Softly, but strongly, I said, “I don’t owe you anything.”
“Rosa…” Joseph sighed. I put my hand up to silence him.
Pelo was as thin as one of the straggly pine trees behind him and as straight as one too. I thought, Don’t do it. Don’t try to act all fatherly. It’s too late. But even though I barely knew him anymore, I knew what he would say.
His lips hardened, the authority almost laughable in his expression. “I am your father. You do owe me at least the chance to explain.” That word again, owe.
I laughed, coldly like the winter’s chill was inside me. Joseph slid his hand around my waist, but I couldn’t feel his warmth. I was frozen with anger. “You’re wrong, Pelo. I owe you nothing. You were supposed to take care of me until I was eighteen, not eight,” I spat, my voice rising with my emotions. People had stopped walking and peered between the trees, to where the three of us were trapped in this argument like birds pecking each other in a wooden cage. I walked right up to him and pushed my finger at his chest. “You owe me, Pelo. You owe me ten years!” I shouted. There was silence save a frightened flap of wings from above. I had just managed to quiet hundreds of peoples’ chattering with my rage.
Once the words I had been dying to say finally escaped my lips, I felt free.
Pelo looked like he had been hit with a sledgehammer. Stumbling back, he leaned against a tree, his dark face almost the same color as the worn, brown bark.
“I’m sorry,” he said, choking back tears.
I softened a little. Now I had stepped outside the cage and he was trapped, alone.
Joseph stepped in, his giant frame casting a shadow over Pelo. “Look, Pelo, I think we better leave it at that for now.”
Pelo nodded.
“No,” I whispered. “I can’t leave it. It can’t be left open like this.” We were twin wounds until we came to some kind of agreement.
Surprising even myself, I said, “I want you to be in my life. I want you to be in Orry’s life. But you can’t keep lording the fact that you are my biological father over my head.” I tugged at my hairband, letting the plait fall loose, the crimped strands dancing over my shoulders, stalling. What did I want? “It doesn’t mean anything to me anymore.” His face crumpled. “We have to start from scratch. Start over. You’re new to me, I don’t know you, and you certainly don’t know me.”
Pelo shook his head slowly. “You know, you’re a lot like your mother. You have that fire… that will to survive on your own terms.”
I took a sharp breath in and a step back. Who was he talking about?
“Please. Don’t talk about her. You don’t get to. At least she stayed,” I managed.
Flapping his hands, desperate not to upset me further, Pelo said, “All right, all right. We won’t talk of the past. We will start anew?”
“We’ll try,” I conceded.
Movement distracted us as the line continued to wind its way past us. I heard Rash singing out of tune, and Joseph and I ran to catch up to him.
Just as we neared them, Joseph pulled me backwards and wrapped his arms around me, kissing the top of my head gently. I breathed into him, and my body relaxed a little.
“You’re amazing, you know that?” His gaze was so hard to look away from.
I blushed and snorted. “Hardly!”
He shook his head. “Not many people could forgive, especially after everything you’ve been through. I’m impressed that you could let it go and give him another chance.”
I gulped and stepped back, pointing to my chest. “It’s still here. I feel it.” I hoped I could let it go. But I was still clamped around my distrust of Pelo like a rusty bear trap. It was an old feeling. It had lived in me for a long time and felt at home there. Those things didn’t release themselves so easily.
We caught up to Rash, and Joseph actually talked to him. It made me smile, which I think Joseph thought was about Pelo. I was happy to let him think it.
We wound and trekked, keeping in time with the others.
We had a week before we reached the Monkey City. God only knew what we would find when we arrived.
We split up into smaller groups of a few hundred people. We started as one giant organism, and then pulled apart so as not to draw too much attention to ourselves. Predators stayed away because there were so many of us; we didn’t see any soldiers. They had probably returned to the Woodlands now, with Deshi. I walked with my shoulders hunched. Despite Joseph’s effort to pull them down, I was wound tight, bound up with all my insecurities about my father. I only had myself to blame for letting him into my life. The consequence was his bouncy, non-stop enthusiasm, which made me want to run repeatedly into a pine tree until I knocked myself out.
Rash wandered through the whole group, collecting friends as he went. He and Joseph even seemed to be coming to an understanding. Although I suspect it had more to do with the fact that Rash had started focusing his attention towards a shy girl who was part of our group. My complete opposite; round, amply breasted, with short, blonde hair that framed her cute face. She was always tucking it behind her ears. Rash was always teasing her and un-tucking it, which made her flush scarlet, two perfect apples appearing on her cheeks.
I was watching him dance around her like an idiot when Joseph nudged me. “You jealous?” he asked with a smile on his face, but his voice was careful. Orry snored on Joseph’s back, their curls matching up and creating one golden halo that didn’t include me.
I looked up at him, wondering whether I should provoke him or reassure him. I squinted into the light shining behind his hair and sighed at his ridiculous beauty. “Nope,” I said, continuing to stare up, my lips pursed.
Joseph frowned. “That’s it?”
“What am I supposed to say?” I asked, confused. We stopped, and I took a swig of water from my bottle, handing it to Joseph.
He paused before sipping. “Well, I thought since Rash is an ex-boyfriend, you might have some feelings about him chasing after another girl.”
The water I was about to swallow reversed and came out my mouth and nose as I snorted.
“What? You think Rash and I…?” I couldn’t even finish the sentence.
I leaned over and wiped my face, shaking with laughter.
Joseph’s stern shadow hung over me. “Stop laughing. It’s not that unreasonable an assumption,” he said, embarrassed. “I saw you back at the Classes, you were always so close.”
I tried to calm myself, taking a deep breath. “Look, Rash and I have always been friends, and that’s all.” I pointed over at Rash and the girl. “Clearly, I’m not his type. Can we please just let this go?” I asked.
Joseph looked from me, to the girl, to Rash, and back again, and then he smirked, “All right.”
I really hoped it was the last time I would hear about this.
*****
We were nearly there. Some of the groups took a less direct route and would arrive over the next few days. We were the first to arrive. Everyone stood on the edges of the crumbling city, tired and sore from sleeping on the ground and hungry from eating only quick-hunted game and sparse supplies. We were dirty and completely over it.
The sun-bleached walls splattered with bird poo were not overwhelmingly welcoming. The city was huge, with plenty of places to hide, but this was not home. Gus shouted, waving his hands about, trying to get our attention. The group curled around him like a folding petal as he spoke. “I’m going in to ask permission. Can I have three flanking volunteers?”
My eyes narrowed at the word ‘permission’. Permission from who? The monkeys? I pictured those yellow eyes and whipping, striped tails, cringing.