When I was finished, I cut up one of our blankets, trying hard not to picture its last use. With a pointed stick and more grass, I sewed it into my cradle to make a lining. I had made a crude capsule. I sewed strips onto the underside so that it could be carried on my back. It wasn’t pretty but it would work. We slipped Hessa inside it still wrapped. He was cozy and protected.
Apella put her hand up timidly. “Are you sure that is safe for a baby? He is so tiny. What if he slips out the bottom?” Both Joseph and I glared at her and she sealed her lips.
“It’s amazing!” Joseph said, congratulating me. “I had no idea you could make something like that.”
“Well, this is what I was going to do. Before…” I said. He looked at me sadly. I wished he would stop punishing himself. This was not his fault. None of it was. I didn’t blame him, but I couldn’t look at our situation the way he did, the way Clara did. It was not a blessing.
I grabbed his shoulders, heat pulsing through my fingertips, having to stand on my tiptoes to look him in the eye, my stomach touching his.
“This isn’t your fault,” I said. “Don’t look at me like you need to make up for something—you don’t.” I sounded angry, which is not what I meant. I just wanted to release him from this obligation he felt, this guilt.
He smirked. “There she is,” he said. He always confused me with his reaction to my anger. Like he enjoyed it or at the very least, expected it. I let him go and laughed. He was so annoying, so charming.
Deshi volunteered to carry Hessa first and I didn’t object. I was tired from all that work and could not ignore my heaviness and awkwardness. Over the last three weeks, I felt like I had doubled in size. It got in the way of everything and it moved more and more, less like a kick and more like a stretching of my skin, squashing my organs and bruising my insides.
I was even more frightened of it than I was before. Especially after seeing what Clara had gone through and how it had ended. I had to hope that I would not suffer the complications that killed her, but even the idea of all that pain was too much to consider. I tried really hard to put it out of my head. I had some time and there was no point in worrying about something that was out of my control.
There were miles of track in front of us. It stretched as far as the eye could see. I felt Clara’s arm link in mine. I imagined her dragging me forward. I looked at Hessa’s beautiful little face poking out of his capsule. He was content, shadows of leaves playing games with his eyes. I felt a surge of energy with the revelation that his happiness and that look on his face had to be maintained. No matter what, we had to protect this child.
Clara, I miss you so much. I wake up and I’m trying to find you. Where are you now? I need to make sense of what happened to you but there are no answers. I hope I am doing what you wanted. I know I can never replace you. I won’t even try. But I promise, I will treasure Hessa, we all will. Please don’t leave me.
The days took on a peaceful current. Being so focused on caring for Hessa left no room for arguments. We took turns carrying him and feeding him. I let Deshi change him, finding the stench created by drinking that grey stuff too powerful for my sensitive nose. Joseph stoically offered to wash out the soiled cloths but made a loud fuss as he ran, holding them in front of him, pinching his nose.
The nights were harder. I insisted on sleeping with Hessa. I needed to hold him; scared he would disappear if I let him go in the darkness. Even though Apella promised she wouldn’t run away with him, I didn’t trust her. I held the child close, tucking him into my sleeping bag every night.
I woke up to yelling. Hands frantically waving, Apella said, “Rosa, put Hessa down.”
“Yes, gently,” Alexei stammered.
“Easy now, don’t panic,” Joseph said, although his eyes said differently.
“For goodness sake!” Deshi cried out.
Four pairs of panicked eyes were all stalking me slowly. Deshi had his arms out, eyes wide with terror. He was edging closer, taking tiny, timid steps that didn’t disturb the dirt around his feet. Approaching me, as I imagine, one would approach a wild animal that was about to charge. Joseph was standing across the fire. “Rosa, stop.” My head was muddled—stop what? I looked directly in front of me. I had Hessa in my hands. I was holding the plump little baby out in front of me over the fire. The heat was starting to hurt my hands.
“Oh no!” I exclaimed as I pulled the baby towards me and held him close, his too warm face pressed into my neck. I recalled my dream, feeding the fire that I had made in the tunnel. In my arms was a piece of wood; I had nearly flung Hessa onto the flames. I couldn’t believe what I had almost done. Deshi stormed over to me and took the baby out of my arms. I let Hessa go without a fight. Deshi was distraught. I felt the sting of disconnection. Without the light, I felt myself crumbling again.
“That’s it! I’m sorry, Rosa, but it’s too dangerous. I could put up with the screaming and the nightmares but you could hurt him. You can’t sleep with him anymore,” Deshi said, telling me off like a child.
“I’m sorry, it’s the dreams. I can’t control it. He needs me,” I pleaded, lying selfishly. I knew the truth was—I needed him. It was no use anyway. Deshi put Hessa before everything else. As he should. As I should. I knew I couldn’t put the child in danger. Deshi tucked the beautiful baby in with him, muttering to himself about me being easier to handle when I was a zombie. Hessa cried for a second but Deshi patted his head and soon they were both asleep. Apella and Alexei waited until they knew Hessa was safe then went back to sleep, exhausted from all the walking.
Joseph had returned to his sleeping bag; he lay with his arms folded behind his head. His eyelids fluttered as sleep found him. His strong arms looked so appealing to me. I wanted to curl up next to him and lay my head on his muscled chest but I stopped myself. It was only inviting more pain, confusing an already extremely confusing situation.
I climbed back in my bag, knowing sleep would not come easy to me that night. Missing that warm, precious baby lying with me, I felt lost. I watched the fire, the way the orange light curled and consumed. Without fail, it found a way to devour its fuel. I closed my eyes and the flames licked up the wall of the blackened tunnel, hunting me down, singeing my flesh. Heart thumping in my chest, I opened them again.
I picked up a stick and traced shapes in the ground. Concentric circles, things we left behind. How long would I feel this way? If I let go of the pain, was I forgetting her? When I looked at Hessa’s face, when he grabbed my hand, I felt a joy I had never felt before. Then immediately, guilt would follow, knowing that I could see these moments in his life and Clara could not.
I thought about when I first met her. Those beautiful dolls painted on the wall. Her giggly exterior hiding such wisdom. I pulled a knife out of the pack. My eyes fell upon Joseph’s resting face again. They wandered over his body, taking in the things I could not when he was awake. His fair skin was looking darker from the sun, tiny freckles forming over the bridge of his nose. And of course, he was smiling, even in his sleep.