I was all dizzy when I stood up, luckily we couldn't look at the targets because I didn't want to see the shot-up bull's-eye close up, the judges took every target away immediately for evaluation, and then as we waited for the results Iron Fist came over and said all right, judging from how pale I looked he could tell I'd done what must be done. "Such is life," he said. "Smart people go with the flow," and then he reached into his pocket and took out the valve and put it in my hand, and he said, "Here, go ahead and put it away, you worked for it, you did," and as I took the valve it felt really hot, like it was burning my palm, and then the woman commander of the Young Pioneers called out, "Comrades, the results are about to be announced," and everyone went over to hear them, and when they got to our school, Iron Fist put an arm around my shoulder and just held me there like that, and I had my eyes on the mouth of the Young Pioneers commander, it was as if I saw that mouth in slow motion as it formed the words, and I didn't even hear the sound of her voice, I only read her lips saying "Sixty-three points," and I wanted to cry out, "That's a lie, that's cheating, I shot a perfect score," but that piece of metal was still heating up my hand, it felt like a real bullet, and then for some reason the names of the mountain ranges came to my mind, both the old names and the new ones, and I didn't say a thing, all I did was swallow, and meanwhile I heard them say that School No. 3 had won the shooting competition with 107 points, and then Iron Fist again pounded my back and said, "Don't be down about it now, you need to know how to lose."
8. Gift
EVERY TIME I saw my grandfather, his chest was covered with medals, he had so many that they didn't even fit on his coat, and besides the ones he wore, he had at least twice as many at home in a china cabinet where he kept his old sport-shooting trophy cups, but those medals on his chest sure did jangle when he leaned down to peck me on the cheeks. I didn't like it when he kissed me, his face was all oily from this cream he made himself, and he was always spreading it all over me too, and for days afterward I smelled that disgusting lavender smell, true, we didn't meet often to begin with, and practically never since my father was taken to the Danube Canal because my grandfather and grandmother didn't like my mother too much, they called her a screwed-up slut who couldn't get it through her head what a good world we lived in and that she was the one who made my father lose his senses, that this whole big affair with the Party was because of her, yes, he wound up at the Danube Canal because of her, and so they didn't even talk to my mother, and when they passed her on the street, even then it was like they didn't know her at all, they looked right through her and didn't even say hi, and if I was with her at such times, they were just the same with me, but twice a year I got to go visit them after all, on my birthday and my name day.
On those occasions my grandfather used to come by in his car to pick me up, he would wait for me down in front of our building in his sparkling black car, and when he saw me coming he always got out and opened the car door, but he didn't say hi and he didn't kiss me either, no, all he said was, "Do get in," and then all the way to my grandparents' place he didn't say a thing, just as if he was a genuine chauffeur, and only after we arrived and got out of the car did he say how glad he was I'd come, and only then did he peck me on the cheeks, as if the drive there didn't count, as if we'd met only there, in front of their house. My grandfather always sent the invitation a month ahead of time, and he always wrote the same words with his snaky handwriting, "I await you with love for a pleasant afternoon on the occasion of our mutual name day," that's exactly how he wrote it, he had the same name as my father and I, but I was not allowed to call him by his first name, and never Grandfather either, only Comrade Secretary, everyone except my grandmother called him that, though I think my grandfather was already retired, so he couldn't have been a secretary anyway.
That year the invitation came only two days before my name day, I was already thinking that my grandfather had forgotten all about it, but then I found the usual cream-colored envelope in our mailbox, just like always, addressed to me, and I told Mother right away and asked her if she'd let me go, and Mother broke into a sad smile and nodded the way she did when I asked her something she wasn't happy about, and she said, sure, she'd let me go, but like always, on one condition, of course it was nice of my grandfather the way he remembered me at least twice a year, and then she asked me if I still remembered what the condition was, and I nodded, and I said right away that I wasn't allowed to accept the gift I would receive, meaning I was allowed to accept it but not to keep it, I could play with it there as much as I wanted, but I'd have to give it back at the end, I couldn't bring it home because there was nothing in our home from my grandfather, and if it was up to my mother then there wouldn't ever be anything either, and then Mother said she knew how hard this was for me, that this was really a very strict rule, but once I got bigger I'd understand that it was the right thing to do, and I'd see, I'll even be glad, and of course I nodded, but I didn't say a thing because I thought of that electric train I got three years earlier for my birthday and how I wasn't able to try it out properly ever since, and I knew that Mother couldn't be right.
Mother also insisted that on these occasions I had to dress up, that no matter how hot it was, I couldn't go in plain shorts and a T-shirt, I had to get on those scratchy wool trousers she made from one of father's suits, plus a white shirt and a knit sweater and my Young Pioneers cravat, luckily I'd just grown out of those disgusting high-legged patent-leather shoes, so it was only my boots I had to shine, and I was done too when of course Mother then told me to comb my hair, but at least she didn't mat my hair down with a wet hand like the other times, and then she looked me over one more time, adjusted my cravat so it would be right in the middle, pecked me on the cheeks, and I was free to go.
Sure enough, there was that black car out front as soon as I stepped outside our apartment block, my grandfather was never late, he was always telling me that punctuality was extremely important, and as soon as he saw me he smiled, but he didn't get out of the car this time, no, he just reached back and lifted up the latch on the rear door, so I even had to open the door, but this time when I sat down inside he said, "Hey there," which really surprised me because he never said that sort of thing, he was much more formal, but as usual I said right away, "I kiss your hand, Comrade Secretary," and my grandfather nodded and started the car, and we hadn't even turned out of Long Street when he spoke again, he told me how big I'd grown since the last time he saw me, pretty soon I'd be a regular grownup, not that I knew what to say to that, only when we reached the church everyone just called Small Church did it occur to me that I should have said, "And you don't look a day older, Comrade Secretary," but by then it was too late, so instead I kept quiet, I could just barely see my grandfather's mouth in the rearview mirror, there was a little wound above his lips on one side, he must have cut himself while shaving, and it must have hurt because he licked it more than once, and through the whole ride I kept looking at his mouth because I wanted to know beforehand when he was about to say something, but my grandfather kept quiet for a long time, but when I saw him break into a grin I noticed that his mouth was exactly like Father's, and I almost told him so too, but luckily I remembered in time that I wasn't allowed to mention Father at all, and so I cupped my hand quickly over my mouth as if I'd only yawned, and then my grandfather spoke again, he said he could tell I was uneasy about talking to him the way I used to, it seemed I'd grown up, addressing him in formal terms didn't come naturally to me anymore, but I shouldn't let it get to me because before long we'd have ourselves a toast to celebrate finally being on friendly, grown-up terms. Well, that surprised me even more, and when he asked me if that would be all right, I said, "Quite all right, Comrade Secretary," but my grandfather didn't say a thing, he just frowned and shook his head. Meanwhile we drove through the main square and turned onto Heroes' Avenue, which was lined with great big trees, and finally we reached the side street where my grandparents lived.