“One in which everyone was like him, and everyone conformed to the rules he had devised,” I said, shivering a little as I remembered how he’d insisted I was from his secret community. I’d thought he was insane and he certainly had been, but he really hadn’t been wrong. “No wonder the girls of his world weren’t allowed to pair with men until they were ‘fully grown.’ That was the reason none of them had paired with him . . . .”
“Yes,” the woman agreed in a pitying whisper, adding something about his disappearing one day and never coming back. He must have found some secret way into the mountain, and then had discovered the resting place of the Sword. There was another silence, this one filled with the emotions of farewell, and. then they were all on their feet and heading out the door. My memories of the time had caught and held me for a short while, and they’d known without being told that I had no real desire to continue the discussion. Irin had given me a hug and a kiss good night, had blown out the candle, and was already gone with the door closed behind her before I remembered I’d wanted to talk to Rissim, He had left with her, of course, which meant I would have to wait until the next day before I could get another chance at him. I spent a long number of minutes cursing just loud enough for me to hear, then spent even more time trying to fall asleep.
The next morning I wasn’t awake long before Irin and one of the house servants showed up with breakfast, and when I was forced into trying to shout down her endless, cheering chatter, she refused to let me do it. She had decided to give me no chance to say anything at all in order to keep from getting into another argument with me, and very nearly got into an argument with me trying to stick to her decision. When she insisted that all she wanted to hear was whether or not I was going to eat breakfast, I lost my temper completely and told her what she might do with that breakfast. The serving woman gasped and turned red then hurried out of the room leaving Irin to work briefly at keeping herself from exploding before she turned and stomped out after her. Once the door was slammed closed I was all alone again, but I knew it wouldn’t be for long. As soon as Irin spoke to Rissim I’d have company, but not in the mood that would do me much good.
Rissim must have been out of the house, as I had enough time to dress and do some long-distance looking around before he showed up. I’d discovered that everyone in the house was shielded, and had been spending quite a while picking away at one or two of those shields when the door to my room was opened. I blinked away from what I was doing to see Rissim standing there and staring down at me, and his meaningful silence at least let me have the chance to speak first.
“Before you start lecturing me, I’d appreciate it if you would listen to me for a minute,” I told him, sitting up and folding one leg under me. “I’ve been trying since yesterday to tell Irin I found out what was wrong with me, but she refuses to stop talking long enough to hear it. Some of the conditioning they’d put me through was still affecting me, but I managed to neutralize it and now it’s all gone.”
“Indeed,” he said in much too neutral a way, folding his arms and leaning one broad shoulder against the door jamb. “I am to understand that what ailed you previously is now no more, and therefore should you be released from this punishment?”
“Well, you did say it was only a temporary measure,” I muttered, having no need to touch his mind to know he wasn’t believing a word I said. “You were absolutely right about how childish I was being, and if you’ll drop your shield you’ll be able to see for yourself that that’s all over with.”
“So, I am to release my shield and touch your mind, and then I will know the full truth of the matter,” he said, nodding slowly as he kept those eyes on me. “I am to put from my thoughts your ability to seize an unprotected mind, and seek the truth in the manner you suggest. You must forgive me should I appear skeptical, wenda, and also forgive my observation that there is another manner in which the truth might be learned.”
“What other way?” I asked with a sinking feeling, knowing beyond doubt that our conversation was not destined to turn out well. Rissim had already made up his mind about what he was going to do, and only had to explain it to me before he got on with it.
“To see truth, very often one need do no more than look about oneself,” he said, that horrible calm and patience sickeningly clear. “My girl child was told what was required of her, and also was she given punishment for offering insult to a parent, yet what did I discover this day upon my return to my house? I discovered that this selfsame child was no longer in the bed furs where she was to remain, she had once again refused nourishment, and had given her mother insult in the hearing of a servant. Now I am to believe that my child no longer suffers from what previously ailed her? I am to withhold additional punishment, for I have not been told what truly occurred? Speak to me, treda mine, and assure me that these things are not what they seem.”
“But they’re not!” I protested, trying to hold my voice steady as I got to my feet. “Yes, I argued with Irin, and yes I insulted her after refusing to eat, but I was provoked into doing all that! I really did find out what was wrong with me and fix it, but none of you will believe me! Do you know how frustrating it is when people won’t listen to you? I suppose I shouldn’t have lost my temper, but I’m not a child and I don’t do well being treated like one. You said you would treat me like an adult when I behaved like one, so I’m going to hold you to that. I stand as an adult before you, and now I want to be let out of here.”
“To speak of oneself as an adult is not to be that thing,” he came back, completely unconvinced. “At all times do one’s actions speak more clearly than one’s words, and what actions we have had from you are veritable shouts. I fear I must do my duty as I see it, and punish the disobedience of a child.”
“But that’s what I always act like,” I mumbled with that sinking feeling back as he unfolded his arms and leaned off the door jamb. This time I knew he would spank me harder, and I really didn’t want to experience that. I was trying desperately to decide if there was any place for me to run when he moved partway out of the doorway, giving me the chance to see beyond him, and for a moment I didn’t believe what I saw. Folded into an easy crouch not five feet from the door was Tammad, and as soon as my eyes touched him I found that he was also looking at me. For an instant my heart leaped as my lips parted and I began reaching a hand out to him, knowing that he would protect me and keep Rissim from doing what he intended, but then I was yanked back to the real world. Even if I hadn’t done what I had to Tammad, I still couldn’t have asked him to interfere, not when there
was nothing left for us to share. It simply wouldn’t have been fair, and the least I owed him was fairness. I closed my lips as my hand fell, then let my gaze do the same.
“On second thought, I undoubtedly deserve whatever you do to me,” I said to Rissim in an unliving voice as I stared down at the carpet fur. “And when you stop to think about it, it doesn’t even matter.”
My eyes closed all the way then, all the thoughts I had about Tammad trying to crowd at once into my mind. I’d never love anyone the way I loved him, but the reasons for our separating hadn’t changed at all. I’d rather die than hurt him, but if I stayed with him hurt was all he would be. Right then I really regretted the loss of that leftover conditioning, the mind sickness that had let me do what was necessary without once thinking about my feelings for him. I’d been able to blame him for everything he’d ever done to me without trying to understand any of it, the whole thing simply showing me more clearly how untrustworthy he was. Him, my beloved, untrustworthy. I turned blindly away from the door and hurried to a pile of cushions on the carpet fur, sinking down to wait there for what Rissim would do.