He chuckled as he stroked my cheek again, and then he was gone as silently as he’d come. After a moment or two I reached up and pulled the wad of cloth out of my mouth, but aside from that didn’t move. I also didn’t think, which was something of a blessing; the only thing to think about was pain, and it was enough that I had to feel it.
I waited a short while after I heard the knock before trying to get up and walk, finding even then that neither action was easy. I might have stayed in the bathroom despite Kel-Ten’s orders, but it had occurred to me that he would be waiting for me and would at least be able to hold me in his arms. Right then I needed holding very badly, more than I could ever remember having needed it, even when I’d been very small. I made my slow, painful way into the bedroom, knowing the effort would be worth it, forcing myself to keep going until I reached the bed. Kel-Ten was there and would be waiting for me, waiting to hold me and tell me everything would be all right, waiting to stroke my hair and comfort me the way I needed to be comforted. It was very dim in the room, almost dark, but he was there—
Sound asleep on his stomach, his arms buried under the pillow his head rested on, his breathing deep and even and slow.
I took off the costume and crawled into the very large bed, then lay at the very edge of it on my side in one small spot. All I really needed was that one small spot, somewhere to stay until the pain left me. It was lucky I didn’t need anything more, because there was nothing more to be had. It was useless for the quiet tears to trickle down my cheeks, because there was nothing more to be had.
8
I awoke to find that I’d been pulled against a large male body, two warm lips kissing my face and neck. I felt confused but knew I didn’t want to be kissed and held like that, knew I just wanted to be left alone the way I’d been alone all my life. I moved against the arms that held me as I began to struggle, but the kissing suddenly turned into very soft words.
“Stop trying to push me away,” Kel-Ten whispered, so low there was almost no sound to his speaking. “I’m going to key you awake now, and I need a reason for being this close.”
It came to me with a heart-thumping shock that that was it, the time Iii been waiting for, the time I’d been afraid would never come. What had happened the night before had also come back to me, but that was less important than what was about to happen, a good deal less important. I quickly stopped struggling and put my arms around Kel-Ten, as though I had just realized who he was and didn’t want to get away from him, and he made a sound of satisfaction and then spoke a word. The word registered in my mind without my ears being able to hear it, a word I didn’t know and would never have been able to repeat, but because of it I was suddenly—
Alive.
Truly alive and whole again.
I could feel everything there was to feel in that place, the faint, distant murmur of very many minds, some active, some not, some below and some outside, beyond the walls of the buildings we were in. I took a very deep breath after ages of suffocation, then finally paid attention to the man in whose arms I lay. His mind was bright and strong, clearly active rather than latent, but I had the distinct impression I’d seen stronger minds somewhere, in some place I couldn’t quite remember. I could also feel the growling desire in his mind, a desire that didn’t seem totally natural, and he was balancing between the desire and a curiosity tinged with apprehension. His mind poked at mine in the same way his tongue tickled my ear, and I could feel that he was somewhat disappointed.
“You’re not as strong as I’d hoped you’d be,” he breathed, beginning to move his hands around on my body. “All we can do is get you started on the exercises, and try to make them do you some good. What about that shield you mentioned yesterday?”
His saying I wasn’t very strong startled me, but then I realized he was experiencing my mind through the curtain over it, not even knowing the curtain was there. I was able to remember about the curtain then, knowing it had formed because of my need for it, because of my worry that Kel-Ten might be jealous of a mind stronger than his. I was about to replace it with my shield, when I suddenly realized I had two shields to choose from, one the small, strong shield only I could get around, and the other the light shield I’d developed first that had so many holes in it. It came to me that an impervious shield might attract unwanted attention of its own, and also that a shield with holes would be handy for me to look out through. I’d had enough of being locked away in the dark, and wanted no more of it.
“How’s that?” I murmured as I kissed his face, allowing the light bubble-shield to surround my mind. Once it was there I found that I could look through it with just a little effort, but the startlement in Kel-Ten’s mind said he couldn’t do the same.
“Absolutely perfect,” he murmured back, almost distracted. “I can’t reach you at all. How do you do it?”
“I don’t know,” I lied in a whisper, immediately deciding that was the smartest tack to take. “One day it just happened. No one will know?”
“Um um,” he grunted, a satisfaction to the sound, and then he dropped the dangerous discussion and began to let the desire in his mind take over. He was going to complete what he’d begun and not only to make it look right, not only to be sure no one grew suspicious. His body constantly tore at his mind with need, sometimes easing up on him but never for long, never leaving him entirely free unless he pushed himself to the absolute end and deep into exhaustion. It was the drug that made him feel like that, the drug they’d been feeding him so long, but although he had my pity I couldn’t simply let him do what he had to. I had been hurt too badly the night before, and there was no longer a reason to accept what I didn’t want.
I couldn’t have fought him off if I’d tried, but even if I could have that would have brought its own consequences. All actions and consequences had to be his, whatever happened his fault rather than mine. There’s a certain point of desire we all work up to in sex, a point that must be reached before anything more than touching and kissing can be accomplished, most especially on the part of the male half of the effort. Kel-Ten had already reached that point just as he always did, but that was the results of the drug working on him, not of his own desire. I touched the man holding me with a shadow of the urge to procrastinate, giving him a reason for continuing on as he was doing rather than going on to other, more undesirable undertakings, and was relieved when he followed the urge without realizing it wasn’t his own. Kel-Ten hadn’t felt me in his mind, and that meant I could look at what the drug was doing to him a little more closely.
It usually takes a while to see—or guess at-what it is that’s supporting a particular emotion, but when drugs are involved the effort is minimal. I knew what was feeding Kel-Ten’s need to use me, and only had to see just how it was doing that. Probing into the growling roar of his thoughts was difficult and not terribly comfortable, but the effort quickly turned out to be worth it. There seemed to be a single point of compulsion feeding everything else, and if that could be blocked off—
“I’m thinking about how you looked last night, sweet thing,” Kel-Ten murmured to me, his hands everywhere, his desire spreading like a flame through his mind. “Remember what I said about everyone else wanting you, but me being the only one who would have you? It’s just about that time.”
I could feel his thoughts and desires beginning to break through the urge to put things off that I’d touched him with, but I couldn’t afford to let that happen. I felt my own urge when he stirred on the bed beside me, the urge to panic, but if I did panic I would lose all control over my abilities and would be helpless to stop him. Realizing that made the rising fear inside me worse instead of better, turning my muscles weak with anticipation of what the pain would be like—and then something odd happened. All sense of fear disappeared under the shower of cool calm that spread quickly through my mind, and I was able to strengthen the need to wait in Kel-Ten’s mind, and then begin to construct a block for the compulsion ruling him. It was almost as though I simply watched while someone else did the work, and then I remembered about having found a tool to help me control my emotions when it was really necessary. I’d needed the tool for-something, somewhere—and now had it available for the here and now. I couldn’t remember why I’d needed it, but that didn’t mean I couldn’t use it.