“I must pause to address an objection by our vulgar tobacconists,” Joshua continued, as if reading my mind, “which I frequently hear them make against the harmful qualities I claim are inherent in tobacco. They say that after using it, they do not experience any ills or strong purging of distillations, nor any dulling of the limbs and senses. To those, I would reply that abuse of tobacco has made them insensitive, people without senses. How else could we explain the fact that our licentious smokers squander and expend not only their time, but also their health, money, and mind, in taking these loathsome and harmful fumes? Despite the fact that for now they might look fine, be it thanks to their youth or their strong constitutions, this senseless smoking will suddenly ruin their bodies, poison their stomachs, spoil their digestion, and fill their organisms with harsh and harmful crudities. Besides erroneously redirecting Nature’s activities, they also irritate the lungs, perturb and harm the energies of the soul, spoil the breathing, and destroy the circulatory function of the liver. I am truly astounded at the madness of these people. What is so special about these fumes that could provide such great satisfaction? It’s obviously not the smell, as it is unpleasant, and certainly not the taste, which is acrid and revolting.”
Oh, how Dr. Monardes was looking at him at that moment! His head tilted slightly to the side, he was gazing at him with scathing contempt, half-smiling. His entire expression, his stance unambiguously sent the message: “You are ignorant! You need to educate yourself!” I needed to master that expression, it would certainly come in handy in the future. So I began at that very moment — I tilted my head to the side, smiled slightly, and kept writing down this monstrous nonsense.
“Being overly hot,” Joshua was saying, “tobacco smoke overheats and dries out the liver, interferes with the digestion of meat in the stomach, and casts it out of the stomach undigested when smoked before said meats are absorbed by the body. For similar reasons, some people use tobacco to purge phlegm. But this is a very dangerous and unjustified practice, which causes violent vomiting, chronic illnesses, and feeblemindedness. My experience shows, gentlemen, that a mere drop or two of pure tobacco juice applied to the tongue of a cat induces strong convulsions and even death in less than a minute. It is true that this very same juice, sprinkled on gauze and applied to the teeth, is useful in curing a toothache. However, it should be used only on those who are accustomed to smoking, otherwise strong nausea, vomiting, swooning and so forth will ensue. When droplets of this same juice are sprinkled on a crust of bread and swallowed immediately into the body and the stomach, a quick and agonizing death also ensues, as my experiments with the poor in London have demonstrated.”
“The poor have distressed organisms,” a voice from the audience called. “They suffer from malnutrition, poor digestion, suppressed vital humors, and dullness. That doesn’t prove anything.”
“On the contrary, sir,” Joshua objected. Laughter from the audience followed. “What I mean to say”—he lifted his hand—“is that yes, they suffer from all those things you mentioned, but the cause of their deaths is tobacco and nothing else. If you don’t believe me, I would not object to you subjecting your own self to this experiment, sir.” Silence in the hall. What nerve! — “Among our vulgar tobacconists,” Joshua continued, “there is also another extremely dangerous practice which is founded upon a completely erroneous belief. They believe that the warm tobacco vapors will protect them from the damp and rainy weather. For this reason they frequently, before going out into the damp and windy streets, use tobacco. This is a mistake! You should not go outside immediately after smoking, but should refrain from that for at least half an hour, especially if the season is cold and damp, because as a result of the strong effect of tobacco, the pores of the body are opened, even in its most external and superficial parts, which can lead to unspeakable ills from the sudden entrance of air into them.”
Well, he was right about that. If damp, dirty, and cold air gets into the body, it can cause swelling, mix with the cardinal humors and corrupt them. But after all, isn’t that why people wear clothes, instead of walking the streets naked like Adam and Eve? Yes, for Adam and Eve, tobacco surely would have been harmful for the above-mentioned reason. But not for modern man. Here Joshua’s statement was a typical example of the speculations that contemporary opponents of tobacco make use of to defame it.
In the meantime, Joshua said a few words in closing and retired from the podium. The king got up, probably to give the floor to someone else, but at that moment a striking man with a pipe in his hand stood up in the audience — yes, he held it in front of himself in his left hand, so that all could see it; of course, the pipe was not lit, that would have been an extreme act of impudence, but even this gesture was sufficiently ambiguous and acted as a brave provocation to those slanderers of tobacco.
“Who is that man?” I whispered to Isaac Wake. He, however, clearly due to rancor, did not answer me, but put a finger to his lips in a sign to keep quiet.
“That’s Dr. Cheynell,” the ninny to my other side said, to my surprise. “Second to no doctor on earth in his qualities and knowledge.”
You see, one never knows who’s going to turn out to be useful to him. I nodded in a sign of thanks to the ninny and, quill in hand, once again discretely raised my middle finger, this time aimed at Isaac the Jew. I am sure he noticed it, although he didn’t let on.
“Gentlemen,” Dr. Cheynell began in a loud voice from where he was standing in the audience, “I intend to speak in defense of tobacco’s healing properties by respectfully objecting”—here he bowed—“to our enlightened king, whose duty, after all, is political, rather than medicaclass="underline" he must protect our bodies not from illnesses and contagions, but from our external enemies, to fight not against bacillusae and bacteriae, but rather against hostile armies, who, sword in hand, attack our good nation, and in the fulfillment of this duty our present king is better than any other in the world, he is irreproachable and his deeds serve as a model, may God grant him health and long life, so that he may wisely rule our proud monarchy for many years to come.”
Dr. Cheynell once again bowed, while the public got to its feet and gave a long round of applause. Dr. Monardes was also applauding. We scribes were on our feet and clapping, too. The king stood up and began giving small bows to the audience in various directions, his hand to his breast. When that finally ended, Dr. Cheynell went on: “I also intend to dispute the irresponsible and at times foolish claims of the previous speaker Joshua, whose surname I have forgotten. .”
“Sylvester,” someone called out.
“Perhaps,” replied Dr. Cheynell. “Whose claims, I say, completely contradict the truth and the scientific facts of medicine. It is a mistake and a very dangerous, depraved practice when clergymen take up medicine and make pronouncements about the healing properties of some substance or other. Just as a physician, through his ignorance of complicated theological matters, could in certain circumstances harm and even ruin a believer’s soul if he thoughtlessly undertakes to fulfill the functions of a curate, so, too, could a curate, if he tries to act as a doctor, cause harm and even ruin that body of that same believer or of someone else. For this reason, I would like to begin from a bit farther away,” the learned physician continued. “It seems to me, gentlemen, that we have strayed from that original sacred source of truth, just as Adam and Eve strayed from the Garden of Eden. When tobacco was first introduced to Europe, its discoverer, Dr. Nicolas Monardes, as well as other highly learned physicians, considered it a medicine with almost magical powers and not coincidentally have called it the ‘herba panacea’ and ‘herba santa’ in their works. Because this medicine does indeed possess many of the qualities considered by some as characteristic of the mythical panacea. For this reason, one of our countrymen has called it ‘Divine Tobacco,’ while another of our countrymen has christened it ‘our holy herb nicotine,’ named after the Frenchman Nicot, one of its first discoverers. But how, one might ask, did this ‘herba panacea,’ this magical herb appear in our England? As far as I am aware, this came about thanks to three proud captains from our glorious navy, namely Captain William Middleton, Captain Price, and Captain Koet. They are precisely the ones who, nearly thirty years ago, first smoked tobacco publically in London, and people from all over the city flocked to see them in the small Cheapside Square, where they were standing. We can only guess what their conversation was. Perhaps they spoke of their seafaring exploits? Or of the exotic, faraway lands that unfolded before their eyes? Or perhaps they discussed the quality of the tobacco they were smoking? This we will never know, gentlemen. Which is a great pity, I would add.”