“You-appear a good deal less than wearied from that exchange, Terrilian,” he said, his thoughts whirling so fast I found it impossible to separate one emotion from the next. “Ashton is one of the strongest we have, and yet you bested her with almost no effort. We were told your abilities have grown over the last months but details were not included, save that the process causing the growth was far from pleasant. I dislike the implications of that, but-our needs are too great to ignore any avenue presented us. Did the-disagreement-harm you in any way? ”
His cold gray eyes were now trying to look inside me, his mind so quickly calmed and back under control that it was possible to believe he’d never lost that control. I found myself just as impressed as ever, but not swayed in the least.
“You know, Murdock, I really do wish you would stop trying to show how concerned you are about me,” I said, reaching for my unfinished cup of kimla. “Every time you do it you remind me again about how you used me, so why don’t you just give it up? If you had an agent in with whatever group of people I was with, you could have warned me about what was most likely going to happen. That you didn’t warn me means you were using me as bait, and were waiting for me to be taken so that you and your friends could follow. The fact that you were able to detect me in the forest means you were keeping close track of me with some sort of tracer device, so don’t even bother denying it. And that you people who are my ‘own’ were also prepared to abandon me in that place once you had what you wanted is also pretty clear, since you made no effort to get me out and only picked me up once I’d gotten myself out. Why don’t you tell me again how grateful I ought to be?”
Staring at him over my cup rim didn’t show me anything but the same lack of expression anyone ever saw, which wasn’t the same as touching his mind. The guilt he felt over what had been done was fully accepted, but neither that nor the real, true pain he experienced ever reached his narrow, sunken face.
“You’re completely correct, of course,” he conceded, nodding fractionally. “To warn you might have also given warning to our enemies, but that’s neither here nor there. We used you as necessary to gain the ends we simply had to gain, but would not have forever abandoned you to your fate. You are one of us, child, and would have been freed as quickly as we organized our people and attacked. What you were made to suffer is certainly. . . ”
“Regrettable?” I finished for him, replacing my cup on the table. “It was that, all right, but it was also something a lot worse than you’ll ever be able to understand. ‘Abandoned’ is a good word, but you’ll have to remind me some day to give you the emotions that go along with the word. The experience should be—an experience. I’d like to know now what world you intend dropping me off on, so I can begin making plans. In consideration of everything that’s happened, I don’t think we would be wise to spend any more time in each other’s company than absolutely necessary.”
“Terrilian, I thought you understood you’d be returning with us to Rimilia,” he said with a frown, disturbance now touching his mind. “Not only have we an attack to plan and carry out, but Tammad must be told that you’re safe. He’ll most certainly be beside himself with worry, and once your memories have returned you’ll know. . . ”
“Please, Murdock, I’d really rather not hear any more about that,” I interrupted impatiently, beginning to start the process of getting to my feet. “If your narration was meant to show me anything other than that I want nothing to do with this Tammad of yours, you failed to accomplish your aim. The man ‘buys’ me without any regard to what feelings I might have on the subject, kidnaps me and forces me to go with him when even you knew I didn’t want to, and then concerns himself so little with me that all sorts of horrendous things are able to happen to me. This is the person I’m supposed to be concerned about? Somehow I think not. As far as your attack goes, I’ll probably join in just to make sure there won’t be anyone left to come after me again but once it’s done there will be an absolute parting of the ways between us. Do you understand me?”
Having managed to stand-with the help of the table edge—I looked up at him, and for once his cold gray eyes were mirroring the throbbing pain his mind sent out. He wanted to argue with me, reason with me, talk and talk until I saw things his way, but the pain refused to allow that.
“I understand,” he said in the softest of voices, a two word admission of total defeat, and when I let go of the table and headed back for my cabin, no other words followed me.
10
I wouldn’t have asked for the help I could have used in getting back to my cabin, which means I barely made it to the bed before I was asleep. How it’s possible to sleep when you’re hurting that much I still don’t understand, unless it’s more a matter of passing out than sleeping. Whatever it was I indulged in it for quite a while, then awoke to find myself out of the light brown uniform and under the covers again. I hadn’t been able to get out of the uniform on my own, and had just collapsed onto the bed still in it. Its being gone told me I’d had visitors while I was out, which supported the unconscious as opposed to asleep theory. I didn’t care for the idea much—the unrealized visitors, that is—and decided I’d have to see if there was anything to be done about avoiding such deep lack of consciousness in the future.
I stirred in the bed and then began to sit up, trying to find out if being out of things so completely had at least helped me a little, finding myself surprised when I discovered it had helped a good deal more than a little. Sitting up didn’t hurt at all, no more than faint stiffness and a shadow of aches whispering from somewhere in an effort to get my attention. They weren’t getting my attention, at least not much of it, and that made the dim transport cabin around me almost as pleasant as a sunny day in springtime. I took a deep breath and stretched a little, enjoying being able to do it again, then reached out with my mind to learn where the others were—
And ran into nothing but blankness. I stiffened where I sat, as tense as the woman Ashton had been during our fight, trying to understand what had gone wrong. I was awake, I knew I was awake, but I couldn’t reach anyone or anything-not the slightest murmur or overtone-just the way it had been in the complex—
Just the way it had been in the complex. I leaned back again onto one elbow, not knowing whether to be hysterical or furious, my thoughts so violently entwined with my emotions that I couldn’t separate them. It was fairly obvious my clothing wasn’t the only thing that had been taken from me while I was unconscious, and I didn’t have to wonder why. People are always afraid of what they can’t control, especially if that item has previously indicated it isn’t feeling very friendly toward them, and fear doesn’t invariably paralyze. Sometimes it pushed its victims into action, possibly badly thought out and hasty, but action nevertheless. My-‘own’ had been pushed into action, and now I was turned off.
Turned off. Through the anger I felt that phrase began signaling in some way, almost like a frantically waving hand trying to get my attention. I remembered having the fleeting impression back at the complex that that phrase meant something important to me, represented something I ought to know and think about. If I’d been talking to someone else I would have snapped out impatiently that it didn’t mean anything, it was only two words that described the condition I was now suffering from, a condition inflicted on me by my “friends.”