“No,” I denied, trying to get my feet under me so I could stand. “I won’t put myself in a position where it can ever happen again, real or not. Leave me alone. I’m going to my room. I’m going.”
What I managed was to get halfway to my feet before the dizziness took to swinging the room around, and after that reached nothing but blackness.
13
I awoke in the bed furs of my pleasant little room, the warmth of the sunshine coming through the windows telling me a new day had been started before I’d been conscious enough to notice. The dizziness that had gotten the better of me the night before was gone, but every bit of the oddness and depression I’d felt was back and hanging on. I’d remembered everything the instant I’d opened my eyes, and didn’t have to move from where I lay on my right side to know why the depression had flowered again so quickly. I wasn’t alone in that pleasant little room, and my companion was the reason I’d gotten depressed in the first place.
“I see, hama, that you are awake and aware of me,” Tammad said from the bed furs behind me, using the word “see” when what he really meant was “feel.”
“You will spend this day taking your ease and doing no other thing than eating well, for I will not have you fall swooning in such a manner again.”
“You have a different manner of swooning you’d rather see?” I asked without turning, not in the least surprised to find him there and back to giving orders. “Why don’t you sit down somewhere and make a list of your preferences, and later on I can memorize the list.”
“Hama, though for some reason you feel you must do so, you cannot simply refuse to be mine,” he said with a sigh, thick patience plastered firmly all over the inside of his mind. “We continue to be upon my world, which has proven to truly be your world as well. Even Rissim, he who is actual father to you, has agreed that my bands are upon you, therefore are you unquestionably mine.
Speak to me of what disturbs you, and we will together find an answer to the difficulty.”
“What disturbs me is very simple,” I said with a sigh of my own as I turned to my back so that I might look at him. “I was so-shattered, to use Dallan’s word-when I thought you were giving me up as a matter of honor, that all I wanted was to die. That’s what I was doing outside the city that day I was taken by my enemies, looking for a way to die. It doesn’t really matter that I was wrong about your wanting to give me up, all that matters is that I believed you would. I know honor is more important to you than I am, so I continue to believe and always will. If it comes down to a choice between me and honor I know I’ll lose, so I won’t let myself be put back in a position where the question might some day arise. I’d rather not have you than take the chance of losing you, and you’d better believe what I say. If you don’t leave right now, there won’t be any argument about what happens. ”
“Indeed shall there be no further argument between us,” he said very gently, his eyes and mind both showing how he hurt for the hurt I’d had in the look he sent down to me. “You need not fear that I shall ever give you up for I shall not, most especially as honor might in no way be entangled. My love for you and my love of honor have no meeting point, hama, therefore shall we put the matter from our minds and concern ourselves with more pleasant things.”
The hum in his mind broke out from under the patience that had muffled it for a while, and he began to put one of those ridiculously well-muscled arms around me to pull me closer. He was already under the top bed fur with me, and if he wasn’t as naked as I, it wouldn’t take him long to get that way. Instead of returning his smile or letting the humming reach me or trying to struggle the way I used to, I put one hand up to intercept that giant arm-at the same time reaching out with my mind. The mighty l’lenda was amused to see me trying to stop him-until his arm touched my hand and he had to jerk back with a hiss. Cold can be as painful to touch as heat, and Tammad denday hadn’t remembered what I’d done to him that day on the trail to Vediaster.
“My decision has already been made, l’lenda, and I advise you to abide by it,” I said as he sat up to rub at his arm and glare at me with low-browed disapproval. “I’ve finally learned the proper way of answering a challenge, which means I never have to be a victim again. Since I’m stronger than you it’s only fair that I warn you one more time: don’t try to fight me on this, you’ll only lose. There’s nothing you can say or do to make me change my mind.”
“Can I not, wenda?” he returned, deadly anger flowing swift and menacing out of his mind as he stared at me with narrowed eyes. I recognized the emotion as soon as I felt the edges of it, that same emotion he’d always used to send me shivering back away from him, but this time it didn’t reach me. It was shunted past without affecting me in the least, and all I could do in return was sigh and keep my word.
“Rimilia is your beloved world, Tammad denday,” I said as I reached to his mind again, thrusting aside all attempts to stop me. “Protecting the peoples of this world from the mondarayse is your privilege and responsibility, l’lenda, yet do you do no more than lie about in the furs dallying with a female. Is this the manner in which you discharge your responsibilities, the manner in which you see to them with honor?”
“No,” he answered in a whisper, a faint frown on his face to show his self-disapproval, his gaze more inward than it had been. Despite his stronger mind he’d been easier to take than Dallan had been in Vediaster, and rather than using a brother as I’d done with Dallan, it was the entire world Tammad was wrapped up in worrying about. He knew that his people were doomed if he didn’t do something to protect them, believed that if he stopped trying there would be no one to take his place, and was determined not to waste any time, which is all bed-play with a woman was. Time enough to do as he liked with her once more important business was taken care of. I could almost see him thinking like that as he got out of the bed furs and headed for his haddin and swordbelt, his mind busy with plans and stratagems. He’d completely forgotten his efforts weren’t needed any longer, and was determined to do what he knew and believed was required of him. I lay there holding his mind with almost no effort at all, wishing he hadn’t forced me to do that to him, but a wish like that was a waste of time. L’lendaa were too thick-headed and stubborn to listen to reason, so they had to be shown what was right in other ways.
As soon as he was dressed he left the room, too preoccupied to remember I was there-as long as I helped the preoccupation along. I set my mind to follow and hold his as long as possible, wondered whether I could really do that, then shrugged the question aside and got out of bed. Lately my mind had taken to finding ways of doing the things I decided needed doing, and it really didn’t matter whether this newest thing worked. As soon as Tammad went beyond the limits of my range he would be free, and not long after that he would understand what had been done to him. At that point he would probably come raging back, not realizing that I intended doing it again and again until he gave it up and stayed away. It was the only thing I could do, after all; what else is there, when you know no one in the real world can be trusted?
I was still too depressed to pay much attention to something like dressing, so I was out of the room and wandering the halls before I knew it. What I wanted was to go outside and take a long walk all alone, but what I ended up with was something else entirely. I suddenly found myself face to face with an Irin who had been looking for me, and not long after that I was being forced down among cushions in a private corner just beyond the kitchen. Three or four different dishes had apparently been kept warm for me, but the pitcher of fresh kimla brought over first was all I could raise any interest in. I poured a cup and sipped from it, then sat staring at it until Irin settled herself among cushions of her own.