After the Army had rejected him, Noah had, as reasonably as he could, decided to rearrange his life in as rational and useful a way as possible. He had begun to spend three or four evenings a week in the library, reading blueprints for marine-construction work. Ships, they cried in the newspapers and on the radio, ships and more ships. Well, if he couldn't fight, he could at least build. He had never studied a blueprint in his life, and he had only the vaguest notion of what the processes of welding and riveting were, and, according to all authorities, it took months of intensive training for a man to become proficient at any of those things, but he studied with cold fury, memorizing, reciting to himself, making himself draw plans from memory again and again. He was at home with books and he learned quickly. In another month, he felt, he could go into a shipyard and bluff his way on to the scaffolding and earn his keep.
And in the meantime, there was Hope. He felt a little guilty about planning his private happiness at a time when all his friends were going down into the horrors of war, but his abstinence would not bring Hitler to defeat any sooner, nor would the Emperor of Japan surrender any earlier if he, Noah, remained single – and Hope had been insistent. But she was very fond of her father. He was a devout churchgoer, a hard-bitten Presbyterian elder, rooted stubbornly all his life in this harsh section of the world, and she would not marry without his consent. Oh, God, Noah thought, staring across the aisle at a Marine corporal who was sleeping, sprawled there, with his mouth open and his feet up in the air, Oh, God, why is the world so complicated?
There was a brickyard along the tracks, and a glimpse of one of those tightly-put-together, unpromising white streets with steeples rising at both ends. Then there was Hope, standing on the platform, searching the sliding, frosted windows for his face.
He jumped down from the train before it stopped. He skidded a little on a patch of frozen snow, and nearly dropped the battered imitation-leather bag he was carrying as he fought to hold his balance. An old man who was pushing a trunk said to him testily, "That's ice, young man. Ice. You can't toe-dance on it."
Then Hope hurried up to him. Her face was wan and disturbed. She didn't kiss him. She stopped three feet away from him. "Oh, my, Noah," she said, "you need a shave."
"The water," he said, feeling irritated, "was frozen."
They stood there uncertainly facing each other. Noah looked hastily around to see if she was alone. Two or three other people had got off at the station, but it was early and no one had come to greet them and they were already hurrying off. Apart from the old man with the trunk, Noah and Hope had the station to themselves as the train started to pull out.
It's no good, Noah thought, they've sent her down by herself to break the news.
"Did you have a good trip?" Hope said artificially.
"Very nice," Noah answered. She seemed strange and cold, bundled up in an old mackinaw and a scarf drawn tight over her hair. The northern wind cut across the frozen hills, slicing through his overcoat as though it were the thinnest cotton.
"Well," Noah said, "do we spend Christmas here?"
"Noah…" Hope said softly, her voice trembling with the effort to keep it steady. "Noah, I didn't tell them."
"What?" Noah asked stupidly.
"I didn't tell them. Not anything. Not that you were coming. Not that I wanted to marry you. Not that you're Jewish. Not that you're alive."
Noah swallowed. What a silly, aimless way to spend Christmas, he thought foolishly, looking at the uncelebrating hills.
"That's all right," he said. He didn't know what that meant, but Hope looked so forlorn standing there in her tightly drawn scarf, with her face pinched by the morning cold, that he felt he had to comfort her somehow. "That's perfectly all right," he said, in the tone of a host telling a clumsy guest who has dropped a water glass that no great harm has been done. "Don't worry about it."
"I meant to," Hope said. She spoke so low that he had difficulty understanding her, with the wind snatching at her words. "I tried to. Last night, I was on the point…" She shook her head.
"We came home from church and I thought I would be able to sit down in the kitchen with my father. But my brother came in, he's over from Rutland with his wife and their children, for the holidays. They started to talk about the war, and my brother, he's an idiot anyway, my brother began to say that there were no Jews fighting in the war and they were making all the money, and my father just sat there nodding. I don't know whether he was agreeing or just getting sleepy the way he does at nine o'clock every night, and I just couldn't bring myself…"
"That's all right," Noah kept saying stupidly, "that's perfectly all right." He moved his hands vaguely in their gloves because they were getting numb. I must get breakfast soon, he thought, I want some coffee.
"I can't stay here with you," Hope said. "I've got to get back. Everybody was asleep when I left the house, but they'll probably be up by now, and they'll wonder where I am. I've got to go to church with them, and I'll try to get my father alone after church."
"Of course," Noah said, with lunatic briskness. "Exactly the thing to do."
"There's a hotel across the street." Hope pointed to a three-storey frame building fifty yards away. "You can go in there and get something to eat and freshen up. I'll call for you at eleven o'clock. Is that all right?" she asked anxiously.
"Couldn't be better," Noah said. "I'll shave." He smiled brightly, as though he had just thought of some brilliantly clever notion.
"Oh, Noah, darling…" She came closer to him, and put her hands to his face. "I'm so sorry. I've failed you, I've failed you."
"Nonsense," he said softly, "nonsense." But in his heart he knew she was right. She had failed him. He was surprised more than anything else. She had always been so dependable, she had so much courage, she had always been so frank and candid in everything she did with him. But mixed with the disappointment and the hurt on this cold Christmas morning, he was glad that for once she had failed. He was certain that he had failed her again and again and would, from time to time, fail her in the future. There was a juster balance now between them, and there would be something for which he could always forgive her.
"Don't worry, darling." He smiled at her, grimed and weary.
"I'm sure it will all be fine. I'll wait for you over there." He gestured towards the hotel. "Go to church. And…" he grinned sadly, "pray a couple of prayers for me."
She smiled, near tears, then wheeled and strode away, in her crisp walk that even the heavy overshoes and the uncertain footing underneath could not mar. He watched her disappear round a corner on her way back to the waking house in which her doubtful father and her talkative brother were even now waiting for her. He picked up his bag and made his way across the icy street to the hotel. As he opened the door of the hotel he stopped. Oh, God, he thought, I forgot to wish her Merry Christmas.
It was twelve-thirty before there was a knock on the door of the grey little room with the flaking, painted iron bed and the cracked washstand that Noah had taken for two and a half dollars. That left him three dollars and seventy-five cents to celebrate the holiday with. He had his ticket back to the city, though. He had not counted on having to pay for a room. Still, it was not so bad. Meals, he had discovered, were cheap in Vermont. Breakfast had been only thirty-five cents, with two eggs. He had groaned as he had gone wearily over his finances. Apart from war and love and the savage division between Jew and Gentile which had existed for almost two thousand years until this stony Christmas morning, and the ordinary reluctance of a father to deliver his daughter over to a stranger, there was the weary arithmetic of living through the holiday with less than five dollars in your pocket.