I ran a hand through my hair then rested my arm on the window edge, a moment later adding my face to my arm. I felt absolutely no urge to remove the small, thick shield and peek out, but that didn’t mean I could just go ahead and pretend that my abilities weren’t there. Too often their use was reflexive rather than voluntary, like blinking because of a finger poked toward an eye. Time and again over the past few days I’d caught myself trying to read someone, and if the headache had disappeared sooner I would have succeeded. Using my abilities was too much a part of me, and I’d never get away with pretending never. And what would happen when Tammad found out? He’d told me he was happy I was no longer an empath; the last thing I wanted was for him to think I was beyond him again. Despite Len’s opinions to the contrary, Tammad had admitted that he couldn’t cope with an empath. What would he do if he found out he had one to cope with all over again’? I didn’t know, and I didn’t want to find out; speaking as a professional coward, I was much better off not knowing.
I’d been hearing the sound of metal banging on metal for a number of minutes, but the noise hadn’t been able to break through the agitation in my thoughts. As soon as I decided I needed something to distract me I heard it again, and this time looked out the window to see what it was. The room I stood in was on the second floor of the palace, with a wide unrailed walk on the floor below, and an exercise area perhaps ten feet below and beyond the walk. A number of l’lendaa had been loosening their swordarms in this area, but just then there were only two going at it, with the rest watching. I didn’t understand why the two were of such interest until I realized they were Len and Garth, and that they were getting instruction from those who were watching. Garth had more familiarity with a sword than Len did, but Garth had the problem of unlearning some of what he already knew, while Len had no such obstacle standing in his way. As I watched them I also became convinced that Len was using his abilities to predict when, and to a certain extent how, Garth would strike at him, evening up the level of ability between them even more. Len slashed and ducked and Garth ducked and slashed, and it took another minute of watching before I realized that they were using practice swords, blunted weapons that they couldn’t hurt each other with. Even from that distance I could see the sweat slicking their bodies, showing they’d been at it for a while. They must have been tired, but they gave no sign that they intended stopping any time in the near future.
I’d been looking at Len and Garth just to have something to look at, but suddenly it came to me that I wasn’t looking at them with anything that could be described as friendly feeling. I tried to brush the animosity aside, but it was growing too thick to be brushed. Those two down there were having a grand old time, but they probably had plans for coming after me again later, as they had the day before. Under the guise of helping me they’d put me through hell, not once considering the possibility that I really was burned out for good. If I had been, Len’s prodding would have been the equivalent of pulling wings off insects, an attack against the helpless that could never be resisted or countered. The more I thought about it the angrier I got, and then I remembered what they’d done to me back in Aesnil’s palace. They’d turned me into a whimpering, cringing slave begging to be used, and afterward I’d sworn to get even. For all I knew Len was right about my having lost some of my ability, but right then all I wanted was revenge.
It happened so abruptly and strangely that even I was startled. I stood at the window seething as I watched the two men, seeing them run through a complex-looking series of attacks and counters that must have been pretty good. The men watching them raised their voices in congratulatory approval as the two finally lowered their weapons, and I could almost see the chests swelling on the two Amalgamation men. They gripped left hands as they spoke to each other with grins and laughter, then released each other’s hand to slap each other’s shoulders. They were so damned pleased with themselves that it made me furious, and I remember wishing with fists clenched tight that they would do something to make themselves look unutterably foolish in front of all those men whose good opinion they were so eager for.
And that seemed to be all it took.
I don’t know whether I noticed first that the small, thick shield was gone, or that Garth and Len were acting strangely. Instead of standing tall and strong and looking like warriors, they were suddenly standing slouch-hipped and limp-wristed, emphasizing what they were saying with broad, feminine gestures and laughing in shrill giggles. They didn’t seem to notice the change until the l’lendaa around them began to guffaw and point, and then they looked around themselves with confused lack of understanding. I could feel their emotions clearly from where I stood, as clearly as the amusement and ridicule coming from the l’lendaa around them. Len had thought my abilities would come back lessened, but he couldn’t have been more wrong. I felt strong and healthy and raring to go, and that was all I needed. Tammad was as good as lost to me, and there was nothing I could do about it. I slipped down to the carpeting and buried my face against my knees, drowning in an ocean of distrustingly vigorous health and mental ability.
It couldn’t have been more than five minutes before the riot burst into the room, storming and screaming from the fury in Len’s and Garth’s minds. I didn’t look up until they were almost on top of me, but not because I was trying to think of a way out of the mess. I wasn’t thinking of anything at all, or if I was it was that I didn’t give a damn what those two did to me. The happiness had lasted such a short time, but it was all I would ever have.
“That was a damned lousy thing to do, Terry!” Len shouted as he stomped closer, his face flushed and his eyes blazing. “Do you know what you made us look like out there? How could you have—”
His words broke off as his mind wrenched to a halt, angry still but suddenly aware of what he was saying. He’d been too wild to think about it sooner, and he was genuinely surprised—and then immediately pleased.
“Terry, you did it!” he shouted, this time happily. “Your abilities are back and you used them! You’re not hiding your head in the sand any more!”
“She’s also not jumping up and down with joy,” Garth pointed out, his hand on Len’s arm. His anger was also a lot less than it had been, and he looked down at me with the disturbed sobriety in his mind. “She’s crying instead of crowing, and that isn’t the Terry I used to know.”
“She’s crying inside a lot harder,” Len said, sending me the comfort of his mind as he came closer to crouch next to me and put his arm around my shoulders. “Terry, I can feel that you’ve given up and you mustn’t do that. It’ll all work out, just wait and see. ”