“Thank you,” was all I managed. She nodded and returned to her work, coughing, wheezing, and spluttering like her lungs were trying to escape her chest.
I kissed her cheek and settled into a chair to watch.
*****
Hessa shoving a slice of sucked-on bread up my nose awoke me. People had been coming in over the last day, bringing food and words of comfort. But mostly they’d left us alone. It was too devastating for everyone. They loved Orry, and they seemed to understand that we couldn’t handle their sadness as well as our own. Right now, all anyone could do was wait. We were all waiting on Apella and physically weighing her down. She became flatter and thinner with every hour, until she could almost be confused with the fragile glass slides that covered her makeshift desk. I felt terrible but then I’d look at Orry, his tiny fingers peeling back, red and raw, and I knew this was the only way. She knew it too.
Behind Hessa, Odval stood with her hands clasped in front of her. She moved towards Orry and paused to look at me. “May I?” she whispered.
“Of course.”
When she reached him, her hand went to her mouth, but I managed to catch the words. “Poor darling child. You don’t deserve this.”
She was right. Everyone deserved this more than Orry did. My heart heaved in my chest, and my stomach growled. Odval pulled sandwiches from her bag and handed them around. She started to ask me how I was, but I just shook my head and put my hand up to stop her. There were no words left to describe how empty and useless I felt.
Apella lifted a piece of paper close to her face, peered at it for a long time, and then let it fall to the ground. Pure white on the shiny orange floor. The colorful curtains smiled sickeningly. Another dead end. I was trying hard, but a large part of me wanted to grab her ankles and snap her like a towel until the answer sprung from her mouth. But I clasped my hands together tightly and held it in. She was the only one who could solve this puzzle.
Odval made her excuses, scooped up Hessa, and left. I was sure she burst into tears as soon as the door sealed after her. We were running out of time.
As if sensing my rising panic, Joseph motioned to me from his perch. He’d barely left Orry’s side, same as me. We had both been parked on either side of his bed, sleeping in the chair or on the floor. We didn’t talk much. There wasn’t much to say.
I crept over to him and crawled in his lap, allowing his big, warm arms to encircle me. Once they would have been all I needed to keep calm, to stave off nightmares. Now they were just arms. Arms I loved, cherished, but our suffering was so deep that there was no escaping it, not even for a second.
Joseph’s voice rumbled, the vibration wrapping around my strangled heart and soothing it just a little. His voice was strong with cracks in it. “Tell me about our son’s first steps,” he said.
I took a deep breath and exhaled with a smile that felt awkward to get out but once I started talking, it stayed there, comfortably on my face. Thinking of and talking about Orry would always make me smile.
*****
I awoke in a hospital bed. The lights dimmed, shining like fuzzy stars. Orry’s breathing reassured me, and Apella’s juicy wheezing frightened me. I scanned the small infirmary, looking for Joseph. He wasn’t there. I kissed Orry’s red forehead gently and snuck out to find him. I stepped out and looked down into the base of the amphitheater. Small blobs of firelight glowed against the slimy, black stones. The water rushing, mixed with slabs of ice smacking together, gave me the chills. I hugged myself tightly and walked towards our living quarters.
“Ouch!”
Something soft and bony crunched beneath my foot.
“Geez, Soar. I know you’ve got stuff on your mind, but can you watch where you’re going?” A white smile floated in the darkness, then arms grabbed at me and wrestled me to the floor. I slapped at him weakly, and then melted into his embrace.
“What are you doing here?” I asked, although I knew he’d pretty much been camping here since I’d run in, screaming, with Orry in my arms.
Rash punched my shoulder lightly as I came to rest next to him, my feet swinging over the edge of the wall. “Just looking out for you,” he said lightly. Then his voice caught a little. “You know, this really sucks.”
I leaned on his shoulder. “Yep.”
“How’s beautiful blond man taking it?” Rash asked sincerely.
“I don’t know. Bad, probably,” I said, my eyebrows drawn together as I realized I hadn’t really asked him, and he hadn’t asked me.
“Probably?”
I let my hand rest on top of his. “Yeah, you know, I think we’re both trying so hard to be there for each other that neither of us can let any of it out. I’m scared if I fall apart in front of him, he won’t be able to cope. We’re barely keeping it together as it is.”
There was silence for a while as we listened to the hum and clang of people settling in for the night.
“How about we do a little bit of a leaning-on train?”
“Huh?”
“Blond man leans on you, and you lean on me…”
“And who do you lean on?”
He waved the air in front of him. “Nah, I’ll be fine,” he said dismissively, adding, “and if I really need comfort, I’ve got the beautiful, young Essie to lean on or lie on or whatever.”
I laughed, a strange feeling. “You’re so charming. And she’s not that young. She’s older than you, you know?”
He bumped me again. “Yes, I am. And yes, I know, but I’m very mature for my age.” He laughed as he spoke, not able to get out that last part with a serious expression on his face.
“You’re something… I’m not sure mature is the right word though!”
We were quiet for a moment. The brief humor was just that.
I sighed and pretended we were under the stars.
Orry, please live. All these people love you and need you. Live.
“Hey, wanna hear something creepy?” Rash asked after a long silence.
“Probably not,” I said.
He ignored me and continued, “Have you noticed how there’s a lot more men than women down here?” he asked, talking in spooky, hushed whispers.
I shook my head. I hadn’t noticed. After a while, the Survivors and the people down here had started to meld together. The only noticeable difference was at nighttime, when screens illuminated the Survivors’ faces and firelight warmed the faces of the original occupants of this cavern.
I tried to force myself to think about something other than Orry, but it was like trying to force a desk through a bathroom window. It didn’t fit.
“Geez, you’re slow,” he said, flashes of white bouncing of his teeth from the fires and battery light below.
I remember noticing there were no children. But I was used to that. There were however quite a few teenagers, teenage boys. No girls.
Rash was watching me, bouncing his legs. He smirked as my eyes widened in realization and clapped his hands. “And there it is… It’s a miracle, the girl has a brain.”
I scowled and elbowed him hard in the side.
“Where are all the young women?” I asked, quite sure that I didn’t really want to know.
“Well, do you really think once the Superiors found out about this place, they would let one of us just make his own little society without some sort of payback?” His tone turned serious after that. “They took all the girls, the women of ‘child bearing’ age, in exchange for leaving the rest alone. From what I hear, most of the girls volunteered to go.” He shrugged. “It was that, or they all died.”
“When did this happen?”
“About a year and a half ago,” Rash replied.