The woman stood leaning against one wall of the examining room with her back, her head down, her arms folded, and for a moment she didn’t move or speak. I could feel that her mind wasn’t anywhere near as quiet and unmoving, and when she raised her head to look at me there was no smile inside to match the one on her face.
“I really must learn not to offer help before finding out what the difficulty is,” she said, clearly forcing herself to meet my eyes. “The problem you have is twofold, and is most easily described as follows: the man who hurt you is not just a Sec, he’s a null, and considering how important nulls are around here, he pulls more weight than most would believe. Serdin told you everyone wanted you to be happy here, but there are alternate methods of making you happy if your natural happiness interferes with the happiness of someone who has pull. Frankly, what I think will happen is that Serdin will simply make a note to be sure the null stops visiting you soon enough before your fertile period to avoid any complications, and in the interim will use an alternate method to make you happy, say through injections or in your food. If you don’t talk to him and let him know what needs to be done, all you’ll have to look forward to is suffering, so I think it’s clear you have very little choice.”
She fell silent then and just stared at me, her selfhatred so strong I could almost feel it without reaching through my shield. Shed told me the truth for my sake, to keep any false hopes from rising, but would have been much happier if she could have pretended she was able to do something to give me real help. It’s extremely painful to admit you’re helpless in a situation where you don’t want to be, a contention I happened to know personally as the truth. Shed been right when she said I had no choice, and had been wrong only in believing she knew what that no choice was.
“So I get to visit Serdin again after all,” I muttered, using one hand to rub at my forehead as I tried to put my thoughts in order. “That might be the best move in any case, considering how important a man he is. And he is important, isn’t he, even though he isn’t a null?”
“Yes he’s important, and no he isn’t a null,” she answered with a frown, replying to both of my questions without noticing the faint urge to speak freely I’d brushed her with. “Terry, you’re not thinking about trying to-influence-Serdin, are you? They have women brought in for men in special positions like his, women who are just as special for the purpose they serve. You can’t . . .”
“I can’t not see him, and I can’t not try,” I interrupted, gesturing with one hand while soothing her agitation again. “If I can make him understand how badly I need his help, he may make more of an effort than he would normally. Will you at least wish me luck?”
I held my arms out to her, asking to be hugged, and the flare of compassion inside her needed only a little help from me before sending her toward me to give that hug. When my lips were right next to her ear I whispered to her, my mind working along with the words, my heart pounding just a little as I realized I was committing myself with no turning back. I intended trying to influence Serdin, all right, but not the way Cataran Olden thought, and I didn’t want anyone hearing the instructions I gave to the woman doctor and begin wondering. I needed something to help Serdin’s efforts, and Cataran Olden was just the one to give it to me.
“Say, since you’re going to Serdin, I wonder if you would do me a favor?” the woman said when I let her let the embrace end, her words completely natural as she stepped back from me. “I have something he should have, and if you take it I won’t have to send someone to make a special trip.”
“I don’t mind helping,” I answered, watching nervously as she walked to a small, recessed locker in the righthand wall. “Being helpful might even do me some good. ”
To anyone watching, the woman was acting completely on her own and doing something she wanted to do. In point of fact she was completely under my control and doing what I wanted her to, something I needed badly to have done. If I was going to use Serdin to get me out of there as I intended, I couldn’t very well walk out in the short, torn shirt I was wearing and expect to get very far. I needed clothing and shoes, and with Cataran Olden so close to my size, there wasn’t likely to be anyone better to supply my need. I had made the woman believe she really was sending a package Serdin was supposed to have, and as I watched her put the spare uniform and short boots into a package-pouch I didn’t allow her mind any freedom at all. When she was all through and handed the thing to me with a smile, I took it and then fed her a large jolt of forgetfulness. She had just given me as much help as she would have liked to, but if I’d let her remember it the fearful side of her nature would not have let her enjoy it. I couldn’t recall ever having used forgetfulness before, but now that I had I didn’t know why I hadn’t. It was a lot easier to do than I would have thought possible, and was more the result of my having acted without thinking than a carefully planned-out action.
“Now, what were we just talking about?” she said as she looked at me, the curiosity she would have felt over what I was carrying pushed aside by my mind. “Oh, yes, wishing you luck with Serdin. I certainly do wish you luck, and you’ll have to let me know how you make out.”
“I guarantee you’ll know,” I answered as she walked me to the door and opened it, finding no amusement in my own comment. “And I have a feeling it won’t be long before you do. Thanks for supplying the shoulder I needed. ”
“Any time,” she answered with a real, warm smile, then looked at the Sec who was still waiting for me. “Take her to Serdin’s office now. It’s important that she see him.”
The Sec nodded with uninterested agreement, took my arm as I stepped out into the corridor, then led off away from the remaining lines of waiting women. The end of the corridor had a closed and guarded door that we had to be passed through, which reminded me that that wasn’t the way I’d gotten to that area to begin with. I wondered if it made a difference which way you went, tried to tell myself it did and that I should think about it, but the try was useless. The only thing I could think about was what would happen when I got to Serdin’s office—and what would happen if I failed to make my escape attempt good.
I know I should have paid more attention to what was happening around me, but my thoughts were so full of desperate plans and counterplans and contingency plans that before I knew it a door was being opened in front of me. Serdin sat behind his desk as he had the first time Iii seen him, gray-uniformed, white-haired, light-eyed and absorbed in what he was doing, but not so absorbed that he didn’t take a moment to glance up. Faint surprise flickered through his mind, and then he gestured toward the chair I’d sat in the last time I was there.
“Sit down over there, Terrilian, and I’ll be right with you,” he said with familiar distraction, going immediately back to what he’d been doing. The Sec released my arm and left without asking anything or waiting to be told, an indication of just how sure of himself Serdin was, but there was no reason why the man shouldn’t be sure of himself. Primes could be dangerous but I wasn’t really a Prime, and I could have felt his automatic dismissal of me at twice the distance. Anger began to stir in me at that, the sort of anger that had been so useless until then, but it wasn’t yet time to let it have its way. I moved forward to the chair I’d been told to take and sat, putting my package on the floor by my feet, letting the anger build slowly inside against the time I would need it.