She’s breathing faster now and I can hear the panic in her voice. “Yeah. You got knocked back home.”
Not home. Not right away at least. If I wasn’t here and I wasn’t there, where was I, passed out in the garage for twenty-two hours?
Over the next fifteen minutes, I talk nonstop, telling Anna about everything that happened last week—the news story and me on my skateboard, the two little girls and my dad on sidekick duty—and that I have no idea where I was for nearly a full day, and how I’ve spent the last five days trying to get back to her. Her face contorts when I tell her how painful the returns have become, and how they got progressively worse and a hell of a lot bloodier.
“It’ll be fine now.” I put on my best smile and hope I sound reassuring. “I’ll just go back to doing what I’ve always done. Apparently, as long as I use this ridiculous thing I can do for my own selfish purposes, I’m free to come and go as I please,” I say.
Anna takes my face in her hands and makes me look her in the eye. “You have to promise me. No more do-overs, okay? Never.”
I nod. “Yeah, I’m pretty sure that’s the message I’m supposed to be getting here.” I let out a laugh, but Anna doesn’t join in.
“Promise,” she says.
“Yeah. I promise.” As I say the words, I wonder why it’s so easy to make this promise to her when I can’t make it to my own parents.
I sigh. “Well, at least my mom and dad can now agree on one thing. They’ve both made it crystal clear that I’m not to travel ever again.”
“Not even to see me?” she asks, and I stop laughing.
“No…well. Yes. Not exactly.”
Anna drops her hands and leans away from me. “What does that mean, ‘not exactly’? Did they tell you that you couldn’t come back here anymore?”
I look down at the dirt. “Actually, they did. But that was five months ago.”
She waits for me to explain, but I have no idea what to say next. This conversation was inevitable, and there have been plenty of times I walked through it in my head, but having it today was the farthest thing from my mind.
“My parents don’t…exactly…know about you.” I suck in a deep breath and wait while she stares at me for a painfully long time.
“They don’t know about me?” I can’t tell if she wants to cry or punch me. I shake my head no and Anna’s eyes narrow in disbelief. “What about your sister?”
“Brooke knows,” I whisper.
“Brooke?” Anna’s voice cracks as she says her name, and there’s a questioning tone at the end, like she can’t believe that there’s only one person in my world who knows she exists.
“Listen, please. My parents wouldn’t understand. And I can’t tell my friends…I mean, what am I supposed to tell them?”
“Tell them that I live in Illinois. Just like my friends think you’re a normal guy from San Francisco.” She scoots away from me, looking both confused and disgusted at the same time. “You don’t have to tell them I live in nineteen ninety-five.” She says that last part so quietly that I have to strain to hear her. But then she finds her voice again. “Look, I know you have a thing for secrets, but I thought we were done with that.”
“We are. I don’t have any secrets from you.”
“No, just that I am one.” She lets out a sarcastic-sounding breath.
She looks down at the dining hall windows, and this time, I’m sure she’s wondering why she ever entertained the idea of letting complicated me into her rather uncomplicated life.
“Look,” I say, “last June, when I was stuck in San Francisco and couldn’t get back here, I thought I’d never see you again. I didn’t know what to say to my parents or my friends.”
Anna gives me a hard look and shakes her head. “Everyone in my life knows about you, even though they don’t know your big secret.” She says the last part sarcastically, wiggling her fingers in front of her face for emphasis. “Nobody here gets it. None of them understand why I’m in a relationship with a guy who lives two thousand miles away—and they don’t even know the half of it.” She huffs. “But they know about you.
“I could never keep you to myself.” She says the last part quietly, but loud enough for me to hear.
I rub my forehead with my fingertips as I try to find the right words. “I didn’t want to hurt you. And, I swear, I was going to tell them eventually, but it was just…easier not to.”
Her head snaps up and there’s that look again. “Easier?” she asks. Now I’m pretty sure she’s about to punch me.
“Not more convenient. Easier.” I bring my hand to my chest. “On me. Look, you seem to enjoy torturing yourself with photo albums and things that remind you of the two of us, but I don’t. That only makes it worse. It’s easier for me to pretend you’re not real when we’re not together.”
A tear slides down her cheek and she quickly brushes it away.
I reach for her hands, and I’m a little surprised when she lets me take them. “Do you have any idea how much I hate being there without you? When I’m supposed to be doing homework, I go for drives instead. I take the top down on the Jeep and turn up the music and cruise around the city I’ve always loved, and all I want to do is show it to you. I want to bring you to my favorite café in North Beach, where they serve lattes in bowls instead of mugs. I want to show you this wave organ that’s built into a bunch of rocks and has an insane view of Alcatraz. I want to bring you to my school and introduce you to Sam and the rest of my friends, so you’ll know them the same way I know Emma and Danielle and Justin. But I can’t ever do that.” She squeezes my hand. “We’ve already tried and it was a disaster. I guess I figured, the less I had to be reminded that you couldn’t be there, the easier it would be.”
Anna releases my hands so she can wipe the tears from her cheeks.
“Look,” I say. “All I want is a normal relationship with you, and when I’m here, it feels like I have it. But when I’m there…I just miss you. All the time.”
She grabs one of my hands in both of hers and squeezes it tight.
“I’ll tell them about you, okay? I’ll show my mom and dad your photo album, and I’ll tell them everything. And I’ll explain that I’m done with do-overs—that they’re the only reason I’ve lost control—but that I need to keep coming back here to see you. Okay? I promise.”
The bell rings but neither one of us move. Eventually the dining hall below starts filling with people, and I spot everyone taking their usual places and their usual tables and starting in on their usual conversations.
“Great,” Anna mutters, watching the scene below.
“What?”
“Ten bucks says Alex has already told everyone about seeing you here.” She stands up and brushes the dirt off her jeans. “This should make for a delightful lunch.”
“Do you want me to stick around?” I ask.
Anna offers her hand to help me up and I take it. Then she looks at me and lets out a heavy sigh. “It’s okay. I’ve got it.” We start walking down the hill and she threads her arm through mine. “But I’ll tell you, next time you’re in town you better bring me a giant bouquet of flowers or something. If you show up empty-handed my parents might come up with something more painful than being knocked back to San Francisco.”
“That bad?”
“Yup.”
“I didn’t get to see you in the dress.”
She lifts two fingers into the air. “Twice now.”
I wince. “Were you actually wearing it this time?”