“Since our return, I find myself tiring much too easily,” Dallan said, stretching carefully among the cushions before rising to his feet. “As darkness has already fallen, I believe I shall seek my furs again and hope to fare better when I awake. Is it your intention to do the same, denday Tammad?”
“In truth, my intentions lie elsewhere, drin Dallan,” the barbarian answered from behind me, his voice sounding lazy. “There are furs other than my own which I wish to seek, should you be of a mind to see to a small matter before your departure.”
I found myself suddenly clamping my jaw shut, to make sure the wrong thing didn’t get said. Tammad was asking Dallan to unband me, and Dallan was staring at me without answering! It came to me then that that was why Tammad hadn’t touched me, apart from holding me in his arms. He had acknowledged the fact that I was banded as Dallan’s, and therefore wasn’t entitled to touch me without permission!
“It is such a small matter, denday Tammad,” Dallan drawled, still staring down at me. “Surely it would not inconvenience you to too great an extent if I should allow it to be seen to at another time. Surely you, and this wenda as well, would benefit from rest as much as I.”
“The decision is, of course, yours,” the barbarian answered, his tone as calm and lazy as it had been. For my part, of course, I was frantic, especially when Dallan turned away from me and headed for the door. I didn’t want to wear his bands one minute longer than necessary, and I was prepared to beg if I had to. That was probably what he was waiting for, to have me beg, but I didn’t care. I’d do anything I had to do to be Tammad’s again. For the second time I opened my mouth, this time ready with the prettiest please I could imagine—but again the words weren’t spoken. Something inside my head kept insisting, “Mind your own business! Mind your own business!”
“But it is my business!” I shouted silently in answer, “And more than my business! It’s my life!” The voice grew still at that, refusing to argue, but I already knew what the argument would have been. It wasn’t my business because the matter stood between Dallan and Tammad, and they didn’t consider it my business. If I was ever going to start playing by their rules, that would have to be the time. I closed my mouth again and continued to kneel where I’d been put, but my chin was no longer as high as it had been.
I know I was waiting to hear the door open and close, sure that it would, and was therefore caught off guard when Dallan was suddenly beside me again. I looked up in surprise to see the grin that he wore, not understanding it or the reason he wasn’t gone.
“A man seldom wishes to feel that he does a thing because another has demanded it,” he said to me, reaching a hand out to stroke my hair. “When a decision is his alone, he will, if left to his own devices, consider how his decision will affect others. To wheedle or attempt to coerce him merely takes his thoughts from those others, and instills resentment within him over the attempt to intrude upon a decision which is his to make. This applies equally to those decisions which are a woman’s to make, and should also be kept free of a man’s invasions. As you have clearly learned this lesson, you need not be left to agonize. I feel sure you will not take it amiss if I say it gives me great pleasure to now unband you.”
He leaned down to touch his lips to mine, and then his hands were at my wrist, removing the first of the bands. I can’t say I really understood everything he’d said, but one strange thought seemed to have formed out of it: it’s sometimes possible to win by losing. The concept made no sense to me, but once I had the time I’d have to think about it. Very little that Rimilians did made sense, and that odd concept might just be the key to dealing with them without constant pain. Courtesy was another key, and one that was easier to put into practice.
The last of the bands to be taken was the one around my throat, and once it was open I impulsively took Dallan’s face in my hands and kissed him gently. I didn’t know if doing such a thing was proper, but it was the only way I could think of to say thank you. He returned the kiss with his hand in my hair, chuckled softly when it was over, then gathered up his opened bands and left without another word. I suddenly became aware of how strange it felt to be totally unbanded, a thing I’d tried hard to achieve not too long ago, and the thought must have communicated itself to the man who sat behind me.
“You rub your wrist with a sense of freedom achieved,” Tammad observed, causing me to turn my head to look at him. “It seems you have as yet to embrace our custom of banding.”
“You’re right,” I admitted, wondering how he could look so calm while discussing what had to be a disappointment for him. “I want to be with you, but I still don’t like the idea of being chained. ”
“Then I shall not band you,” he said, sitting up away from the cushions to shrug. “I shall merely keep you in my furs and beside me, and when others appear to band one who is unclaimed, I shall face them. Perhaps not all will fight, yet many will consider it a matter of honor to face the one who challenges them. They will, of course, be blameless, yet blood will flow by cause of misunderstanding. It is a small price to pay to keep the woman of my heart from feeling herself slave.”
“You’re telling me I’m being selfishly inconsiderate,” I said, studying the lack of accusation in his blue eyes. “I’ve spent so much time emoting over being ‘chained’ that I never had the chance to consider what would happen if I were unbanded. I doubt if that many would come after me with you standing beside me, but would you really fight them just to give me my way?”
“Hama, to feel free is of great importance to a man,” he said, returning my gaze. “Should he be chained he will fight those chains, often unto death. Recently has it come to me that certain wendaa feel the same, yet their method of battle differs. A wenda will use harsh words and flight in an attempt to escape, and should these attempts prove unsuccessful she may lose all hope and will herself to death. It is scarcely my intention to keep you beside me so that your death may be achieved; sooner would I see the death of others.”
“Or your own,” I said, knowing it to be true. “And if I were really free, I’d know it even with chains all over me. Len was right: I’m making excuses to keep from committing myself. I wish we could find a place where no one would bother us and we could do as we pleased, but I have the terrible feeling there is no such place—or if there were, it would bore you to death.” I took a deep breath, then plunged in with eyes wide open. “Sadendrak, it would give me great pleasure to wear your bands. I would have all men know that I am yours alone, till the end of my days.”
“Hama sadendra,” he laughed, opening his arms to me. “We have become one at last, and it took no more than the efforts of both of us.”
I laughed along with him as I scrambled into his arms, finally appreciating the fact that compromise took two, not one demanding and the other compromising. We’d both been guilty of that, and even as I hungrily sought Tammad’s lips, I wondered how long that understanding would stay with us. The question didn’t bother me long, however; Tammad ended the kiss quickly, then produced his bands from his swordbelt. He watched me carefully as he put them on me, searching for the smallest sign of reluctance, but reluctance wasn’t what I was feeling. I wanted him more desperately with each passing minute, but wouldn’t have rushed him through the rite of five-banding even if I knew I would burst. I savored the words as he spoke them, crying like a fool and laughing like an idiot, and then hurried to help him get rid of his swordbelt and haddin. He was as hungry for me as I was for him, but we’d both forgotten about his wounds. This time I’m afraid I hurt him.
12
When the new day dawned bright and fresh, I was finally able to see it. Tammad dressed himself, then wrapped me up in a fur and carried me to the room he’d been given, a large blue and white room with arched windows and adjoining bathing room. I’d tried insisting on walking so that his poor abused body wouldn’t be hurt any further, and he’d cheerfully agreed-on the provision that I did it without the fur. He laughed as I glared at him while he carried me along, then I gave up on the glare to put my arms about his neck. I loved hearing him laugh—and knowing that he was happy—and was too happy myself to stay angry long over nonsense.