She flew past him, Antha, through the glass, scuttling out on the roof, terrified, tangle of hair over her wet face, her eye, look at her eye, it’s on her cheek, dear God. Sobbing, “Don’t hurt me, don’t hurt me! Lasher, help me!”
“Rowan!”
And Julien, why didn’t he do something, why did he stand there crying silently, doing nothing. “You can call on the devil in hell and the saints in heaven, they won’t help you,” said Carlotta, her voice a snarl as she climbed through the window.
And Julien helpless. “Kill you, bitch, kill you, you will not … ”
She’s gone, she’s fallen, her scream unfurling like a great billowing red flag against the blue sky. Julien with his face in his hands. Helpless. Shimmering gone, a ghost witness. The chaos again, Carlotta fading. He clamped his hands on the iron bed, Julien sitting there, wavering yet distinct for an instant, I know you, dark eyes, smiling mouth, white hair, yes, you, don’t touch me! “Eh bien, Michel, at last!”
His hand struck the packing crates lying on the bed, but he couldn’t see them. He could see nothing but the light wavering and forming the image of the man sitting there under the covers, and then it was gone, and then it was there. Julien was trying to get out of the bed … No, get away from me.
“Michael!”
He had shoved the boxes off the bed. He was stumbling over the books. The dolls, where were the dolls? In the trunk. Julien said that, didn’t he? He said it in French. Laughter, a chorus of laughter. Rustle of skirts around him. Something broke. His knee struck something sharp, but he crawled on towards the trunk. Latches rusted, no problem, throw back the lid.
Wavering, vanishing, Julien stood there, nodding, pointing down into the trunk.
The rusted hinges broke completely as the lid slammed back into the old plaster and fell loose. What was that rustling, like taffeta all around him, feet scraping the floor around him, figures looming over him, like flashes of light through shutters, here and then gone, let me breathe, let me see. It was like the rustle of the nuns’ skirts when he was in school and they came thundering down the hallway to hit the boys, to make the boys get back in line, rustling of beads and cloth and petticoats …
But there are the dolls.
Look, the dolls! Don’t hurt them, they are so old and so fragile, with their dumb scribble scratch faces looking at you, and look, that one, with the button eyes, and the braids of gray, in her tiny little perfect man clothes of tweed to the very trousers. God, bones inside!
He held it. Mary Beth! The flapping gores of her skirts came against him; if he looked up he’d see her looking down; he did see her, there was no limit to what he could see, he could see the backs of their heads as they closed in on him, but nothing would hold steady even for an instant. It was all gossamer, and solid for one second and then nothing, the room full of dusty nothing and crowded to overflowing. Rowan came through as if through the tear in a fabric, grabbing him by the arm, and in a glimmering flash he saw Charlotte, knew it was Charlotte. Had he touched the doll? He looked down, they were all higgledy piggledy and so fragile on the layer of cheesecloth.
But where is Deborah? Deborah, you have got to tell me … He folded back the cloth, tumbling the newer dolls on each other, were they crying, somebody was crying, no, that was the baby screaming in the cradle, or Antha on the roof. Or both of them. Flash of Julien again, talking rapidly in French, down on one knee beside him, I can’t understand you. One millimeter of a second, and gone. You’re driving me crazy, what good am I to you or to anyone if I am crazy?
Get these skirts away from me! It was so much like the nuns.
“Michael!”
He groped under the cloth-where? – easy to tell for there lay the oldest, a mere stick thing of bones and one over from it, the blond hair of Charlotte, and that meant that the frail little thing between them was his Deborah. Tiny beetles raced from beneath it as he touched it. Its hair was disintegrating, oh, God, it’s falling apart, even the bones are turning to dust. And in horror, he drew back. He had left the print of his finger in its bone face. The blast of a fire caught him, he could smell it; her body all crumpled up like a wax thing on top of the pyre, and that voice in French ordering him to do something, but what?
“Deborah,” he said, touching it again, touching its little ragged dress of velvet. “Deborah!” It was so old his breath was going to blow it away Stella laughed. Stella was holding it. “Talk to me,” she said with her eyes squeezed shut, the young man beside her laughing. “You don’t really think this is going to work!”
What do you want of me?
The skirts pushed closer around him, mingling voices in French and English. He tried to catch Julien this time. It was like trying to catch a thought, a memory, something flitting through your mind when you listened to music. His hand lay on the little Deborah doll, crushing it down into the trunk, the blond hair doll tumbling against him. I’m destroying them.
“Deborah!”
Nothing, nothing.
What have I done that you won’t tell me!
Rowan was calling him. Shaking him; he almost hit her.
“Stop it!” he shouted. “They’re all here, in this house! Don’t you see? They’re waiting, they’re … they’re … there’s a name for it, they’re hovering … earthbound!”
How strong she was. She wouldn’t stop. She pulled him to his feet. “Let me go.” He saw them everywhere he looked, as if they were woven into a veil that was moving in the wind.
“Michael, stop it, it’s enough, stop … ”
Have to get out of here. He grabbed for the door frame. When he looked back at the bed he saw only the packing crates. He stared at the books. He had not touched the books. The sweat was pouring down his face, his clothes, look at his clothes, he ran his naked hands over his shirt, trembling, flash of Rowan, shimmer of them all around him again, only he couldn’t see their faces and he was tired of looking for their faces, tired of the draining zapping feelings running through him, “I can’t do this, goddamn it!” he shouted. This was like being underwater, even the voices he heard as he clamped his hands to his ears were like wavering hollow voices under water. And the stench, not possible to avoid it. The stench from the jars that were waiting, the jars …
Is this what you wanted of me, to come back here and to touch things and to know and to find out? Deborah, where are you?
Were they laughing at him? Flash of Eugenia with her dust mop. Not you! Go away. I want to see the dead not the living. And that was Julien’s laughter, wasn’t it? Someone was definitely crying, a baby crying in a cradle, and a dull low voice cursing in English, kill you, kill you, kill you.
“It’s enough, stop, don’t … ”
“No, it isn’t. The jars are there. It is not enough. Let me do it, once and for all, with all of it.”
He pushed her aside, amazed again at the strength with which she tried to stop him, and shoved open the door to the room of the jars. If only they would shut up, if only that baby would stop crying, and the old woman cursing, and that voice in French … “I can’t … ”
The jars.
A gust of air came up the stairway and moved the sluggish stench for an instant. He was standing with his hands over his ears looking at the jars. He took a deep breath, but the stench went into his lungs. Rowan was watching him. Is this what you want me to touch? And they wanted to come back, like a great sloppy veil again closing around him, but he wouldn’t let them. He sharpened his focus. The jars only. He took another breath.