She gets a great meal and doesn’t even touch it, I whisper nodding at the burned girl.
She must have private health insurance.
I’m hungry.
Go ahead and take hers, says Jameelah.
Very funny.
What, are you scared, she says walking over to the other bed.
Hello, she says, your food is getting cold, hello, she repeats waving her hands in front of the burned girl’s face. I can’t help giggling.
Well then, as long as you don’t give a shot, Jameelah says grabbing the tray and sitting back down next to me.
Give me some, I say but Jameelah shakes her head and shoves another delicious looking piece of wurst into her gullet.
You were too scared to take it, so enjoy your diarrhoea.
Come on just a piece of bratwurst.
Man you’re not supposed to eat any solid food with those stitches in your mouth, they’ll pop and then it’ll be a huge mess.
Then mosh up a piece for me.
Mosh for mash, that’s good. But don’t give a shot wasn’t bad either, eh?
Give me a piece.
I’m going to call the nurse if you take any, says Jameelah putting her hand on the red call button next to my bed.
Blackmailer, I say.
The squeaking sound of the food trolley wakes me. A sweet guy in white clothes walks in.
Sorry for the delay, he says picking up a tray with another container of diarrhoea. He looks at me, uncertain.
That’s for her, I say pointing at the burned girl.
Sorry I’m just filling in today, he says putting down a tray with a plate of spaghetti on it next to my bed. With the fork I cut up the spaghetti as small as possible and carefully start to eat it. It doesn’t hurt, or barely hurts, only when the stitches stretch. I go into the bathroom and look in the mirror. I’m slowly starting to look less and less like a Chinese mental patient, more like a hamster with a fat lip, or somebody with two super balls in their mouth who refuses to spit them out. When I return to the room Nico is sitting on my bed.
Hi cutie, he says.
I can feel my face flush with happiness.
Don’t say anything, I say, I already know that I look like a Chinese mental patient.
Why Chinese?
That’s what Jessi said because the swelling went all the way up to my eyes. But it’s a bit better now.
Nico stands up.
Are you allowed to be kissed, he asks and kisses me on the mouth before waiting for an answer.
Careful, I say, everything’s still swollen.
I’m being careful, he says and kisses me again.
Do you have any smokes, I ask.
Are you allowed to smoke already?
Don’t give me that.
He hands me a cigarette begrudgingly.
We go downstairs and out to the park. The cigarette gives me a rush and my eyes go black for a second but I like it when you get dizzy from smoking, the curtain comes down, the curtain goes back up again and in a few seconds it’s all over, like a passing cloud casting a shadow.
I wanted to come yesterday, says Nico, but I wasn’t sure when the visiting hours were, whether it was too late to stop by in the evening.
No problem, I say taking a drag.
So are you bored?
I shake my head.
Somebody died here today.
Crazy.
Yeah but luckily I didn’t see anything, I say, I just heard about it. Morbid. Have you ever seen a dead person?
Just my grandmother, says Nico.
And?
Wasn’t so bad. It was sad, but not disgusting. She was really old.
Death is weird, I say, don’t you think?
Yeah, says Nico, but at the end of the day death is something totally normal.
I don’t know, I say, that’s sounds like bullshit.
Why, says Nico, death is part of life.
See, that’s the same kind of bullshit. Everybody says shit like that. People talk about death like they talk about the weather but only because they’re scared shitless about it. That doesn’t fly with me.
Nico thinks for a minute.
But we all have to die sooner or later.
I ram my elbow into his ribs.
Yet another cliché.
Well there you go, in that case I’ll get in bed with you right now, says Nico grabbing my legs and slinging me over his shoulder. I squeal. Hanging upside-down on Nico’s back I see a nurse coming across the park toward us.
Visiting hours are over, she says tapping on her watch and looking at us sternly.
I was just about to leave, says Nico.
You were not, I say when the nurse leaves again.
What?
Leaving.
No?
No, I say taking his hand. Like thieves we slink through the park to the entrance and then up the stairs one floor after the next. I cautiously open the door to my room and pull Nico to the bed.
You’re crazy, he whispers nodding at the burned girl, what about her?
We’ll have to be quiet, I say and kiss him. We creep our way to the bed, kissing like our mouths are fused together, it’s nice but my cheeks hurt. I realize I’m dead tired but then I hear the clink of Nico’s belt and in the next instant his baggy trousers fall to his knees.
Carefully, as if it would make noise, Nico takes my t-shirt off, I don’t have a bra on so I quickly get under the covers even though it’s almost dark outside and it’s dark in the room already. His hard-on is sticking to my thigh.
Sorry, says Nico.
It’s okay, I say pulling down his boxers and then my underwear which rolls up as I push it down my legs, that would normally never happen, it’s just because I’m rushing, and why really, I wonder, and then as if Nico can read my thoughts he lies down next to me all calm and looks at me.
Don’t say anything like are you sure you really want this, I whisper.
I wasn’t going to say that, Nico whispers back.
I stand up, grab my wallet and disappear into the bathroom and rummage around for the condom that I’ve been carrying around all this time for just this moment, the same way other people carry a treasured family photo in their wallet all the time. All the condoms Jameelah and I have ripped open, at first by ourselves in her room and then taking them to the bathroom to fill with water and dropping them on people from the window, then later unrolling condoms over cucumbers and Barbie dolls, and then all the stuff on Kurfürsten started. I look at the expiration date and then toss the condom in the toilet. Even if it wasn’t already expired, I think, condoms are for kids and hookers and I’m neither one of those.
I creep back into bed with Nico. I lie down on my back so Nico can get on top of me, I don’t think we’re going to try it any other way on our first time.
Quietly, I whisper before he starts.
This time I’m aware of everything because I’m not as fucked up as last time. This time it hurts bad, like getting poked but at the same time also like when you pinch yourself in a door or something. The purple spiral staircase is there again, I forgot to ask Jameelah why I see that when I sleep with someone. Maybe it’s the staircase that leads out of childhood. The real world is up there, or the fake one, or the rotten one, it hurts in any event. Without wanting to, I bite down and press my teeth together and the pain from below mixes with the pain in my mouth, somehow it’s nice though, no idea why, it sounds stupid but it’s true. Maybe it’s the kind of pain Rainer’s always gabbing on about when he shows us his pitiful tattoo for the hundredth time, and I have to think of the guy in the wheelchair and what he said about violence, only now do I really understand what it was he was trying to tell us. The guy in the wheelchair is right. Violence isn’t about the pain itself but the intent to cause pain, it’s when somebody wants to inflict pain on you. The guy in the wheelchair wasn’t so stupid after all, and the fact that he wasn’t so stupid is a comforting thought to me.
I bleed, this time I bleed so much that I completely mess up the sheets. Nico is appalled.