Joseph gently laid Apella on her side and rubbed her back. She convulsed and vomited black sludge.
She looked dead but for a tiny rise in her ribcage. Maybe she should have been. We were waiting for something to flag, a noise, a cough, some hope.
And then she opened her eyes and said, “Alexei.”
I turned to the survivors and yelled as loud as I could, “She’s alive!”
The sound and surge of almost three thousand people clapping and cheering, and the sound of feet stamping with relief and joy was amazing.
Apella’s tiny, pale, crescent moon-shaped body lay in the grass in front of me. I kneeled down and kissed her cheek, the tears forming mud and sliding down her face.
“Look what you did.” I smiled at her.
I wrapped my arms around Joseph’s waist and pulled him closer, wanting to wrap the four of us into one giant cocoon. “You too,” I said. “You’re like hero or something.”
Addy was dead and Apella was drowning, slowly.
That was where we were. I knew the truth of it. But I couldn't accept it.
Matthew seemed at peace with Addy’s death. He’d expected it and had said his goodbyes to her before we left. I had denied it, and now it felt like my grief was dangling from a string just out of reach. I had no energy to jump for it.
We had been waiting at the hospital for three days. No sleep, no peace. Our bodies contorted to fit into cold, plastic chairs. Life was on hold.
We ate and drank other peoples’ food. The Survivors had poured into the town and flooded every corner, cleaning up, cooking, and caring.
*****
Rash placed his hand on mine and Joseph stared at us touching, my skin hot and prickly under his gaze.
“Are you ready to hear it yet?” Rash whispered, his finger absently stroking my knuckles.
I bowed my head, ashamed of my cowardice. Rash had a message for me from Addy, but I couldn't hear it. Not yet. Not when I could lose Apella.
He let it go.
Plastic chairs shuffled and Orry stirred in my arms, his little nose twitching.
Rash smirked. “I still can't believe you're a mother. A real deal mother.” His teeth flashed white and proud at me.
Joseph shuffled closer and stood over Rash. “And a good one.”
I yawned, saying, “Yeah right,” and rubbed my eyes. I leaned my head on Rash’s shoulder, and Joseph flinched above me. It had been like this since they met at the hospital. Awkward. Weird.
I lifted my head to Joseph; he looked weary but still beautiful. His freckles faded from spending so much time inside. “Are you going to do that every time we touch?” As soon as I said the words, I regretted them. He didn’t say anything; he just clenched one hand in a fist by his side and walked away.
My eyes returned to Apella’s grey, papery hand. I hated her like this. You could probably lift her skin off like a silt blanket, and she wouldn’t care or notice. Sleeping, she already looked dead, except for the labored breath and the slight flick of her eyes under her eyelids as she dreamed.
“You shouldn't have said that to beautiful, blond man, you know,” Rash said, his dark eyes focused on his neatly clasped hands between his knees.
I smiled weakly. “Don't call him that; he hates it.”
Rash flashed me a grin. “Well, I won't say it to his face anymore. Geez, you'd think he'd take it as a compliment!”
“I don't think he knows how to take you,” I said, knocking his shoulder.
“Like the amazing guy I am, baby.”
“You’re an idiot,” I said, swiping a stray tear from my cheek.
Rash shrugged. ”Yeah, but you love me.”
“Yep, I do.” Like family, like a brother.
Apella’s eyes dashed around under her lids. Thin blue veins spidered their way across her brow. She was fighting, at least for now.
I stood and placed Orry in the crook of her willowy arm. Pulling up the bed rail, I tucked him in. Alexei slept in the other bed, sedated. Hessa was curled in a cot between them. I made a wish for Apella to dream of her family, her babies. Something safe and warm.
I leaned down and kissed Rash on the forehead. He shook his head like it was gross. “What’d you do that for?”
I poked my tongue out at him. “What do you reckon?”
He just smiled.
“Go home and get some rest, Rash,” I said shoving him gently.
“You’ll be ok?” His tired eyes flickered concern.
I wasn't sure, but I nodded. My heart hurt like the spaces inside it were being scraped down and widened. I would be ok, but Apella wouldn't. She hadn't woken up, she coughed in her sleep, and she muttered incoherently. Matthew said she might not wake up at all.
Rash’s steps grew quieter, and I was alone with the breaths of the dying and grieving. One came in gasps like gravel, and the other like a cry. Would Alexei survive losing her?
I twisted my hair in my fingers as I paced, watching my son breathe happily beside her. He was perfect. He was the good thing, the unbreakable thing, that would make me be ok. I would make sure I survived this for him.
All this intervention. Bags dripped to replenish her fluids, and oxygen swirled in what was left of her lungs. Ash had set like concrete inside her.
I leaned in and pulled a strand of hair from her face, tucking it behind her ear. She’d probably hate that I touched her like that. I felt the cry trying to escape from my throat, and I held it in. This grief, this sadness, was like a scrabbling animal with razor sharp talons. It hurt but I knew if I let it out, it would be too much for me.
Her face was so unfamiliar. Was she in there? I wanted to talk to her so much I felt like shaking her. I took a step back and knocked one of the chairs to the ground.
I bent down to pick it up, the leg scraping over the tiles.
A finger flicked.
I looked up.
And Apella opened her eyes.
I grasped at the red button and click, click, clicked it, fast understanding it was broken. Picking up Orry, I went to Alexei, rattling his lonely body until he woke. He rolled over and gazed at me confused. “Ro…sa?”
“It’s Apella,” I said, with a rigid smile, forcing myself into it because I wasn’t sure what it meant. “She’s awake!”
He sprung to her side like they’d always been attached, and I ran to find Matthew and Joseph.
*****
She woke slowly, as in it took hours. She seemed to be grasping at consciousness, digging her nails in and hoisting herself up, only to have something drag her back under. Alexei coaxed her like you would a child hiding under the bed from monsters, and gradually she pulled free of her coma.
She flung her hand haplessly at the glass on the table in front of her, and I placed it to her lips. She took a brief sip, pursed her lips like it tasted bad, and shook her head, pushing it away. She attempted to clear her throat, but it was like urging cement uphill. “Deshi?” she croaked desperately, her eyes moving hollowly towards Joseph.
He dipped his chin to his chest before finding her eyes. “No… I’m sorry.”
Her eyes were wet, but no tears fell. I sensed she didn’t have the energy. She attempted to breath and collapsed over coughing. “Whaaat now?” she wheezed after it stopped. It was exhausting watching her fight for every breath. Each word she spoke punctured her throat and sent her into a coughing fit. Every time she took a breath, I was so scared it was her last.
Her eyes still begged for an answer.
What now?
No one answered. We didn’t know.
*****