“Even more so,” he said, looking at the ground. “Look, I know this is a lot, and I know you probably have a ton of questions, so ask me anything and I will tell you the truth.”
I’m sure I should have had loads of questions but only two came to mind: Rash and my father. I needed to know if Rash and the boys were safe. I couldn’t bear the idea that my behavior had translated into them being hurt. I hoped they were smart enough to distance themselves from their association with me.
“Is Rash alive?” I asked, shutting my eyes tightly as if that could shut out any bad news.
“If that’s the kid you were always sitting with, then yes, he’s alive.” He sounded disappointed. “You really care about him, huh?”
“Of course, Rash, Henri, all of the boys, they were my family.” I missed them so much. It hurt just to talk about them. Smells of sawdust mixed with blood permeated my senses.
“They’re all fine, sadder and quieter than before, but they’re ok.”
I didn’t really understand his attitude. He seemed upset that I had asked this question. Hurt. I was so relieved that they had survived, that I hadn’t brought down some awful punishment on them. I smiled thinking about the last time I had spoken to Rash, how we hugged and he had joked about not liking me ‘that way’, that he preferred his girls with a bit of meat on them. A soft laugh escaped my lips. I wondered what he would think if he saw me now. Probably make some joke about me laying off the gruel. Those short months seemed like a dream to me now. I wished he were here with me.
“I’m sorry that you were taken away from them,” he said.
“Don’t apologize… That,” I emphasized, “was not your fault.”
“Can you tell me what happened?” He was searching my eyes, so troubled. I touched my hand to my jaw, remembering the devastating slam of that hammer, the way it split and shattered my delicate face. There was no scar, but I touched my tongue to the inside of my mouth, placing it in the hole where three of my teeth used to be. I shook my head. I couldn’t talk to him about that. I was ashamed. I didn’t want to admit to how badly I had wanted that life, and how fantastically I had destroyed it.
“Anything else, then?” Joseph raised one eyebrow. His face was so close to mine. I wanted something, but recalling those feelings was hard. They were just out of reach, buried under a thin layer of grit and rubble.
“What did my father ask you to do?” This question genuinely surprised him. He took my hand in his. I recoiled. Not ready. He smiled.
“You remember that your father was my teacher, right?”
I nodded. He hooked me with those eyes and I had to stretch my anger, remind myself that I wasn’t sure about him yet. But God it was hard.
He shook his head slightly, too long a silence between us. “Your father and I were close. He was…different to the other teachers. He helped me prep for the Classes with extra tutoring.” I closed my eyes and just listened to his voice. The deep rumble of it, the way it felt in my chest. I could enjoy it because he couldn’t see what it was doing to me. “When word had come that your mother was pregnant, Lenos was concerned for you.” I shrugged, news always traveled fast in Pau. “Especially after what Paulo had done to his brother all those years ago.”
I opened my eyes, “What are you talking about?” Now I was surprised.
“I thought you knew. Everyone knows.”
I narrowed my eyes at him. “Well, I guess that makes me the only clueless idiot in Pau who didn’t know,” I said, throwing my hands up in the air and letting them flop back down in my lap. I was regretting my question.
Joseph rubbed the back of his head. “Sorry, I didn’t mean…” I rolled my eyes. His trepidation around me was as irritating as his amusement at my anger.
“Just tell me what I apparently should already know.”
He gave me a look like, ‘are you sure?’ I just sat in silence until he continued.
“Well, about ten years ago, Paulo’s brother had a child and kept it a secret. Lenos said even Paulo didn’t know about it at the start. But as the child grew, it became harder and harder to keep the secret. At that point he appealed to Paulo for help. Your stepfather called the police straight away and… Well, you can guess what happened to them.”
The truth was crystalizing like a mirage made real. The heartless couple. The way Paulo had cruelly forced me to watch as the police had mutilated the couples’ bodies. I felt deep sadness for my mother. Why on earth had she chosen such a man? Then that too was explained. My father did not leave us—Mother left him. She couldn’t cope with his constant troublemaking, his resistance to authority, and his attitudes towards the Superiors. She threatened to turn him in if he did not leave the two of us alone. So I guess she chose Paulo, because he was the opposite of my father in every way.
“Are you all right?” Joseph asked. I was staring through the trees. Thinking about my father, how I had always wondered why he left, and why he had never contacted me. It was a small comfort to know that maybe he had wanted to, but he couldn’t because of my mother. A very small comfort.
Clara emerged from the clustered trees, barely fitting between the trunks as she made her way towards us. She took my hand and pulled me up.
“We need to move,” she said, puffing hard but with that beautiful smile on her face. Framed by the light shining through the trunks, she was an angel. “Alexei says we only have a day’s head start and we need to make the most of it.” She flashed a grin at Joseph, which he returned in full. I could tell they would get along very well. “You must be Joseph,” she said and curtsied. She nearly fell over but he caught her. “You’re strong,” she giggled as he helped her stand.
“So are you,” he laughed. “You managed to move this lump over here,” he said as he pointed in my direction. I scowled at him. Laughing, smiling was hard. Deshi called Joseph and he left us behind as he bounded towards the campfire.
Clara linked arms with me and kissed me on the cheek. “So that’s Joseph,” she said, playfully elbowing me in the side as we walked. “Finally I get to meet him.”
“What do you mean, ‘finally’?” I couldn’t remember ever mentioning his name before.
Joseph slowed his pace at the mention of his name.
“After all those nights of you talking about him or to him in your sleep, it’s nice to finally see him in the flesh.”
I blushed. He was pretending not to listen, but I could see him smirking as he walked towards the others.
We reached the fire and there was a clatter of activity. There was barely time to think. Alexei threw a pack at me, and a green-grey coat. I pulled them on.
“I’m glad you decided to stay,” he said, out of breath.
“I didn’t say I would stay,” I announced.
“Well, you have two choices,” Joseph said, trying to force my hand, “follow us or go back to the facility.”
“Those are not the only choices. I will come with you, but I’m not going to follow you. If you want me to stay, then you have to include me in your planning. I will have a say and so will Clara.”
Joseph sighed, he knew me. He knew I wasn’t going to go along with everything they had already decided. If anything, I was always good at throwing a spanner in the works. We had all stopped moving. Alexei broke the silence.
“Very well, good, we will fill you in as we walk.” His voice had an academic edge to it. It didn’t help that he had thinning hair and spectacles. He looked like he spent all his time indoors reading books. I had my doubts that he would be the right person to lead this ridiculous group of travelers.
“Where are we going?” I asked him.
“Into the Wilderness.”