“Maybe,” I said, shrugging and ignoring the table as if it was someone I’d dated.
“But what if I didn’t use it?” she went on, in the voice I recognized as Lissa entering Prime Indecisive Mode. “I mean, it’s only seven bucks, right? And it’s cute. But I probably don’t have room for it, anyway.”
“Probably not,” I said, starting to push the cart again.
She didn’t move, the alarm clock in one hand, fingering the cute plastic pouch the cutlery came in. “It’s really cute, though,” she said. “And it would be better than using takeout stuff all the time. But still, it’s a lot of silverware, I mean it’ll only be me and Delia…”
This time I didn’t say anything. All I could smell were those candles.
“… but maybe we’d have other people in sometimes, you know, for pizza or whatever?” She sighed. “No, forget it, it’s just an impulse thing, I don’t need it.”
I started to push the cart again, and she took a couple of steps. Two, to be exact.
“On the other hand,” she said, then stopped talking. A sigh. Then, “No, forget it-”
“God!” I said, reaching behind me and grabbing the plastic pouch, stuffing it into the cart. “I’ll buy it. Let’s just go, okay?”
She looked at me, wide-eyed. “Do you want it, though? Because I’m not really sure I’ll use it-”
“Yes,” I said loudly. “I want it. I need it. Let’s go.”
“Well, okay,” Lissa said, somewhat uncertainly. “If you really need it.”
Later, when I dropped her off, I told her to make sure she took everything, even the plastic ware. But in typical fashion, she cleaned out every bag from my trunk except one. I promptly forgot about it, that is until a few nights later, when Dexter and I were unloading some groceries he’d bought for the yellow house-peanut butter, bread, orange juice, and Doritos-from my car. He grabbed all his bags, then was about to shut the trunk when he stopped and leaned over.
“What’s this?” he asked, pulling out a white plastic shopping bag, knotted neatly at the top-I’d taught Lissa well-so that its contents wouldn’t spill.
“Nothing,” I said quickly, trying to take it from him.
“Wait, wait,” he said, holding it out of my reach. The peanut butter fell out of one of his other bags, rolling across the yard, but he ignored this, too intrigued by what I didn’t want him to see. “What is it?”
“Something I bought for myself,” I said curtly, grabbing for it again. No luck. He was too tall, and his arms too long.
“Is it a secret?”
“Yes.”
“Really?”
“Yes.”
He shook the bag slightly, listening to the sound it made. “Doesn’t sound secret,” he decided.
“What does secret sound like?” I asked. Idiot. “Give it here.”
“Like tampons,” he told me, shaking it again. “This doesn’t sound like tampons.”
I glared at him, and he handed it over, as if now he didn’t want to find out. He walked across the grass to pick up the peanut butter, wiping it on his shirt-of course-and chucking it back into the bag.
“If you must know,” I said, as if it was absolutely no big deal whatsoever, “it’s just this plastic ware I bought at Linens Etc.”
He thought about this. “Plastic ware.”
“Yes. It was on sale.”
We stood there. From inside the yellow house, I could hear the TV, and someone laughing. Monkey was standing on the other side of the screen door, watching us, his tail going full speed.
“Plastic ware,” he said slowly, “like knives and forks and spoons?”
I brushed a bit of dirt off the back of my car-was that a scratch?-and said casually, “Yeah, I guess. Just the basics, you know.”
“Did you need plastic ware?” he asked.
I shrugged.
“Because,” he went on, and I fought the urge to squirm, “it’s so funny, because I need plastic ware. Badly. ”
“Can we go inside, please?” I asked, slamming the trunk shut. “It’s hot out here.”
He looked at the bag again, then at me. And then, slowly, the smile I knew and dreaded crept across his face. “You bought me plastic ware, ” he said. “Didn’t you?’
“No,” I growled, picking at my license plate.
“You did!” he hooted, laughing out loud. “You bought me some forks. And knives. And spoons. Because-”
“No,” I said loudly.
“-you love me!” He grinned, as if he’d solved the puzzler for all time, as I felt a flush creep across my face. Stupid Lissa. I could have killed her.
“It was on sale,” I told him again, as if this was some kind of an excuse.
“You love me,” he said simply, taking the bag and adding it to the others.
“Only seven bucks,” I added, but he was already walking away, so sure of himself. “It was on clearance, for God’s sake.”
“Love me,” he called out over his shoulder, in a singsong voice. “You. Love. Me.”
I stood there in the front yard, at the bottom of the stairs, feeling for the first time in a long while that things were completely out of my control. How had I let this happen? Years of CDs and sweaters, interchangeable gifts, and now one set of picnic ware and I totally lose the upper hand. It seemed impossible.
Dexter walked up the front steps to the door, Monkey bursting forth and bustling around, sniffing at the bags, until they both went inside and the door slammed shut behind them. Something told me, as I stood there, that I should just turn around, go back to my car, and drive home as fast as possible, then lock every door and window and hunker down to protect my dignity. Or my sanity. So many times it seemed like there were chances to stop things before they started. Or even stop them in midstream. But it was even worse when you knew at that very moment that there was still time to save yourself, and yet you couldn’t even budge.
The door swung open again, and there was Monkey, panting. Above him, dangling past the doorframe from the left, was one hand, fingers gripping a bright blue fork, wiggling it around suggestively, as if it was some kind of signal, spelling out messages in supersecret spy code. What was it saying? What did it mean? Did I even care anymore?
The fork kept wiggling, beckoning. Last chance, I thought.
I sighed out loud, and started up the steps.
There were certain ways to tell that my mother was getting close to finishing a novel. First, she’d start working at all hours, not just her set schedule of noon to four. Then I’d start waking up in the middle of the night to the sound of her typewriter, and look out my window to see the light spilling in long, slanting squares from her study onto the side yard. She’d also start talking to herself as she wrote, under her breath. It wasn’t loud enough to really make out what she was saying, but at times it sounded like there were two people in there, one dictating and one just rushing to get it down, one clackety-clacking line at a time. And finally, the most revealing sign of all, always a dead giveaway: when she hit her stride, and the words came so easily she had to fight to hold them back long enough to get them on the page, she always put on the Beatles, and they sang her to her epilogue.
I was on my way down for breakfast in the middle of July, rubbing my eyes, when I stopped at the top of the stairs and listened. Yep. Paul McCartney, his voice high, something from the early years.
The lizard room door opened behind me and Chris came out, in his work uniform, carrying a few empty jars of baby food, one of the daily diet staples of the lizards. He cocked his head to the side, shutting the door behind him. “Sounds like that album with the Norwegian song on it,” he said.
“Nope,” I told him, starting down the stairs. “It’s that one where they’re all in the window, looking down.”