“Don’t take too long getting started on that food, or it’ll be ice cold before you finish,” she said while pouring a second cup of kimla, using her chin to gesture toward the small table on my left. “The other girls and I aren’t bad when it comes to making things tasty, but cold can turn even the best of meals to glop.”
“That’s exactly what the best of meals would taste like to me right now,” I answered, mostly still staring at the kimla. “I must be working on minus hunger at this point, so please don’t be insulted if the food ends up untouched. I’m going out for a walk in a little while, which just might stimulate an appetite for later.”
“If I were you, young lady, I’d try to find that appetite right now,” she said, a wry amusement in the way she looked at me. “Your father is absolutely delighted to have back the daughter he’s missed for so long, but I guarantee his delight will fade very quickly if he finds out she isn’t eating the way every healer in the valley wants her to. And don’t think being banded will save you. As long as you’re under his roof, you’ll still- Terry, what are you doing?”
“Just disentangling from something,” I said with a faint smile, reeling in, so to speak, the contact I’d had with Tammad’s mind. It had taken him a while to move out of my range, but when it had happened even Irin had felt it. A few minutes more and he would be back to himself, and then- “Just to set things straight, you ought to know I am not banded. It doesn’t matter what anyone else says on the point, only my opinion counts. If that sounds too self-centered for a dream-place like this I’ll leave, but I won’t stop insisting on it.”
“What you can stop saying is anything about leaving,” she answered with a frown, the candlelight around us in our corner making her eyes glow green. “I couldn’t follow what you were just doing with your mind, but I know you were doing something. Terry, Tammad took you to your room last night with every intention of staying with you from then on. When I felt you moving around the house it didn’t occur to me to wonder where he was, and now you’re insisting again that you aren’t banded. Would you like to tell me what in freedom’s name you’ve done with him?”
Irin was trying so hard not to be outraged or worried or any of a dozen other things that I couldn’t keep from finding it funny; watching a Prime-level mind skittering around like that was like seeing a talented wire-walker trip over a shadow on the ground. Shed been too busy trying to poke at my mind to pay complete attention to what she was feeling, so it had almost gotten away from her. And she hadn’t even been able to get anything from me; what had happened had occurred too far out of her range, and there was nothing else for her to find.
“I convinced Tammad he had more important things to do than hang around with me,” I said before sipping again at the kimla, glad Irin hadn’t felt me laughing at her involuntary antics. The urge for laughter had faded almost as soon as it had started, leaving me just as depressed as I’d been. “He isn’t nearly as hard to handle as he thinks he is, but it’s going to take a little while before he’s permanently convinced. If shouting at roofraising level bothers you, you might want to find somewhere else for me to stay until it’s all over.”
“If shouting at roof-raising level bothered me, I’d never have stayed with Rissim as long as I have,” she countered with a snort, gesturing the point aside. “Are you saying you-did something to Tammad to make him leave you, and if he comes back you’ll do it again? Terry, it isn’t fair to take advantage of someone who doesn’t have your strength.”
“He was the one who came to me,” I answered with a shrug, feeling nothing of guilt but another ton or two of depression. “I told him I’d rather not have him than take the chance of one day losing him, but he refused to listen just the way he usually does. I also gave him clear warning that I intended defending myself, but he’s too used to winning against me. After another few tastes of being shoved into unreality, his opinions ought to start changing.”
“I’m beginning to wish all my children after you weren’t just boys she said with the strangest look on her face and a sigh in her mind, her hand reaching out to touch mine. “Girls don’t seem to have the same problems—or at least they don’t look at them in the same way-maybe it would be best if I simply said this straight out. Terry, you’re doing something that isn’t very bright, and even you know it. You just refuse to admit it.”
“I’m only doing what has to be done,” I came back, having no idea what she was talking about. “I think it’s fairly clear I’m not enjoying it, but that doesn’t mean I can stop. Tammad and I have no future together, not when I’m afraid to trust his love, so all I can do is walk away from him. Or, as it’s working out, make him walk away from me.”
That explanation sounds so cool and logical,” she observed, leaning back with her cup of kimla as she studied me. “Anyone listening to you couldn’t help but admire how well you’re handling it all, this thing with Tammad, suddenly finding out you’re part of a family you never knew existed, the fact that you were used by your own blood-kin for purposes even they don’t fully understand-all of it. Being in that complex shook you up, but ever since then you haven’t had trouble coping with anything. ”
“I’m not an infant,” I pointed out, finding her inspection the least bit uncomfortable. “I’m a grown woman, and grown-ups are supposed to be able to cope. Would you be happier if all I did was sit around crying and wringing my hands, complaining that I didn’t know what to do?”
“Actually, I would,” she said with a judicious nod, still keeping her eyes on me. “You know, getting close to your mind is difficult, but with a little practice it can be done. It’s not quite like looking at the sun with unprotected eyes, more like looking at a very bright torch, and if you manage to filter just a little you can see everything you have to. Would you like to know what I’m seeing?”
“Why not?” I responded, just stopping myself from snapping closed my strongest shield. I couldn’t understand where that conversation was coming from or going, but hiding behind a shield wasn’t necessary any longer. I finally had everything worked out, and never had to be a victim again. The kimla I swallowed at was beginning to cool, but it still did the job of wetting my mouth and throat.
“Terry, listen to me,” she said as she put her hand on my arm, and I looked up to see that she was leaning toward me with urgency in her eyes. “What you’re doing has helped to keep you sane until now, but if you keep on doing it, all you’ll find is madness. You said you’re coping with things, but that’s just the point, you’re not coping with them. Murdock told you he was responsible for taking you away from people who loved you to leave you with strangers, and you weren’t even angry with him. Rissim and I welcomed you to our home as our daughter, and you simply smiled and moved in. Terry, you’re looking at everything that’s happening as though it isn’t real, treating it all as a dream that can be experienced and enjoyed, but isn’t anything to get excited over. Carried far enough, an attitude like that can cause complete withdrawal, so you have to stop it now. ”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I said, holding tight to my cup of kimla as I wished she would let my arm go and stop staring at me like that. “Just because I’m finally learning how to control my emotions doesn’t mean I’m not in touch with reality. You have to admit everything I’ve been told lately is just a little beyond the bounds of normal belief, so if you’re getting an echo of the unreal from my mind, that must be the reason. After everything settles down, I’ll be just-fine.”