I shrugged. “Well… yes.”
“No one’s going to volunteer for that mission. It’s too dangerous,” he replied, shaking his head.
“I’ll go,” a voice thundered from the front of the crowd. A voice I knew. A voice I loved too much to let him go alone.
“Then so will I,” I said under my breath.
*****
It was voted by almost the entire community that we would do something. The grains of a plan were starting to drop and pile together, Gus begrudgingly leading the way. We would split into eight groups as we had when we retrieved the Spiders. We would travel together to the Superiors’ compound, but only two people would proceed inside. Gus was adamant about this. He didn’t want to waste lives. We would carry what we thought Deshi would need to adapt the discs. If the two were successful, Deshi would do the necessary adjustments for the eight discs. The groups would separate and plant them at each compound. A message at the end of each video would urge them to fight back for their daughters, their children. It was a loose plan. It was a long shot, but I had to believe it was worth it.
*****
Pietre knocked on the inside of my scraped-out dwelling. I knew it was him, because the knocking was impatient and aggressive.
He limped in, his face awkward and hot.
“Ahem. Rosa, I have a proposal for you.”
I laughed. “I think we’re a bit past proposals, aren’t we?”
He stumbled a little and caught himself on the wall.
“I’ll take the child for you. Careen and I.”
I guess my face said it all, because he looked instantly annoyed and offended.
“You needn’t look so surprised. Just because you and I don’t get along does not mean I’m incapable of caring for him.”
“But… why?” I couldn’t understand why he would offer such a thing and what he could possibly want in return.
He leaned against the wall, his chest heaving slowly, sadly. “I need to be useful. I can’t go with the others on this mission, and I damn well won’t stay here. You were right; we’ve all been lost for too long, hanging on to our grief like a life preserver…”
I arched an eyebrow at his words. I didn’t know what exactly a life preserver was, but I thought I caught the meaning. It was wrapped up with not wanting to let go but having to.
My hands were trembling. How could I leave Orry? But at the same time, how could I stay and just let it happen? The death, the threat… they would come for us eventually anyway. Maybe, at least this way, we could try to stop it, try to save everyone. The choice was impossible.
Pietre tapped his foot impatiently. “Well…?”
I stood, pulling my hair back into a rough ponytail. “I need to speak to Joseph first,” I said.
He snorted. “Well, you know where to find me.”
I narrowed my eyes. “I’ll just listen out for the sound of wood clunking against rock.”
He sort of smiled-grimaced and walked out as best he could.
Could I trust Pietre with Orry? We respectfully disliked each other but the answer was yes, I could trust him. I knew he would die before he let anything happen to Orry, and I knew Careen would be warrior enough for both of them.
I slipped on my shoes and went to find Joseph.
How do we leave you? My heart’s torn in more pieces than I can count. To be good parents, to be the people we want you to look up to, we have to do this.
I don’t know how we’ll leave. But I don’t know how we can stay.
Joseph sat with his legs hanging over the edge of the channel. His limbs were spread wide, his gaze somewhere deep in the black water. The image struck me like a flash of old light; Joseph sitting atop the pillar at the gate to Ring Three. It clawed at me uncomfortably. I didn’t wish things had been different, not exactly. I was glad Pelo had sent this giant, beautiful blond man my way. But it had never been easy. We fought so hard to get to where we were. Addy’s words came back to me in an echoing swirl, mixing with the swish and silk sounds of the water spitting at Joseph’s feet.
“Nothing in the world is worth having or worth doing unless it means effort, pain, and struggle… life would be a bit boring if it were.” She’d said it to me with a wink, just after my attack. I wiped a casual tear from my cheek that seemed to appear without me noticing. Our lives were certainly not boring.
I sat down next him, feeling a cold pinch from the icy stones. “Whatchya thinking?” I asked, nudging his shoulder gently.
He turned to me, his face shrouded in murky, brown shadows. “You’re not mad?”
I shrugged. “No, not really. But you know I’m coming with you, right?”
He crept his arm around my waist and pulled me into his lap. “Yeah, I figured.”
He returned his gaze to the running water. I shivered as sprays of mist rose and coated my thinly clad legs. He noticed and held me closer.
“You’re just trying to work out how to leave, aren’t you?” I asked. It was the same thing I wrestled with.
“Yes.”
“Me too,” I said, resting my head against his chest as he smoothed wisps of my hair down on top of my head.
We both sat there for a long time, waiting for something to tell us it was okay. Maybe a revelation waited at the bottom of the water, like a pebble that would rise up and tell us that we were making the right decision. But nothing came.
We talked it over. Discussed it like a real, grown-up couple. This was the most important decision we would ever make.
In the end, it really came down to what we could live with. And we couldn’t live with this or like this anymore.
We grasped hands and climbed back towards our room where Orry was sleeping.
I stumbled over the black rock and slipped. I wouldn’t let go of Joseph’s hand, and it affected my balance. Funny when he was the only thing that really gave me any semblance of balance. My father, even Rash, sometimes threw me off, flung shifting plates under my feet. But my father also sent Joseph my way. I laughed in the dark.
Joseph tugged my hand. “What so funny?”
I squeezed his fingers tighter. “Nothing. It’s just…”
“What?” He pulled me back and made me sit down. All I could see was a shadow that I knew was concerned for me, so I talked to it. Safely.
“Do you regret it?” I whispered, aware of the clinking and shuffling of people in their bedrooms. “I mean, my father sending you to me like he did…”
I could see a vague shaking from side to side. “Never.” My heart swelled.
I tapped my leg anxiously, nervous to ask the question. Just spit it out. “Can you tell me about him?”
He chuckled. “It’s taken you a long time to ask me that question, but why now? Why don’t you ask him yourself?”
I rolled my achy shoulders, wondering the same thing. “It’s because he makes me see red; I don’t know how to talk to him without anger getting in the way. Do you know what I mean?”
Joseph placed his hand on my leg and rubbed my thigh. “I do. What do you want to know?”
“All of it, but maybe start with why he sent you after me,” I said clearly, curiosity gaining momentum.
“Well, that’s easy. Because he loves you. I could see it in those weird eyes of his every time he asked about you,” he said, digging me in the ribs playfully with his elbow.
I snorted, even though I knew it was true. Because even if he loved me, it couldn’t have been much to leave me with Paulo.
“Ok, if that’s true, why didn’t he come find me?” My tone was turning whiny. I didn’t like it, but it hurt that he’d left me to fend for myself against the tyrannical Paulo.