The steward materialized in front of me with a tray holding cups of kimla, but a shake of my head continued him on his way to the others in the common area. I was no more in the mood for eating and drinking than I’d been for the last few days, and as was becoming usual, as soon as I stopped thinking of other things and talking to other people, my mind began working on its own. I not only had what I’d been told about my supposed beginnings to clamor at me, I was also starting to remember some of what the New Dawn people had conditioned me into forgetting.
I stirred in my chair as flashes of Vediaster began coming through again, a time that seemed to be composed of no more than various levels of unpleasantness and unhappiness. Faces flashed in front of me, women’s faces with names like Farian and Leelan and Deegor and Relgon and Roodar and Siitil. Some of the faces carried the sense of being friends, other the feel of enemies, but even the moment of triumph I could almost reach had an overimage of some sort of pain and loss. I’d been in that city for no more than a short while, but not one of the memories coming back to me was a happy one.
And yet, I was supposed to be Chama of the place, the Rimilian word meaning something like “absolute ruler of all.” That triumph I couldn’t quite recall had won me the position, but it hadn’t been something I’d been trying for because I wanted it. It seemed to have just happened, and I’d seen clearly enough that I had to go down there with Murdock to tell the people involved that I wasn’t going to keep the position. I knew I owed them that much, and simply sending a note or word of my intentions wouldn’t have been right, even if that’s what I would have preferred doing.
I sighed as I moved in the chair again, but the sound had more than a little impatience and annoyance to it, two emotions I would have enjoyed being able to avoid for a while. The previous days had practically been made of impatience and annoyance, not to mention indecision and uncertainty and doubt and fear, all wrapped up into one big ball of upset. I didn’t know if what Murdock had told me was true, and didn’t even know if I wanted it to be true; all I could do was go to where they were taking me and try to find out about all of it. My emotions had taken quite a beating at first, as I worked at imagining what it would be like to meet people who were supposed to be my parents; would I want to know them, would I like the looks of them, would they like and want to know me? Those and a thousand other questions had kept me going around and around for hours, not one of them the sort I could answer but all still refusing to leave me alone. I’d finally fallen asleep in exhaustion, and when I’d awakened I’d found the strength to push away questions and flying emotions alike. When I got there I’d know the truth and could then make decisions, so all I had to do was wait until I got there.
All. I put my hand to my hair as I fought to keep the impatience and annoyance behind my curtain where it belonged, convinced that to use the word “all” with the concept of waiting was like using the phrase “a little” with the concept of dying a horrible death. I’d started out doing the waiting in my cabin, found that my thoughts were taking advantage of the solitude, and so had left the cabin to find something to occupy my attention. What I had found, unfortunately, had been Ashton and Murdock and the others, all hovering around and anxious to help make me feel better. When I refused to discuss their community they accepted my decision, but that was the only thing they were willing to be reasonable about. All of them including Ashton began fussing over me and refused to stop, and Murdock decided to explain why he really had no choice about dropping in on Vediaster for a very brief time.
“If you like, you may consider it a matter of honor,” he’d said, looking up at me from his special chair with a faint smile on his face. “As I was the one who arranged your banding by Tammad, and inasmuch as I know precisely how worried he is about you, I have no other choice than to inform him of your safe recovery. He’ll certainly want to see you, so I will most likely bring him back hereto. . . ”
“No,” I’d interrupted at once, for some reason feeling that the last place I wanted to see the object of Murdock’s concern was on a transport. “I tell you I don’t know the man, and don’t want to know him. From what you’ve said he could decide to take me away from you again, just as he did once before, and in order to stop him I’d probably have to hurt him. Is that what you want? To see him hurt because of your concept of honor?”
“Terrilian, child, you mustn’t hurt him,” Murdock had said, an odd look in his cold gray eyes, an even stranger feel to the tenor of his thoughts. “I truly believed Tammad would be the first thing you remembered, knowing as I do what your own feelings for him are. If you cause him harm, you’ll likely never forgive yourself. Hasn’t there been enough pain in this episode for everyone involved? His love for you is quickly becoming legend on Rimilia, and you need only allow him enough time to remind you of your own love for him. Surely such a small thing . . . ”
I’d turned around and walked away from Murdock at that point, unwilling to listen to any more of his diplomatic attempts at matchmaking. Did he think I was an idiot who didn’t realize that if I was in love with someone, he would certainly be the first thing I remembered? All I could feel was the way my mind held the offered folder marked “Tammad” at arm’s length, as though it had no interest in letting it come nearer, and that was good enough for me. All I wanted to know about right then was the community Murdock said was mine as well as his and Ashton’s, and I didn’t need some love-struck barbarian trying to distract me.
“If you’re going with us, now’s the time,” Ashton’s voice came abruptly, bringing me back from the recent past. “The transfer slip is ready to go, and so are the rest of us. And if you don’t take it really easy down there, the doctor’ll have a fit. A couple of those bloody welts on your back haven’t closed all the way, and if you rip them open he’ll do the same to Murdock’s throat and mine for letting you go down with us. I don’t want you taking a stroll anywhere unless I’m with you, and that’s an order. ”
“Ashton, try to remember you’re supposed to be my aunt, not my mother,” I came back, barely glancing at her as I got to my feet. “If you’re suffering from role confusion, you’ll be best off staying away from me for a while. Hanging around will only make it worse.”
“Once we get home, you’ll learn the difference between hanging around and being in charge, honey,” she answered with a grin, having no trouble keeping herself from feeling insulted. “And remind me to have a word with you about eating when we’re back aboard. The doctor isn’t happy about your trim little figure, and I got him to let me talk to you before he loses his patience, ties you down and starts stuffing your face with edibles. I’ve known that mild little man for years, and never realized before that he had such a violent side to his nature.”
“That mild little man is almost as much of a pain in the neck as you are,” I said, following behind Murdock and his assistants at the slow pace necessary to keep from running them down. “I’m beginning to remember how I used my ability to get rid of someone else who was a pain in the neck once, and if he doesn’t leave me alone he’s going to find out all about it-first hand.”
“It isn’t his job to leave you alone,” Ashton returned, but with a distracted tone to her voice. “It’s his job to pester the life out of you until you’re so desperate you get better just to get rid of him. Terrilian, once we’re home we’re going to have to sit down with a couple of other people, and talk about your ability and how you’ve been learning to use it. That curtain trick, for instance, and how you developed the strength you have. We need to know whatever you can tell us, especially with the attack against New Dawn so near. That won’t ruin things for you as far as getting to know the community goes, will it?”