“It was self-defence,” said Tofu, looking around the class for support. “Olive tried to strangle her, and it was the only way in which she could calm her down. She gave her a little pinch to
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get her to loosen her grasp round her neck. That’s true, isn’t it, everybody?”
A chorus of support was raised.
“Yes,” said Larch, his face contorted into an expression of sincerity. “She’s quite dangerous, Mr Bing. We all know that.
But Miss Harmony still wants to protect her, and so she probably didn’t say anything about Olive trying to strangle her. Miss Harmony is so kind, you see. If somebody tries to strangle her she never says anything about it.”
Mr Bing seemed flustered. “Well, we might talk about this later,” he said. “For the time being, I should like to get to know you all. So what we’re going to do is to write a little piece about ourselves – just a page or so. And then we’ll put our names on top of that, and in that way I’ll know all about each of you! Now isn’t that a good idea?”
“Some people can’t write yet,” said Larch. “Olive can’t.”
“No,” said Tofu. “She’s illiterate, Mr Bing.”
Olive glared at Tofu, but was steadfastly ignored.
“Well,” said Mr Bing. “In that case, those who can write will write, and those who can’t can draw pictures for me! How about that? They can draw pictures of themselves and of their favourite things to do.”
“How do you draw fibs?” asked Tofu. “Because Olive will have to draw them.”
316 The World of Bertie – in His Own Words
“Now Tofu,” scolded Mr Bing. “We mustn’t say such things.
What you’ve just said about Olive creates negative karma. But I’m sure that you didn’t mean it, and so we’ll move on and start our little project. I’ll give you each a bit of paper and you can get down to work. What fun we shall all have!”
93. The World of Bertie – in His Own Words Giving the tip of his pencil a lick for good luck, Bertie began to write:
The world according to Bertie.
My name is Bertie Pollock, and I’m a boy. I live in Scotland Street, which is a place in Edinburgh. Our house is at No. 44, which is easy to remember. It is hard to get lost in Scotland Street, because it just goes up and down and you can see each end if you stand in the middle. I have a brother called Ulysses, who is very small and can’t talk or think yet. My Daddy’s name is Stuart, and he works for the Scottish Executive, where he makes up numbers. I think that he is very good at that because he has been promoted and given more money.
My Mummy’s name is Irene. She is quite tall and she talks more than Daddy, who sometimes tries to say something but is told not to say it by Mummy. Mummy has a friend called Dr Fairbairn, who is mad. He wears a blue jacket which Mummy says is made of stuff called linen. Dr Fairbairn lives in Queen Street. Most people have a living room, but he has a waiting room. He keeps copies of a magazine called Scottish Field in his waiting room so that people can read it before they go in to talk to him. I like reading Scottish Field because it has pictures of dogs and castles in it, and also pictures of people having fun.
Often I see a picture of Mr Roddy Martine in it and also Mr Charlie Maclean. They go to parties and have lots of fun. I am not sure what they do apart from having fun, but I still think that they are quite busy.
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Dr Fairbairn does not have much fun. I think that this is because he knows that they are going to send him to Carstairs one day. That is where they send all the really dangerous mad people. I think that they have booked a place for him there, but he is not ready to go just yet. Mummy will probably visit him there because she likes talking to him and she will miss him when he gets sent to Carstairs.
When she is not talking to Dr Fairbairn, Mummy likes going to the floatarium in Stockbridge. That is where she floats, in a special tank that makes you feel as if you are lying down on top of something. Mummy took Dr Fairbairn to the floatarium one day to show him how to float. I think that the tank is big enough for two people. Dr Fairbairn liked it because he seemed much more cheerful afterwards and did not just talk about ink-blots and dreams. Mummy said I should not tell Daddy about how we took Dr Fairbairn to the floatarium, as that would make Daddy want to go too and he would not like floating as much as Dr Fairbairn liked it. Mummy said that Daddy is happier with sums and numbers and that is the best thing for him to do.
My brother Ulysses looks just like Dr Fairbairn, but I do not think that he is mad like him. My friend Tofu tells me that there are lots of mad babies in Carstairs and that they have special padded playpens for them. I am not sure if this is true, because Tofu tells a lot of fibs and you never know when he is fibbing.
One day his pants will go on fire and that will serve him right for all those fibs he has told.
We do not have any pets. I would like to have a dog, and a cat too. I would also like a rabbit and a hedgehog. Mummy says that all of these things are smelly and are best left in the wild.
She says that dogs are really wolves and would be happier in the forest. She said that cats hate people and are spiteful too.
She says that rabbits are an evolutionary mistake and that hedgehogs have lots of fleas. So I am not allowed to have any of these animals.
There is a dog who lives in Drummond Place. He belongs 318 The World of Bertie – in His Own Words to a man called Mr Lordie, who paints pictures and who smells of turpentine. The dog is really nice. He is called Cyril and he has a gold tooth. When he opens his mouth to stick out his tongue you can see the gold tooth inside. He is a very smiley dog and everybody in Scotland Street, where I live, likes him, except for Mummy, because Cyril bit her when she called him bad and smelly. He was arrested for biting other people, but it was not him, and they got him out of the pound before they shot him. Now he is back and can go to the Cumberland Bar again. That is where people go to drink beer in the evenings. You cannot go there unless you are eighteen.
There is a different rule for dogs. Dogs can go there even if they are only one.
When I am eighteen I am going to go to live in Glasgow or Australia, or maybe Paris, where I have already been. Once I went to Glasgow and I met a very fat man there called Mr O’Connor. Mr O’Connor eats deep-fried Mars bars and is very proud of Glasgow. Mummy did not like him when he came to see us, but my Daddy likes him, a bit.
That is everything about me. I am happy with my life except for some things. I do not want to have anymore psychotherapy and I do not want to go to yoga anymore. I would like to go out with my Dad more and I would like Olive not to come and play at my house. I would like to have some nice friends, nicer than Tofu, and I would like to make a fort in the gardens with these friends. I would also like to go fishing with my friends, on a boat, but I cannot do that now because I do not have a boat and I do not have those friends yet.
I think the world is nice. I think that it is very sad that there are people who are unkind to one another. I also think that it is sad that there are people who want to kill other people just because they do not like them. I think that we should share things, and not be selfish, like Tofu.
Miss Harmony was a very kind teacher. We all loved her and she was very kind to us. I hope that wherever she is she
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is happy. I want her to come back, though. I want things to be the same again and for everybody to be happy. That is what I want.