“But that doesn’t mean anything,” I protested weakly, trying to -get him to stop kissing me in between words.
“You can’t stay shielded forever, and once you release the shield you’re vulnerable again. And what if I solve your shield, the way I did with Farian’s?”
“Your time must be taken up with other things, so that you have none to spend on worrying and solvings,” he said, putting me to the carpeting before sending his hands to my clothing. “It has been far too long since last we shared our love, hama, and no longer am I able to keep my hands from you. I will see you well occupied, my beloved, and so well loved that never again will you doubt the wisdom of our sharing each other’s lives. You are mine, and never will I release you.”
My clothes were gone so fast I barely saw them go, and no more than an instant later his swordbelt and haddin were down with the rest. It was so mindlessly wonderful to be held and loved by him again, so achingly good to touch him all over, but along with the pleasure there also came something I hadn’t wanted and certainly hadn’t been looking for. By the time we had satisfied ourselves physically I was mentally at a new low, and not only because Tammad had proven one of my points for me. His excitement had been too high to let him keep his new shield in place very long, and he had ended as deeply inside my mind as he was in my body. Something very definitely had to be done, so I sighed and got started.
When we walked into the kitchens Irin was there with a number of the house women, but Tammad didn’t even glance at them. He went immediately to one corner of the room and began rummaging around, having no idea how many people were staring at him. Everyone was puzzled but then Irin got it, and a moment later she was over staring at me instead.
“How could you do that to him again?” she demanded, more upset than angry. “He loves you, and look what you’re making him do!”
“He said he wanted me to try again,” I evaded, trying to gather my courage, then said to hell with it and simply plunged in. “Irin—I’d like to apologize for what I said to you this morning. I shouldn’t have lost my temper with someone who was just trying to help—and certainly not when that someone was you. I’m really not quite that bad, at least not any more.”
She stared at me intently for a minute, trying to decide if I were lying, most likely, and then she realized that with Tammad under my control I had no reason to lie and could simply have left without saying a word. Her face softened and she came closer to hug me, and after I’d hugged her back she used one hand to smooth my hair.
“You don’t have to apologize to me, not with the way I was treating you,” she said, a lot of relief along with the amusement she showed. “If anyone had treated me like that, I probably would have thrown plates instead of insults. But I don’t understand what’s going on. Your father told me you and Tammad were back together again, just the way he’d hoped you would be. Why are you controlling him again?”
“To make a point and because I have a problem,” I answered glumly, letting pass what shed told me about Rissim’s plans. He’d pretended he was going to spank me, trying to force me to run to Tammad for protection, but it hadn’t worked out quite the way he’d wanted. “Irin, Tammad says he’ll never let me go, but a little while ago I realized why I’ve been so convinced that Tammad and I are through. With all the confusion and such cleared away I can recognize the feeling I have, a kind of feeling I’ve had before. It tells me I’ll never belong to him, and every time so far that feeling’s been right. I have to tell him it’s over between us no matter how hard he tries to fight it, but I don’t know how to make him believe me. Do you have any ideas?”
“You have a ‘feeling’?” she asked, frowning at me but not in disbelief. Shed let her shield dissolve, and her mind was also trying to stare at mine. “I don’t like the sound of that, and I think wed all better sit down and talk about it. Is this feeling the same thing you called a conviction when you spoke to the searchers last night?”
I nodded as she called one of the women over and sent her to get Rissim, then we waited until he showed up. Tammad kept busy searching the kitchen methodically, and Irin almost choked when she asked what he was looking for and I told her. The mighty l’lenda was looking for the shield that was going to protect him from me which he knew was hidden somewhere in the room, and he was determined to find it. She shook her head at me in forced disapproval, trying to swallow down laughter from inside, and made sure not to mention the point to Rissim.
Once he was there and had been told what was going on, I was able to release Tammad. After the couple of minutes necessary for his head to clear it was Rissim I had to hide behind, but the older l’lenda was able to calm the younger, and then we all went to a small, pleasant room to talk.
“I see no call for discussing a matter which need not even be considered,” Tammad growled when we were all seated among the cushions, his new shield tight around his mind. “The woman merely seeks to justify the stand she has taken, for stubbornness brings her naught when offered to me.”
“Tammad, we do have to discuss it,” lrin said with commiseration plain on her face, knowing he couldn’t get it from her mind. “Terry isn’t trying to be stubborn, she’s being told something, the same sort of something Murdock was told when he took her from us. Precognition seems to be a family trait, and she’s inherited it.”
“To refuse to give ear to a warning is not the doing of a brave man,” Rissim said, seeing along with the rest of us the way Tammad’s jaw set. “Instead is it the doing of a fool, for with sufficient warning a man may take victory from the grasp of his enemies. Tell us again of what has come to you, daughter.”
“I just suddenly knew I would never belong to him,” I answered, looking at Rissim rather than at the man I spoke about. “I’ve learned that it doesn’t matter whether or not I want it to be like that, it will happen anyway. Trying to talk me out of believing it won’t do any good, no more than forcing me to ignore it. We’ve already tried those things, and they didn’t work.”
Out of the corner of my eye I saw Tammad straighten where he sat, remembering in spite of himself the previous warnings I’d tried to give him. I’d asked to be taught how to use a sword and he’d laughed at me, but he hadn’t had any laughter left when I lost him to Roodar because I couldn’t use a sword. I’d asked not to be taken to Vediaster and especially not into the palace, and he’d ignored me-causing us all to be captured and enslaved. His anger backed. down a little, letting him join us in talking about the problem, but we talked for the rest of the day without finding any answers we could all live with.
We could have continued talking about it the next day, but the next day we all left to attack the complex on New Dawn.
14
I’ve never found wilderness particularly attractive, but there was something very satisfying in being in the wilderness on New Dawn. We who had gotten there on five large transports had set up a temporary camp just out of detection range of the complex, and it wouldn’t be long before we got the attack under way. I was wandering around alone for once, Tammad, Irin and Rissim all being occupied with other things, and I made excellent use of the thinking time. I couldn’t say I was particularly happy with one of the decisions I’d made, but another of them made up for it as far as it could ever be made up for. In a small way it even brightened the cloudy skies above me, and made me fairly eager to be finished with what we were doing so I could get started . . . .
“Well, fancy meeting you here,” a voice drawled, and I looked up to see Ashton giving me her usual grin. “Did you escape, or are you out on parole?”