“Is that why she was married to one of the recruited Rimilians, instead of one of the men of the community?” Ashton asked, a grin of amusement now on her face. “I’d always thought it was simply good luck for the rest of us, since no one ever told me that story before. Irin could have had my place, if shed worked at developing a little more self-control.”
“Irindel has always had her own priorities in life, and has also always pursued them in preference to anyone else’s,” Murdock returned, his faint smile back. “And marriage with Rissim was completely her choice, just as most of everything else occurring around her has been. If she had been stronger when I first spoke of what had to be done with her infant, I truly believe she would have ended me somehow, to keep me from convincing the others of the necessity. She has never quite forgiven me, but has left active acrimony for the time when we discover whether or not I was right. If events fail to justify what I caused to be done, I’ll have no need to worry about guilt plaguing me.”
“Yes, that certainly sounds like our sister,” Ashton said with wry agreement, then moved her gaze to me. “And must also account for why Terrilian there seemed so familiar to me right from the first. She looks only a little like Irin, but that irritating mental attitude is very nearly a carbon copy. Well, girl, don’t you have anything to say? Not even a polite hello for your newly-found but loving aunt?”
Ashton seemed to be rather amused, and I could have sworn that what was causing her amusement was a memory of the fight wed had the day before. I really did wish I could find things just as funny, but suddenly I was feeling worse than I had when I’d awakened in the complex. I’d believed for so long that I knew all about myself, but the skepticism I’d begun with had faded to a ghost of its former strength, what was left being too weak and transparent to support the weight of my growing doubt.
“Are you distressed to learn we all share the same blood, child?” Murdock asked, no sign of Ashton’s amusement in him. “You’ve no need to acknowledge those blood ties, you know, most especially not where I’m concerned. You may continue to think of me with whatever enmity you wish, for as long as you wish, just as your mother has done. I’ve never needed to be protected from the strength of her mind, of course, but only because she does have rather tight control of herself when she feels the occasion warrants it. She’s pledged herself to wait before taking vengeance on me, and can usually be counted on to keep her word.”
“Something we’ll have to find out about you before we can turn you loose again,” Ashton said, taking Murdock’s sobriety when she found he wouldn’t share her amusement. “My brother may be guilty of everything he told you about and lots more besides, but none of us wants to lose him—or any of the others who were talked into agreeing with him. I don’t know where you got the strength you have, girl, but it isn’t something we can play around with. You’ll have to convince us you can and will hold yourself in check, and then we’ll be able to welcome you the way you should be welcomed.”
“Welcomed,” I repeated, discovering that the word had been said and echoed so much in my mind that it no longer had any meaning for me. I was staring down at the table we all sat around, groping for a solid reality I could throw my arms around to anchor me in the windstorm I’d been tossed to, but there was nothing in reach. I was like my mother, they’d said, my mother-not that strange woman I’d never felt any link to, but my own, real, actual, warm person.
“You don’t have to worry about my self-control,” I said, aiming the words in Ashton’s direction without actually looking at her. “If there’s one thing I’ve managed to learn, it’s control over what I can do. As long as I stay shielded or curtained, I won’t be a danger to anyone.”
“Just a minute!” she came back, the words sharp as I began pushing myself away from the table and to my feet. “How do you know about shields, and what do you mean by ‘curtained’? If you think what you said is enough to get us to release you, you really must be . . .”
“I’m already awake,” I interrupted, telling it with a lot less scorn and satisfaction than I’d expected to, raising my eyes to look at her frowning astonishment. “I don’t need anyone to turn me loose, because I’ve already figured out how to do it for myself. And now, if you don’t mind, I’d like to be alone for a while. There’s so much-!”
I couldn’t go on in words with explaining how I felt, but I dropped my shield for an instant just to show I could—and to briefly share what I couldn’t speak about. Ashton made a sound of strangled pain and put her hand out to me as she rose from her chair, her face suddenly full of tragedy, but that wasn’t what I wanted or needed. Those who are used to being alone have to work things out that way-alone-before they can possibly discuss it with others. Even if the topic for discussion is no longer needing to be alone. I turned away from the two people who had told me so much, and went slowly back to my cabin.
11
“Stop bothering me,” I said for what seemed like the ten-thousandth time, finding it impossible to keep the annoyance out of my voice. “If you’re trying to find the limits of my self-control, be smart and take my word for the fact that you’re almost there.”
“It’s very bad manners to be so high-handed with people who are only trying to help you,” Ashton came back, her own annoyance reaching for the heights mine had already achieved. “The doctor said you’re doing a lot better than he’d expected you to, but you should still be taking it easy, preferably in bed. Instead of that you’ve been wandering all over the transport, and now you insist on going down in the slip with Murdock. Why can’t you wait the hour or two until we’re home?”
“From what you people yourselves have told me, Murdock can’t be trusted to be alone with Rimilians,” I returned, looking down at the bland expressionlessness of the subject of my comments with very little friendliness. “If he is left alone with them, he seems to get this overwhelming urge to sell things-like me, for instance. I’m just going along to make sure it doesn’t happen again.”
“But my brother can’t sell you again,” Ashton pointed out with a purr while Murdock used one finger to rub gently at his lips, trying to keep the amusement off his face. “You belong to someone else now, so if there’s any selling to be done Murdock won’t have a part in it. What if we promise to let you know the instant any deals are concluded?”
“That’s very funny,” I said with no expression at all, staring unblinkingly at her grin. “And also please accept my congratulations. You’ve just put yourself one step away from being on my “flatten first” list, right along with the ones who run the complex on New Dawn. I didn’t think I’d find anyone outside the Amalgamation government with enough talent to achieve that.”
I turned away from them both with that, and went to sit in a chair by myself until the transfer slip was ready for boarding. Murdock had a couple of men hovering a short distance away who would take over Ashton’s job of helping him for a while, but that didn’t mean Ashton had no intentions of going along with him. The slip would be landing in the courtyard of the palace in the city of Vediaster, and Murdock had said something about considering it prudent if he had a woman with him.