and if I never saw any of them again I would laugh in delight every day of a very long life. I stepped on a pebble and hurt my foot even more than it had been hurting, but that was just another thing to add to all the rest. It was all I could do to stand straight and keep moving, thanks to the punishment I’d had from those wonderful men who were so much kinder than Hamarda slave-masters.
The half-trail we were on continued to wind down and around, gradually enough to cover more horizontal distance than vertical through that faintly illuminated darkness. After we’d been walking for an endless time we reached another vast level that spread out into the darkness all around, and again the two men walked a short way ahead to see if they could pick out the next proper direction. Despite the fact that I was dark-chilled, tired from walking, and still in terrible discomfort, I waited until the two were definitely looking away, then slipped off quietly into the darkness to the left of the trail we’d come down. I stayed close to the wall and worked at getting out of sight as fast as possible, having decided more than an hour earlier to lose myself at the first opportunity, stay out of sight until they had given up and left, and then try to head back alone. There was always the possibility that I might lose myself so well that I’d never find the way back, but at that point I really didn’t care. The thought of dying in the ghost-glow of the mountain’s heart wasn’t nearly so depressing as the thought of continuing on in the company that had been forced on me. Once I was out of sight and sound of them I sealed my heaving emotions behind the shield that would keep me from betraying myself, took a tighter grip on the bundle that had grown heavier with the passage of time, and broke into a choppy run.
I ran until I couldn’t control the gasping of my breath, hurried until my legs turned to liquid, then forced myself to walk on a bit farther, holding onto the rock wall with my left hand to make sure I didn’t lose it. If there had been a giant crevasse directly in my path I wouldn’t have seen it, but that possibility fell more into the category of kindness than disaster. I had been too miserable to be hungry earlier, but all the exertion I’d gone through reminded me that I’d been given nothing for breakfast, and I felt hollow as well as thirsty. I stumbled over a fair-sized boulder and scraped my hand on the rock wall trying to stay erect, and while I was flatly refusing to cry over the pain, I became aware of the cave.
The gap was no more than two feet ahead of me, low enough down on the wall that I would have missed it if I’d continued on the way I’d been going—my hand would have crossed above it. I moved forward the two feet slowly, looking down at it, then abruptly cleared my shield briefly to search the space. No living minds seemed to be behind the gap, so I got down on my hands and knees and peered inside. The space was all of eight feet wide and four deep, just big enough to achieve box status, but that was tine with me. There were no deep recesses where unimaginable monsters might be hiding, just a place where I might hide. Without thinking about it any further, I crawled inside.
I put aside the leather bundle I’d been carrying, sat for a minute looking around myself, then lay down on my side, facing away from the small entrance. The rock was hard and cold and uneven, but it was better than standing up and even better than sitting. When I sat I could see myself against the surrounding greenish glow, a dark outline—figured with no details visible, with no depth or reality. It was typical of the way I felt on that planet, that I had no true reality. People looked at me and spoke to me—and abused me—without ever thinking of me as being real or being worthy of consideration. The words concerning consideration were there, but a real understanding of me wasn’t. It was not only painful it was wearying, and I was sick of fighting the tide. I pushed aside the wildly swirling thoughts clamoring for attention I was in no condition to give them, and simply closed my eyes.