But the door stayed open a notch, just enough so I could hear Mother go into her room, come out again, and then open the door to the kitchen, the cupboard door now creaked just so, I figured she must have removed a glass, and sure enough, I heard Mother turn the faucet and let the water run so it would be nice and cold, she drank it down in no big hurry and finished by splashing what was left into the sink, and then she pulled a kitchen chair out from under the table and sat down, meanwhile I crouched carefully by the desk and, quiet as could be, I pulled out the bottom drawer and put it on the rug, because it was under that drawer where I kept things I didn't want Mother knowing about, the medal I got from Grandfather, my carbide-packed exploding tin can, my slingshot, my tomahawk, all my lead soldiers, my spent bullets that still really smelled of gunpowder, and last but not least, the armor, which I took out of the drawer in a hurry together with the rag it was wrapped in, and meanwhile not a sound came from the kitchen, which really made me wonder what Mother was up to, not that she ever came spying on me, but I didn't want her to discover this secret hiding place either, so I slid the drawer back in just as carefully as I'd pulled it out, and then I stood up, sat down by the desk, and put my color pencil and my ruler by the notebook to look like I was really doing my homework, and only then did I take the lead soldier out of my pocket and begin to unwrap the armor, but suddenly the kitchen chair gave a creak, which made me think that Mother must have stood up and would come in right away to see what I was up to, so I quickly slipped the lead soldier between my thighs, picked up the pencil, and began writing HOMEWORK at the top of the page in my notebook, and that's when I heard Mother burst out sobbing, I heard it for a moment only, she must have put a hand over her mouth because then everything went quiet again, but even through the silence it was like I could hear Mother crying, I gripped the pencil so tight my fingers hurt, and try as I did not to think about Mother, I saw her before me all the same, I saw her sitting there at the kitchen table leaning on an elbow and pressing both hands tight against her mouth as the tears streamed down her face, and I knew that shutting my eyes would do no good because I'd see her even then, and it wouldn't help going out there to the kitchen and telling her not to cry, that would only make her yell at me, and besides, at night she would cry again for sure, so the best thing would be if she didn't even realize I'd heard her, but I knew she wouldn't be able to stand it for long, she'd burst out sobbing again, and then she'd be angry with me for hearing her, even though I couldn't help it she'd bawl me out anyway, and so I figured I'd better put the lead soldiers back in the drawer or else I'd get into trouble for sure. But I couldn't help being really curious to know if the armor would fit this new soldier, and so I began peeling away the rag from around it, carefully, with my left hand only, and without even taking the soldier out from between my thighs, and with the pencil there in my right hand the whole time as if I was just doing my homework, I went on removing the oily rag, and then all of a sudden I heard Mother this time really burst out sobbing louder than ever before, which scared me so much that my hand jerked, pressing the pencil so hard against the paper that the tip broke, which is when I heard Mother shove the chair back, stand up, and start cursing. "Goddamn it," she said, "goddamn this whole goddamn life," and then there was this loud clatter, and I knew Mother had flung her glass to the floor, and then I did get really frightened because I knew it meant big trouble if Mother threw something on the floor, she had never broken anything even back before they took Father away, she had never so much as slammed a door, not even when she and Father had had their biggest fights, so anyway, all of a sudden Mother slammed the kitchen door so hard I could hear the ornamental plates rattle against the wall, and then she stepped into the hall and stopped by the little telephone stand, and I heard her take deep breaths before snatching up the receiver and starting to dial so fast that before the spring had a chance to pull back the dial, she was already wrenching the dial back the other way with her finger, which made the whole telephone click over and over again, and then everything got all quiet, Mother didn't let out even a sniffle, and I could almost hear the telephone ringing a bunch of times at the other end before someone must have finally answered, because Mother shouted hello into the receiver three times, "Hello, hello, hello," and then she said, "If you've picked up already then at least say something, what is this, not saying a word when I can hear you wheezing at the other end, so what's it going to be, say something already, don't you recognize the voice of your own daughter-in-law," and then Mother's voice got louder and louder and I could hear the telephone stand begin creaking as she nudged it with a knee, and then I knew for sure that she really was worried about Father because otherwise she would never have called my grandparents, no, they never ever said a word to her especially since Father had been taken away, and that's because they blamed Mother for the whole mess, saying that Father would never have signed that open letter of protest on his own, that he'd done it only because she'd goaded him into it, and then Mother got all quiet, even the telephone stand stopped creaking, and when she did speak again she did so quietly, but in that sharp, dry tone she always used when she was really mad. "All right, Comrade Secretary," she said, and she told him that she too had good reason to feel insulted and that he would do well to be less concerned about his own honor and more about his son's life, and as soon as she said this Mother hushed up, and for a moment everything got completely quiet again, and then I finally opened up the suit of armor and tried slipping it onto the lead soldier, which was an unpainted Swiss guardsman without even a halberd, but the armor was too big, there was just no way to clasp it on, and that is when Mother spoke again, yes, she said that's why she called, what did my grandfather think she called for, what the hell else could they still talk about, of course it was about that, and meanwhile I was examining the lead soldier, which Feri sold to me because its upper part was flattened on account of botched casting, but I'd figured that wouldn't be noticeable under the armor, and so it seemed like a good buy except now I knew that it would be of no use to me either. And meanwhile the telephone stand began to creak again, Mother must have leaned against it, and she now told my grandfather not to go lying to her, she knew full well he still had contacts, he'd been a Party secretary for long enough so more than a few folks owed him a couple favors, come on, she said, he could at least tell her the name of someone who could help, and then for a while she didn't say a thing, but all at once she took a deep breath, gulping down air like water, and she spoke really loud into the phone, she told my grandfather that she wasn't about to wait, was that understood, she said, she wasn't about to wait, let it be now or never, was that understood, now or never, and by the time Mother said all this she was shouting, and I knew she was about to slam down the phone, and sure enough, at that very moment she did hurl it down so hard that the phone gave a loud clang before everything turned quiet, and then she yelled, "Enough is enough, I don't give a damn, the time has come for the old prick to do something for his son already," and then I heard her start off for my room only to stop after two steps, and quickly I covered the soldier and the armor with my math book, Mother now flung something soft to the floor, at first I couldn't figure out what it was, but then I heard her pulling the zipper down on her skirt and giving a curse under her breath, she must have tried sliding off her skirt so fast that it got caught on her foot, and by now I knew it was her blouse she'd thrown on the floor, and then I heard Mother hopping toward my room, on one leg, it seemed, and she was shouting for me to go help, her pantyhose was about to rip, and when I opened the door I saw Mother standing there in her bra, she really was on one leg, her skirt and pantyhose were pulled halfway down the leg she was holding in the air, and so I went over, and Mother told me to hold her side to keep her from falling, and then I stood right up beside her and put an arm around her waist, her face was streaked with tears, I saw, and then Mother bent down her head and began carefully pulling down her pantyhose, and while holding her I could feel her heart beating really fast. I thought of my grandfather and wanted to know what he'd said to Mother, but I didn't want to ask, and then Mother stepped out of her skirt and pantyhose with her other leg too, and I let her go, and there she stood beside me in nothing but her panties and bra, the only other time I'd seen her like that was when we went to the beach, but right now I didn't want to look all over her as she stood there like that except I didn't have a choice, Mother turned away and picked up her skirt and wiped her face with it, and then she told me to go to my room and put on my Sunday best like a good boy because we were going somewhere, and I was all ready to say I wasn't about to wear my disgusting knit vest, but then Mother lowered her skirt from her face and gave me this stare that kept my mouth shut, so I turned around and went to the closet to fetch my Sunday best, and I didn't even ask her where we were going.