Things weren’t black and white, but that didn’t mean you couldn’t pick a side.
I shook my head clear and raced along the vine-covered perimeter barricade until I reached the barn. Inside, the horses were restless, stamping their feet and snorting, but no human voices could be heard. I hoped I wasn’t too late, that Chase hadn’t thought I wouldn’t come and returned to the camp. So much had happened since I’d seen him last. It felt like weeks had passed, not just two days.
A ladder stretching to the loft leaned against the siding. Thinking that I might have a better view of the surrounding area from higher ground, I clasped the splintered rungs and hauled myself up. Once I reached the top, I hopped through the opening and was surrounded by the sweet musty smell of hay and horses. The compartment was stacked with bales of straw, and there, already moving toward me, was Chase.
Before I could draw another breath, I was swept up in his arms. My feet lifted off the floor, my arms wound around his neck. He smelled like the rain and felt like home, and I held him just as tightly as he held me, relieved to finally be close to him again.
After too short a time he set me down, but his hands stayed on my waist and my fingers spread over his chest. The splinters of starlight that speared through the cracks in the ceiling softened the strong lines of his face, bringing out his smooth skin and dark, messy hair.
“I didn’t think you were going to be able to shake your new friend,” he said, referring to Rocklin. His lips quirked on one side.
“Sean helped,” I said with a guilty pang. “Speaking of Sean, what did you do to his shoulder?”
His nose scrunched and he looked away. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Never mind. I don’t want to know,” I said. “What about you? Are they watching?”
He shook his head. “Not since Jesse’s been back.”
I felt the scowl pull at my mouth. My conversation with Jesse at the camp reminded me of more pressing issues.
“Another post was attacked—”
“They’re deploying teams—”
Simultaneously, we launched into our hurried reports, then stopped, and waited for the other to speak. When neither of us did, we both smiled.
As if by need his hand lifted, and his knuckles skimmed down my cheek. I closed my eyes, wanting to live forever in that moment but knowing it was impossible.
“Tucker sent another message.”
His hand dropped.
“Okay.” He sat on the hay bale and patted the space beside him. “Sounds like you better go first.”
I told him everything. About the message from Tucker. About my request that Chase and I be the ones to bring him in for questioning, but that DeWitt had chosen Sean instead. About the census reports I’d seen the techs taking in the north wing, and how Three’s mission to attack the Charlotte base was bound to fail because the numbers simply did not work out.
“Slow down,” he said. I hadn’t realized I’d been talking faster and faster, or that I’d risen and begun to pace until he grabbed my hands and stopped me. A light tug, and I was sitting beside him again, watching as he chewed his bottom lip and wound his fingers in and out of mine.
“It doesn’t make sense. They wouldn’t send everyone out if they didn’t think we had a chance.”
“I’m telling you, they are,” I said, the anxiety crawling up my chest. “It’s a suicide mission. DeWitt practically said it. The point is to show the people just what kind of retaliation the MM is capable of.”
“But so many people know that already,” he argued. “All those people in the Square in Knoxville. Everyone who doesn’t pass a home inspection. People aren’t stupid.”
“I know,” I said. “But they’re scared, and they’re not doing anything. They’re just trying to survive day to day. Three wants to get the attention of everyone, even the compliant. They think it’ll start some sort of large-scale uprising I guess.”
Chase was silent for a long time. He lifted our clasped hands and brushed my fingers absently from side to side over his lips. I swallowed, feeling a flash of heat streak down my arm.
“The guy in charge down there—Patch—he hasn’t said anything about that,” he said finally.
“Well why would they?” I jerked my hand away, unable to concentrate while he was distracting me. “They wouldn’t just tell you they’re sending you out to die.”
“I don’t know,” he said. “I think they might. Some of these people … the cause is all they have.” He smoothed his furrowed brows and tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. It seemed impossible for him to go more than a few seconds without touching me. I hadn’t realized it, but I’d already moved closer to him. Our knees brushed, and the toes of my boots came to rest on his.
“It’s going to happen during the chief’s celebration. We’re supposed to wait for a sign,” he said. “We’ll know it when it happens. That’s when we attack the base. Patch is talking like we have a good chance of making a mark.”
It felt like bolts had straightened my spine. “What do you mean we?”
He glanced to the floor. When he spoke again his voice was lower, older, if that was possible. “We’re always talking about doing something, aren’t we? That it isn’t fair how they keep taking everything away. Maybe this is how we get it back.”
“Chase, you’re not listening to me.”
“I’m listening.” He pulled out a fistful of hay from the bale beneath him and twisted it until the dry pieces popped and broke apart. “I know it sounds crazy, but I think I’m supposed to fight.”
I shook my head. I wanted retribution, I wanted to fight back. But not like this. Not when we didn’t even have a chance.
“I don’t understand,” I said. “You hate fighting.” You hate killing.
“But maybe I keep going back to it for a reason.” He scratched his head.
I’m a soldier, Tucker had told me once. If I’m not out there, I’m not anything. The likeness made my stomach hurt.
“Besides, Jesse says fighting’s in our blood.”
“Jesse…” I groaned. “Jesse’s been here five minutes. Don’t you think it’s a little weird that he’s all gung ho when just last week he was hiding out at a safe house?”
Chase frowned. “He was in the army, you know. The real army, before the FBR.”
That wasn’t enough to prove he was a hero in my book, but as always, going up against Chase’s uncle got me nowhere. I floundered, looking for a way to make Chase see reason, but came up blank.
He gave a one-shouldered shrug, looking a little embarrassed. “He fought for something important once. He did great things.”
I took a breath, held it a moment. “He did some things that weren’t so great, too.”
He nodded. “But the good things cancelled out the bad. Or, no…” He focused on a point on the floor and scratched the back of his head. “Nothing cancels out the bad. But doing enough good things can make the bad … less bad.” He made a noise in the back of his throat. “Jesse’s earned his rest in the Spirit World, that’s all I’m trying to say.”
The hay dust was suspended in the air between us, as if time had stopped.
“I don’t know if the bad things ever go away,” I said slowly. “But if they could, I think your slate would be wiped clean. And if there is a Spirit World, I think you’ve earned your rest there, too.”
He looked at me for a long time.
“Not yet,” he finally said.
I looked at my hands that had turned into fists on my lap and watched as he took them and pulled gently, until I was curled up on his lap, my cheek against his neck.
“You’re really going,” I whispered. He kissed the top of my head. Everything inside of me felt stretched, like the handful of straw he’d twisted until it broke apart. “Then I’m coming with you,” I said. It wasn’t like I was going to meet Tucker, and anyway, Chase was more important. Even if I had to sneak out, I would be by his side.