This was a lot. It was too much. A wave of sadness for all that I had been through, for what I was yet to experience, crashed over me. What did I do now? The question was foolish and pressing. I was exhausted. All I said was, “So a computer chose us and now you’re here.” It was ridiculous, but then so was everything else. I laid my head down and cried, while the others stared into the fire, orange and yellow flames dancing in their eyes. For all my bravado and ‘attitude’, as Joseph put it, I was still a scared sixteen-year-old girl, pregnant and confused.
He moved closer and I let him. He gently put his hand on my head and stroked my hair until I drifted off to sleep.
I woke up feeling uncomfortable and cold. My back was sore and I was all twisted. Noises I had never heard before punctured the morning, birdcalls, fire crackling, and wind through the massive trees that surrounded us. I had imagined these sounds before, fantasized about how it would feel to be out in the forest, but hearing the real thing was a strange experience.
I turned to the sky, realizing that I was still sitting next to him. He had fallen asleep sitting up, his hand still in my hair. I lifted my head and his hand fell with a thud, startling him awake.
“Morning,” he said croakily, stretching his neck. He locked eyes with me and I saw it. That look. Somewhere in the back of my memory I heard, ‘like you’re the only girl in the world’. I looked away.
Everyone else was up. Clara, Alexei, and Apella were huddled together, examining a flimsy piece of colored paper. On the side that I could see was printed ‘Travel the Great Trans-Siberian Railway’. There was a picture of what looked like an antique train on the front, with the phrases, ‘trip of a lifetime’, and ‘family friendly’ written in yellow bubbles.
“What are you looking at?” I asked. Curiosity was getting the better of me, even though I really didn’t want to talk to Apella.
“This is the map we are going to follow,” Apella said.
“So this is your plan?” I said, hoping to God it wasn’t.
Apella patted Alexei’s arm lightly and turned to me. “Alexei used to work in the archives. He found a map in a folder marked ‘Pass Times’. When he noticed the railroad led all the way to Mongolia he, well we—” she gazed at him adoringly, “thought this would be the perfect plan.”
“And then what?” I said, folding my arms across my chest.
She avoided my eyes, looking to the side of my face. “When we find it, if we can make it to the mountains, we might find a safe place to hide over winter.”
I laughed bitterly. It sounded ludicrous. No, suicidal.
Sensing my not-very-well-hidden skepticism, Alexei added, “We can find the railway tracks and then we can follow them. Since we can’t use the reader’s GPS for risk of being tracked, it is the best way forward.” It was the first time he had spoken and it didn’t help my impression of him. His voice was wobbly like he wasn’t used to speaking. He sounded unsure and defensive.
What could I say? I was their captive at this point so I went for an attack. “Yeah, well, if you two don’t stop gazing at each other like that, you’re all going to remember what I had for dinner last night,” I spat at them. They were disgusting. I was truly fighting to keep my stomach calm. Apella blushed lightly and Alexei looked at me like I was some breed of female he had never encountered before. What was the word for him? Genteel.
Joseph chuckled. “Well, let’s get some breakfast into you.”
Deshi walked over and sat next to me. I shifted away from him a little. He just shrugged. He was holding a grey box. He opened a drawer, tapped a small pill from a jar he pulled from his pocket into the tray, and dripped some water into it from his flask. He replaced the tray and waited. A light on the top of the box turned from red to green. He pulled out the tray to reveal grey mush filled to the brim.
“Breakfast is served!” he said with a wink.
“What the hell is that?” I asked, staring at the gelatinous glob wobbling in front of me.
“I made it,” Deshi said proudly, shaking the tray under my nose. “It’s a self-sufficient, rehydration…” he twisted his lips to the side, thinking, “thing-a-ma-jig.”
I raised my eyebrows. “Thing-a-ma-jig?”
Deshi smiled unsurely. “The title’s a work in process. You probably recognise the grey substance from your milkshakes in the facility. It’s a high-protein, highly nutritious, synthetically manufactured food. It tastes like licking a glue stick but it will keep us alive.”
I shrugged. It was tasteless, but I ate it. It settled my stomach at least.
When I had finished, I was ready to fire my questions. I wiped my mouth on my sleeve and said, “So the plan is to find this track and follow it, for god knows how long, and then what? Freeze to death on the edge of a mountainside?” We had been warned at school about the dangers of the outside—the harsh terrain and the bitterly cold winters.
“It’s not as stupid as it sounds, Rosa. They will be expecting us to follow the rivers or the animal tracks. This way, we may have a chance of avoiding capture.” Of course, I had forgotten that people would be looking for us, especially Apella, since she was so important to the project.
“They’ll find us, especially while we’re with her,” I pointed to Apella accusingly. If I could smack her, I would. I paused on that thought. I could… She had put us all in danger with this crazy plan. Apella held out her wrist in front of the fire. She was scarred, new flesh growing around the edges of her tattoo.
“What have you done?” Although, I knew the answer to my question. They all had the same scratchy scars on their wrists, except for Joseph. I grabbed the scanner that Deshi had been playing with and held it over Apella’s wrist. “Ana Keffi,” the reader stated. I wondered if there was any level this woman wouldn’t stoop to. I glared at her and stood gracelessly. I wanted to leave. I picked a direction and started walking.
I could hear him following me as he noisily stomped through the forest. It was slippery, mossy grey rocks covering the ground. The trees out here were thin birches; their long white trunks spattered with grey were so close together they made me feel like I was behind bars. A natural prison. I was squinting up at the sun, trying to work out which way to go, when I lost my balance and fell. He grabbed my arm before I hit the ground, pulling me up roughly.
“You know you’re walking right back to where we just got you from?” Joseph said.
“Maybe I would be better off,” I said, knowing full well that was a lie.
“Don’t be so foolish, Rosa. You know…” he didn’t get to finish. I made him regret every word. I turned around and pushed him hard. I wanted him to fall, but the trees were so thick he just bounced off one, rubbing his back. He didn’t look surprised.
“You think I’m foolish? What the hell do you think you’re doing? What exactly do you think is going to happen to us? We’re going to die out here,” I screamed, pulling at my hair. I was beside myself. There was no scenario I could think of where we could come out of this ok or even alive.
“Take me back,” I said as I pushed him again.
“No.”
“Take me back!”
“I won’t take you back, so stop asking,” he said with a shrug.
He let me yell, rant, and rave, smacking into trees, throwing my arms around until I had nothing left in me. I sat down panting and he sat next to me wearing that infuriating, bemused expression.
“What?” I said crankily.
“Nothing,” he put his arms up in surrender. “It’s just…you’re beautiful.”
I rolled my eyes. “Even like this?” I pointed to my ball of a stomach.