She didn’t make any attempt to move for a moment, and just looked at me before finally saying something.
“You’re ... you’ll be Okay, right?” Her body language was the perfect picture of insecurity, and I had no clue why.
“Course I will. Why wouldn’t I be?”
“What you said to Jack today.” Her voice was quieter than usual, but her breathing became irregular. “That you didn’t plan ahead anymore. You weren’t really saying that a broken hand wouldn’t have bothered you with all the other injuries, were you? You were ... you didn’t think you’d get out of that fight alive.”
“Yes. So?” My answer came as a matter of fact statement, but that only seemed to agitate her even more.
“You said you never thought about hurting yourself!” She was no longer quiet about it, despite my intention to not upset her further.
“Ava, there’s a difference between hurting myself and what happened back then.”
“Danny was right!” Now she was almost frantic and it seemed like she hadn’t heard what I said at all, which astonished me. “You should have run away when that man reached for his gun, but you started a fight KNOWING you could get killed! How is that any different!? Oh God, what have I done!?”
That last part came out as a wail of sorrow while her quaking hand covered her mouth. This had escalated rapidly. As she stared into space as if searching her memories, thick tears started rolling down her face and her body was now rocking with sobs, causing her to fall to her knees in front of me.
“Jesus, calm down!” I called out. “I’m not actively looking for ways to end my life, Ava! I’m not suicidal! I just don’t value my life that much. That’s the difference.”
“No! I did this! I caused my little brother to...!” she violently shook her head and continued to cry, as the full impact of her actions seemed to suddenly come crashing down on her. Then moved closer to me to clasp both of my hands in hers. “This is all my fault! I’m sorry, Tim! I’m so sorry! This is not what I wanted. I swear this isn’t what I wanted!”
She was positively inconsolable. And, to my surprise, it annoyed me.
How dare she now act like this? Yes, she caused this, there was no question about it, but she never cared before despite all the signs of my depression being there. I remembered the day of my fight with Jack Miller, when she came to my room and saw how empty it was. Back then, she clearly noticed that something was wrong, though she was still too caught up in her own crap to act on it.
It took quite a while, with her crying into my lap, before she finally calmed down enough to at least form coherent sentences again.
“I’m so sorry, little brother. I never thought ... I never realized how... “ she pleaded, but I felt my annoyance turn into anger.
“Are you for real? You NEVER noticed!? You should know fucking well how my life’s been going. Not only did you have a front row seat, I also told you all on Thanksgiving. The shit Aaron just pulled proves that it won’t change either. If I had my way, I’d pack my shit and ask Bill for a transfer as soon as I turned eighteen, but I have to keep going to that shithole you call a school because I promised Tess I would.” Mentioning Tess caused me to calm down some. Otherwise I would have launched into a long tirade.
“You want to leave town?” I thought she sounded a little scared now, though I couldn’t understand why. “But ... You got your own place here.”
“Ava, I got this place thinking Tess and I would live here together when she comes back. Instead ... I lost her just a few weeks before that fight in the parking lot. Coming home to this empty apartment is just a daily reminder of what I could’ve had.” I shook my head, dismissing her point.
“But ... you don’t have to be alone. I mean ... I’m sure you could, like, find someone else!” I could hear that she was grasping at straws.
“And how do you suppose I go about that task, hm? You heard what your friends thought about me when they saw me sitting in the gym for your cheer practice. That goes for pretty much every girl in school. And even if I found someone that wasn’t already influenced by your captivating tales about my micropenis...” she flinched at that. “ ... I don’t think they’re too eager to date a guy who can’t go to parties with them because he’s working seventy fucking hours a week to get through school while paying the bills. And then still can’t take them out on dates on the one day a week he’s free, because his family keeps emptying his fucking bank account.” I let out a resigning sigh. “That’s what I have to look forward to for the next two years. When I’m done with school, get your parents removed from my finances, and only have to worry about work, then I’ll have time for other things. Most of the people giving me shit right now will then go off to college, so I won’t have to deal with them either. But until then, I’ll just have to live with how it is.”
What followed was a long pause with neither of us talking. Ava seemed to be thinking about what I told her, and looking for ways to make my life seem like less of the clusterfuck they really turned it into, but ultimately came up short.
“I’m so sorry, Tim” To my even greater astonishment, she sounded honest. Until now, I thought she was scared of the consequences waiting for herself. Like, what people would think of her if something happened to me and people found out about her part in that. But, at that moment, there was genuine regret in her voice. “I’m sorry for what I did to you. I’m sorry for being such a bitch for so long. You are my brother and I do love you! I don’t want you to die! I swear I’ll do better.”
“I told you before, I don’t care about your apologies anymore. Losing Tess was hard, but I came to terms with it. I’ll manage. Now, if you could please check on our dinner, lasagna tastes only half as good if the cheese doesn’t have color.”
She reluctantly nodded and left the room. I sat in my chair and, like so many times before, mulled over my options.
Looking at things soberly, I really only had to get through the next five months while keeping the family off my back. My rent was paid six months in advance, so, as long as I didn’t miss any payments until six months before my eighteenth birthday, I was safe. And what did I even care about my school life being crap? I was working too much to make friends with people from school anyway. My bank account would fill up again, especially when I could earnestly start using that cash in my closet. And for the moment, I had other things to take care of.
About fifteen minutes after telling Ava to leave my room, I joined her in the kitchen. For some reason, she had switched clothes, and what she was wearing now showed off her assets in a spectacular way. It was like she had taken a lesson from Nora’s playbook, since she didn’t look slutty in any way, but still made it known that she was not wearing underwear. It was hard not to admire her figure.
She had also set up the living room while I was trying to calm down, so that we could eat while watching a movie like we did the day before. The only difference to the previous evening was that she wanted me to choose the movie, and, looking at the weather outside, I decided to introduce Ava to the joy that is called Bill Murray and put on Groundhog Day.
Once we had taken our seats on the couch, she grabbed her plate, folded her legs underneath herself on the seat to my right, and leaned into me before taking hold of her fork.
“Mmmohmygod, Tim!” she moaned after taking her first bite, closing her eyes in gusto. “This is even better than Mom’s!”