Cassie shouted from the lawn. ‘Finally,’ he said, and everything snapped back into place. I pulled my hand out of the chip packet, wiped my fingers on my shorts. Cassie turned his bike the right way up and Ian let go of my knee. I could feel Ian watching my hands and I placed them in my lap and tried to make them look normal and like I didn’t care. My wrist ached and I chewed the inside of my cheek to stop myself from crying. Ian stood up and walked down the steps to Cassie. There was no mark on my wrist or on my knee, but the tips of my fingers were yellow from the chips. I licked them but the yellow didn’t come off. I didn’t know why Ian had done that, why he’d touched me like that, but I knew if I told Cassie he wouldn’t believe me or wouldn’t care. That was the worst bit.
Ian stayed in the yard as Cassie went inside to get his backpack, and then under the house to where Dad kept his extra beer. As they headed off into the paddock I could hear Dad get up from the couch and pad into the bathroom. He left the door open, didn’t flush, and instead of going back to the couch he came out to the verandah. I picked at the railing and pretended to be staring at nothing, but Ian and Cassie were at the paddock fence, unhooking the latch and opening the gate.
Dad was staring at Cassie and Ian, but I recognised the look on his face. Once they were into the paddock he had a long, slow sip before placing his hand on top of my head.
‘Where are they going, Cub?’ he said, so quiet I almost couldn’t hear him.
I paused. I didn’t care if Cassie thought I was a dobber. I wanted him to get in trouble, wanted Ian to get in trouble. ‘The knackery,’ I said. ‘They go out there all the time. I’ve seen them.’
Dad nodded slowly. I expected an explosion, but he didn’t get mad then. His hand was light on my head, and I imagined him pressing down and pushing me through the floorboards, to where the things that slipped through the cracks disappeared, to where our cut hair had gathered like a warm blanket in the dirt.
By dinnertime Cassie still wasn’t back from the paddock. I knew Dad was furious in his quiet way. He made us wait nearly half an hour before he let us eat. Even though Mum hadn’t dished up a plate for Cassie, Dad got one out of the cupboard, piled it up with sausages and vegies and set it down at Cassie’s place at the table.
I was so hungry I took a nibble of my sausage when I thought Dad wasn’t paying attention.
‘Wait for your brother,’ Dad said, sliding my plate out of reach.
Mum said he was being silly and started eating anyway, but Dad slammed his hand onto the table and Mum’s wrists jumped. She put her knife and fork back on her plate, clasped her hands under her chin as though praying. By the time Dad let us eat the food had gone cold and Mum had to zap everyone’s plates in the microwave.
After dinner Dad stayed put at the table. He scraped the last of his mash onto his fork, wiped his plate with his finger and licked his finger clean. He scraped back his chair, took the keys from the bench and went out into the yard.
No one noticed him leave, no one but me seemed to notice how angry he was, and I stood in the doorway as he put on his boots and walked down the stairs, got into the truck. As he reversed there was a scraping sound underneath the tyres, and when he reached the gate he left the engine running. Headlights flushed the paddock as he opened the gates. His body was hunched as he dragged the fence forward, surrounded by a wash of golden dust that made him glow like an angel. When the truck was far enough into the paddock that I couldn’t see it or hear it anymore I turned on the verandah light. Cassie’s bike was twisted in the grass.
My plan was working. Soon Ian would be gone and Cassie would be back and everything would stand still for a while. Something big was happening and I was the cause of it. I felt like I was the centre of the universe, like a sparkling, important star.
I sat on the verandah and waited, and after a while Mum came outside looking for Dad. Her hair was wet and clung to her face.
‘He’s out there,’ I said, pointing forward. I watched Mum’s eyes and they didn’t flicker.
‘What’s he doing out there, hey?’ she said, rubbing the ends of her hair between the towel. Her voice was a chirp and she spoke as though she wasn’t really after an answer.
‘Cassie went out to the knackery with Ian,’ I said. I felt a throb of satisfaction pass through me like a current. ‘Ian’s obsessed with Granddad. That’s the only reason he’s friends with Cassie. They go out to the knackery and do all sorts of weird stuff.’
Mum didn’t reply, but when I looked down her toes were curled like snails over the edge of the stairs.
I closed my eyes, and after a minute I sensed Mum disappear from beside me. I kept my eyes closed, listened for footsteps or the engine rumbling in the distance, for a light to sweep the front of my eyelids like a torch. I was bored and getting nervous. I hadn’t thought it would take this long for Dad to tell Ian to rack off, to bring Cassie home.
I heard it eventually, though, the engine coming in from way out in the paddock. It wasn’t until I was hit by light that I opened my eyes. The truck pulled through the gate. I stood up on the stairs, leaned against the railing. Before the truck had even come to a stop the passenger door flung open and Cassie jumped out. He fell onto his knees and scrambled up, headed back towards the paddock. Before he got very far Dad was out of the truck as well. He grabbed Cassie by the arm, tripping him back down in the dirt.
‘You could have killed him!’ Cassie screamed.
Dad hadn’t turned off the engine, and the two of them were lit up. Cassie stood up and pushed past Dad to get around him, but Dad slammed Cassie against the bonnet.
‘How dare you bloody go out there!’ Dad said, shouting as well, with a finger prodding at Cassie’s chest. ‘How dare you bloody take that boy out there! If you go anywhere near that place again I’ll break both your fucking arms.’ Dad turned like he was going to walk away, but then he got right up in Cassie’s face again. ‘You’re a disgrace, you are,’ he said. ‘Just like your grandfather. You bring shame to this family.’
Cassie went still but he didn’t back down. Even though Cassie was taller than Dad, Dad was much stronger, thick as meat. ‘You’re no longer welcome in this house, you hear me?’ Dad said. ‘You’re filth. Utter filth.’
Dad turned towards the house, hands on his hips, legs spread wide. He looked up at the verandah, where I was crouched in the shadows, and then slowly walked to the back of the truck. He picked up a shovel from the tray, weighed it in his hands. He tapped the blade in the dirt and then swished it in front of him like a sword. He let out a roar from deep inside his guts and charged towards Cassie. He lifted the shovel over his shoulder and swung.
If Dad hadn’t stopped himself, Cassie would have had his head sliced in two, his brain pulped to mash. But Dad threw the shovel into the grass. It clanged like a bell on a rock. He picked up Cassie’s backpack from the ground and threw it at him, and then leaned into the driver’s seat, grabbed the keys from the ignition. The air went dark, silent, like the end of a movie.
Dad appeared at the bottom of the verandah and came up the steps. He stopped before he reached the door, right beside me. I crouched down tighter and tried to disappear into my skin. I was scared, didn’t want to get in the path of anything. I prayed that Dad hadn’t seen me, but before I knew it he’d unwrapped my arms from around my knees and pulled me up.