The truth is, I made a lot of mistakes raising your brother from the very start. He was my first child, so I was constantly scared. Being the little sister myself, I never experienced taking care of someone before I was suddenly a mother responsible for a little life. It was overwhelming.
I relied a lot on your father. With Logan being his first born son, Aaron knew exactly what he wanted your brother to be when he grew up, and how to get him there. When your sister came along, I was a little more experienced, a little more self-confident, and I had found some kind of routine in dealing with nightmares and feeding times. Just like Aaron knew how to take care of his son, I immediately knew how to take care of my daughter. I’m sorry to say, when you came along, it was purely routine, and with the three of you born so close to each other, I was tired.
While I nursed your brother for as long as I could get away with, you were put on formula when you were four weeks old. While I got your brother every piece of clothing he could possibly wish for, you were there when he grew out of them. While I ran to the hospital every time Logan had a slight cold, I had learned how to almost sleep through your crying by the time you got your first colic. And I chose to trust that your father would do for his second son what he was already doing for his first son.
I was told that these things are perfectly normal, and that I shouldn’t blame myself for those early times of neglect. But I know now that it fed into what ultimately destroyed your love for me. As weird as it sounds, it somehow caused me to think of you as more independent.
When you were fine despite me putting in so much less effort, I grew complacent and concentrated even more on Logan. At that time, I had failed to understand that you weren’t fine despite my lack of attention, but that Logan was fine despite me being overbearing.
That escalated when the Time for Logan’s initiation into the family drew closer.
I knew I had to keep a closer eye on him and Ava. With your sister so close behind him, Logan would be dying to let her in on the secret. That’s how it was with John and me, so I was prepared to take special precautions. But somehow, I never made the connection that your birthday was just as close to Ava’s, as Ava’s birthday was to Logan’s. In my mind, while Ava’s initiation was directly tied into Logan’s, your’s was still more than two years away, so I didn’t have to think about it. By the time I did have to think about it, we had drifted so far apart that I no longer knew how to even approach you about it.
Your father was a big proponent for the notion of Men raising Men, and Women raising Women. So, I relied on him to take care of our sons so I could care for our daughter.
I failed to realize that, while I was making the extra effort so your sister wouldn’t feel like “the Middle Child”, Aaron was fully consumed with his first born Son, and you got left behind.
I failed to see that, when you started to distance yourself from us, it wasn’t because you were independent, but because we had hurt you so much you didn’t want to be around us anymore. For us, calling you by that name was just harmless ribbing. Had I made the effort to actually spend some - any - time with you, I might have seen how much damage we were causing.
I failed to understand that, while my own father had taught John to stand up for himself, it was wrong of your father to demand the same of you when you started coming home beaten and bruised. Never in my life would I have thought that it was your own siblings who cultivated that abuse, and that I was facilitating it.
I failed to comprehend the full meaning of that fight you had in school, when you finally stood up to your tormentors. When I thought about how far you had to go to defend yourself, I understood how bad the bullying must have been. But instead of realizing that we shouldn’t have left you alone with this, I made the worst mistake of them all. I decided that you were not just more independent than your siblings, but that you were able to fend for yourself.
You started earning your own money, and, while your siblings were still completely dependent on us, you stopped asking for allowances, special snacks, or expensive clothes. Instead of wondering if it was healthy for a fifteen year old boy to take care of himself, I used it as an excuse to drift even further away from you, and enjoy the pleasures I shared with your siblings.
Please know that I am not trying to make excuses for anything I did. I know it was wrong, I know I was stupid, and I know I hurt you. I just need you to know how it happened.
The day you came home on your sixteenth birthday, to find us celebrating by ourselves because we all had forgotten about your special day, it all came crashing down on me. I had already lost that special connection a mother should have with her child. I couldn’t even begin to tell you how disappointed my Mother was with me. But the truth is, when she told me to fix our relationship, I simply didn’t know how anymore. Instead of pulling myself together and working to regain your love, I chose to bunker down, stick my head in the sand, and let things go on like I was used to.
The day you risked your life to protect us from those three men, I thought my world would end. I finally found the courage to make an effort, but by then it was too late. Whatever relationship we might have had, I had allowed it to completely wither away.
And finally, I need to apologize for the worst I did. Even today, after spending weeks talking it over with Danny, I still can’t fathom how I could become so distant from my own Child that I wouldn’t notice the pain in his eyes while he grieved over the loss of the woman he loved. I will never forgive myself for letting you experience that pain all by yourself. I will never forgive myself for letting you feel so alone. I will never forgive myself for pushing you so far, that you almost lost the will to live yourself, and I still didn’t see the warning signs. That alone has proven to me that I was a miserable excuse for a mother.
I have to confess that Danny told me about the night you two spent in the living room after your panic attack. Hearing about your continued suffering, that I caused, hurt already. But it was something else that broke me. It was when you told her that the best part about the night you spent with me wasn’t the sex, but the way I held you afterwards. It was that moment when I finally grasped how much I took from you, how you were forced to grow up way too early, and I broke down on the spot.
The next time I saw you, you were dropping Ava off at our house so Danny could prepare her for the interview with the social worker. Seeing you in the car, ready to pull away again, I had to hold on to the porch-railing to stop myself from pulling you out of that car and forcing you to accept my love. But I knew it was wrong, because I knew it was my own fault that I would have to force you in the first place.
I know there is probably no chance for you to ever forgive me. I neglected you. I hurt you. I pushed you out of our lives. And I justified all of it by telling myself that Aaron would know better how to care for a boy. But I am your mother, and I should have remembered what that means. I should have remembered that you needed a mother, just as much as Logan and Ava needed me. You didn’t deserve any of it. I am sorry for all of it.
You are my youngest Child, my Baby, and I will always love you. Even if you never want to have me around again, I will love you from afar. But if you ever find it in your heart to award me a place in your life, I swear to be there for you.
I know that you can’t trust me anymore. Or any of us, for that matter. The fact that you had to work through Christmas, while we enjoyed the Holidays spending your money, proved that. So, attached to this letter, you will find a bank statement from your grandparents. They established a College Fund so, while I know that this is merely a first small step in trying to prove our sincerity, you can at least be sure that we are not trying to get close to you to secure Logan’s or Ava’s tuition.