“What is this crossbow shooter’s herb?” I asked.
“The crossbow shooter’s herb is. .” Dr. Bernard began kindly.
“Long story,” Dr. Monardes interrupted him with an impatient wave. “Now’s not the time to explain the pharmacopeia. My disciple will learn that later. Please, go on, señor.”
“He could’ve explained it to me in that time,” I thought to myself, but didn’t say anything.
“Of course, señores,” Dr. Bernard replied. “Most willingly. It is indeed a pleasant and edifying story. Led by your excellent works about tobacco, señor”—Dr. Bernard nodded to Dr. Monardes—“as well as by my own inferences, I reached the conclusion that tobacco would be a wonderful antidote to the herb in question. After all, since it can act as an antidote to so many things and can heal almost every kind of wound by draining the pus out as if with a surgical scalpel or like a superb disinfectant, it makes sense that it could also neutralize the crossbow shooter’s herb. This little debate of ours turned into a major topic of conversation at court for more than a month. All sorts of things can become a major topic of conversation at court. Finally, the king also took an interest in the matter and decided that the dispute should be resolved purely and simply with an experiment. We had planned on just taking some dog — or for greater certainty, two — from the streets of Madrid and conducting the experiment on them, when something happened that changed our plans. I hate to admit it, but Don Felipe has been having troubles with some of his relatives in Vienna lately. Troubles whose essence I cannot go into, but suffice to say that they are with Margaret of Austria.”
“Ugh!” Dr. Monardes wrinkled his nose and waved dismissively.
“Yes, precisely,” Dr. Bernard nodded. “This has distressed the good Don Felipe so much that he decided that we should experiment on the dog given to him as a puppy by Margaret. Namely, Berganza.”
“What bad luck!” I exclaimed.
“Well, it’s not so bad,” replied Dr. Bernard, seeming a bit offended. “Besides, it turns out that Don Felipe had something else in mind, which we did not know then. We conducted the experiment about a month ago, on the morning of May 3rd, in this year of our Lord. In order for it to be completely convincing, and also at the insistence of Duke de Leon, who had taken my side and had wagered his estate in Padritos against Duke de Molina, I could not conduct the procedure on the paws or any other safer place on the body. Duke de Molina had explicitly requested that the incision be made in the throat — only in that case would he bet his hunting park in Extremadura that the dog would die. By the way, it later turned out that due to unpaid debts he had already long owed that park to Señor Espinosa, the trade magnate and your fellow Sevillian. Anyway. After all, almost everyone at court owes something to Señor Espinosa. I made a thin cut in Berganza’s throat — actually much thinner and shorter than the unpleasant scar you see at the moment — but Duke de Molina insisted it be widened for the experiment to be completely convincing and threatened to withdraw from the bet otherwise. Since many of the others in the hunters’ party had also wagered something or other on this experiment, he found strong support. In the end, the party of my adherents also joined them, since otherwise the bet threatened to fall through. So I was forced to make the rather large cut that you now see.”
“Interesting people we’ve got at our court,” said Dr. Monardes.
“Oh, without a doubt,” Dr. Bernard nodded. “After I made the incision, I squeezed a few drops of the crossbow shooter’s herb inside, whereupon Berganza almost immediately began to lose consciousness and stagger, his entire body began to tremble, his legs gave way beneath him. Every second mattered, señores, as you can surely imagine. I quickly continued with the experiment, urged on by the cries of Duke de Leon and members of his party, smearing the wound with tobacco juice and then covering it with finely ground tobacco leaves. This also had a quick effect. At first, Berganza’s condition merely ceased to worsen, but around an hour or so later he began to visibly improve. In the meantime, a heated argument had arisen amongst our courtiers, since Duke de Leon wished to help the dog by lighting a cigar and so filling the air around him with rehabilitating tobacco fumes. Naturally, this would not have been easy, since we were outside, but when you take into account that Duke de Leon’s party was quite numerous and if they all lit cigars simultaneously — which, by the way, they all were categorically ready to do — it could very well have had the desired effect. Of course, Duke de Molina and the hunters objected, Cardinal Gonzalez even gave a long and eloquent speech about why this should not be done, going so far as to cite, to my surprise, two of St. Thomas Aquinas’s theological postulates, which I could also try to recall, if you wish,” Dr. Bernard said, appearing to rub his forehead unconsciously.
“No, no, that doesn’t interest me in the least,” Dr. Monardes replied.
“Very well,” Dr. Bernard continued. “To make a long story short, such a heated argument broke out that some suggested consulting the king. That, however, was impossible, since during those hours of the day Don Felipe is engaged in his long morning prayers, so those present decided to turn to the first minister, Duke de Leca, who in principle did not show any interest in what was going on and who at that moment was working on something in his office. Duke de Leca came in person and said that it was shameful to deny someone’s right to smoke tobacco in Spain whenever and wherever he wished because — now these arguments I remember very well — Spain is tobacco’s discoverer, many who live here owe their prosperity to it, and with an eye to the country’s trade interest, it should even be mandatory, to say nothing of the ‘absurdity’—as he put it — of forbidding anyone from smoking. And to set an example, he personally lit a cigar, followed immediately by Duke de Leon’s party, as well as by myself.”
“Señor de Leca is a smart man. I have always maintained that,” Dr. Monardes nodded.
“Without a doubt, without a doubt,” agreed the royal physician. “I am happy to inform you, señores, that after an hour and a half our Berganza had fully regained consciousness and stood up, albeit with a rather dazed look, and was surrounded by the exultant party of Duke de Leon, whom, incidentally, I was hardly able to restrain, as they all wanted to stroke and pat him and, despite my vigorous objections that now was not the moment for it, to toss him chunks of meat and sweets in their desire to fortify him. Good thing Berganza was tied up and unable to reach these treats; besides, he was still rather weak and did not show any particular interest in food. I assure you, señores, that a whole heap of meat and sweets piled up there.”
“The latter especially could be very harmful to his vision,” Dr. Monardes noted seriously.
“A most pertinent observation,” agreed Dr. Bernard. “In any case, two hours and fifteen minutes after the beginning of the experiment, Berganza looked fully recovered. Before untying him, I insisted that all the food piled up nearby be removed and said that the experiment could not be considered finished until Berganza was untied — an opinion which Duke de Molina heartily seconded. This suggestion of mine, made with a view to the expediency of the moment, later turned out not to be such a good idea, but I mustn’t get ahead of myself. Duke de Leon himself set an example by first beginning to carry away full handfuls of meat and sweets, followed quickly by all of his supporters, hence the pile of food was quickly cleared away. It was obvious that Berganza was already completely fine, he strained mightily at his leash and I didn’t see any reason not to untie him and let him go free to play in the royal gardens. So that’s what I did, and then, señores, he ran away. But something in the way in which he ran away told me that he wouldn’t simply be found somewhere in the royal park. I think Duke de Molina noticed this, too. In any case, he insisted that before the experiment be considered finished, we find the dog and wait until the next morning to be sure that his recovery was not only temporary and that he continued to be alive and well the following day, too. Yet another heated debate arose around this, and since no one dared disturb Duke de Leca again, we decided to wait for Don Felipe to finish with his morning prayers and to consult with him. In the meantime, Duke de Leon’s people swarmed the park searching for Berganza, and Don Felipe unexpectedly appeared of his own accord prematurely, rather peeved, since his prayers had been disturbed by the cries of those searching for the dog. Don Felipe ruled that Duke de Molina was right and that the experiment could be considered finished only after the dog was found and we could make sure that it was alive and well the next morning, too. It goes without saying that the dog was not found. As I came to know later, Duke de Leon’s party secretly gathered in one of his chambers in Escorial that very afternoon, and those present decided to send people out to look for Berganza, especially since they feared that Duke de Molina’s hunters would also send people out to kill Berganza and so prove that they had won the bet, or at the very least nullify it.”