A short while later, the curtain was moved aside and Doran came in. She sat next to me and stroked my hair, sympathy and compassion clear in her thoughts. She leaned over me to see what had been done, and a pang of strong, empathetic pain flashed before she sat back with a sigh, smoothing my hair again.
“Truly Terril, his anger was greater than it seemed,” she said softly. “The insult was grave, yet l’lendaa do not often take such strong measures with wendaa. A lighter switching is sufficient to teach her her place.”
“He hates me as I hate him.” I choked out, feeling pain deep inside me, too. “I gave him no insult, yet he beat me. I hate him!”
“Can you not see the insult you gave?” she asked gently. “I had wondered at your foolish behavior. Know then, Terril, that to taunt a warrior with some lack of ability is insult enough, but to offer him instruction before others is to call him darayse. Had you been warrior yourself, it would have meant your life or Tammad’s but the double sound within your name does not make you l’lenda. You are still wenda, and subject to Tammad’s switch.”
“I wish I were l’lenda!” I answered bitterly, wiping at the wetness on my face with the back of my hand. “It would give me much pleasure to end that that—barbarian! I hate him as I have never hated another!”
“You hate him, you are untutored in our ways, you insult him deeply, yet he keeps you,” she mused, curiosity and confusion mingled within her. “I would know the why of it, but the denday’s thoughts are not for me to know. Best you rest now till the greater of the pain is past. I shall begin the peral, and you may aid me later.”
She went out, leaving me alone in the camtah, but I couldn’t rest. I stretched out on the leather, a fistful of the sleeping furs in my hand, the ache inside and out of me consuming me. I finally knew what had caused the beating, but that didn’t make me hate him any less. I hadn’t insulted him on purpose, but that had made no difference to him. He beat me as if I were less than a seetar and he kept me only for the help he needed. Not a woman but a thing, to be endured until it was used and then discarded with relief. The tears flowed easily down my cheeks again to my outstretched arms and I lay still, wishing that the predator’s hunt had been successful. The feel of its teeth in my flesh could not have been as severe a pain as what I felt inside me then.
When Doran called me, I went outside the camtah. The sun was low in the sky, and the two warriors were with the seetarr checking hooves and mouths, running their hands over high, broad backs. Neither one of them turned as Doran gestured me over.
“The peral must be turned constantly,” she directed, nodding at the relatively small animal that was skinned and spitted over the fire. It had been seasoned with bits of the wrapping leaf, and had already been cooking awhile.
I took over at the crank of the spit, squatted down, and turned the thing as I stared into the fire. Doran went inside Faddan’s camtah, but I was grateful for what she’d already done. I was sure she wouldn’t have called me at all if she hadn’t had to.
As I turned the animal, I tried to pretend to myself that I was unawakened, that I didn’t know the feelings of the warriors near the seetarr. They were both aware of me as I crouched near the fire, but pretending didn’t help. I still felt Faddan’s faint sympathy and curiosity; I also felt the hard knot of tangle in the barbarian, not the least trace of tenderness or regret in him. A stone he was, and he cared nothing for me.
When Doran pronounced the animal done, Faddan lifted it off the spit, placed it on a leaf, and cut it up into quarters. There was more in my quarter than I could possibly eat, but I accepted it silently and carried it away from the fire that the other three sat themselves near. It was dark enough to find a good shadow, and I crouched in it, waiting for the meat to cool.
The conversation between the men slowly came to include Doran, and there was laughter shared among them. I crouched in my shadow and ate as I watched them eat, realizing there was more than physical distance separating me from them. They belonged together on their world, but I was an intruder who didn’t fit in, an outsider, for all that I knew their language. Before very long, I put the meat aside and simply watched them.
The conversation continued for a short while after they’d finished eating, then the barbarian stood up. Doran stood too, but with an odd sort of hesitation. Faddan stayed seated, but he smiled and nodded at her with deep satisfaction, so she turned, still hesitantly to the barbarian. He reached his hand out and stroked her cheek gently then took her arm and drew her into his camtah. Faddan made himself more comfortable by the fire.
I closed my eyes, but eyes are easily closed, and even open they wouldn’t have seen what there was to be felt inside the camtah. Doran teased lightly for a short while, but only to hide the tinge of fear she felt. Her mind quivered slightly when she was first touched, but she soon settled down to pleasurable acceptance. The fear disappeared completely and didn’t return, because he was gentle with her, gentle and tender! Tenderness for her, beatings and no regret for me. I lay down on the dark ground and curled up tight, feeling his satisfaction grow higher.
“It is late, Terril,” Faddan’s voice came suddenly from above me. “Come, you are to share my camtah this night.”
I curled up tighter, wishing him away from me, but he was l’lenda. He picked me up with no effort, carried me to his camtah, and put me down on furs. The smell of the camtah was different, and the furs were hers, but she didn’t need them. She had my furs, and she had—I wanted to cry but it hurt too much.
“The denday honors me this night,” Faddan said, feeling very pleased, deliberately ignoring my tight-clenched eyes and fists. “As it is Doran’s time, it is my hope that Tammad will give her his child so that I may raise it among those of my own that Doran shall give me. It is high honor to raise the child of a denday. ”
I didn’t answer him, and couldn’t keep myself from probing at the other camtah, searching for the least indication of dissatisfaction. I reached to his mind and hers, but there was nothing but shared pleasure there, nothing but the happiness of two people together. I put my fingers in the band around my neck and pulled at it, not caring how the chain dug into my neck and fingers.
“It is our way, Terril,” Faddan said gently forcing my fingers away from the band. “It does not mean that Tammad no longer considers you his belonging. He has told me that he shall not unband you.”
I opened my eyes to the shadows to find that his swordbelt and haddin were gone, and I suddenly realized that he was untying my imad and caldin! I tried to get away from him, tried to get out of the camtah—but he was l’lenda. His strength kept me where he wanted me, the imad and caldin were removed, then he lay down to take me in his arms.
“The denday does not wish you to be alone this night,” he murmured, holding me up against the warmth of his body. “He does me further honor by asking that I see to you. I shall ease your hurt as best I may”
He used me then as l’lenda do, and his gentleness was bitter to me. I didn’t want to be used, but more than that I didn’t want his gentleness! I struggled only a short time, then lay quietly and let him do as he wished. I wasn’t a slave to be chained and beaten, oh no. I was no less than a belonging to be given to any man approved of by him to whom I belonged. I lay quietly in the cloaking darkness, seeing the difference clearly
10
I was awake before everyone the next morning. I dressed quickly and quietly, leaving Faddan asleep in his furs, then went out into the pre-dawn stillness. The dark mass of seetarr were aware of me and I could feel their hunger, so I gathered up the leftovers of the last night’s meal and divided it among them. I gave a little extra to the barbarian’s mount, and the gigantic male rested his face on my shoulder as he chewed, thinking soothing thoughts at me. I stroked his neck awhile, letting him feel my gratitude, then turned back to the camp.