“When you wake up, how do you feel?”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, if it makes you check on us, do you feel like something’s wrong? Or something might happen?”
“Yes.”
“And how are you physically when that happens? How does your body feel?”
I thought about that a little before I answered.
“Like ... when the fight with those guys in the parking lot started. Like that.”
“You mean ... heart palpitations?” I nodded. “Heavy breathing?” I nodded again. “Body trembling, hands shaking?” I wanted to shake my head, but she was spot on. “Do you always get a drink when that happens?”
“No. Usually, I just make my rounds and get better once I arrive in the basement.” I ignored the sight of her raising her eyebrow when I used the word ‘Usually’, indirectly admitting how regularly it was happening. “But today was just ... it didn’t go away until I understood that John was missing and called him. By then, I had already tried the drink.”
“You do realize, this sounds like you’re waking up with panic attacks?” she asked matter of fact. I just stared at her for a moment.
“No, it doesn’t.”
“What do you think it is, then?” she asked patiently.
“I don’t know, pick something else. I don’t do ‘panic attacks’! Why would I!? I don’t clamp up like Aaron, or run away like Logan! I deal with it when shit happens. And why the hell would I get hysterical now, when it’s over and solved!?”
I heard her let out a heavy sigh after I finished.
“I should’ve expected that response, after you spent so much time with Bill and his boys...” she mumbled to herself before continuing louder while looking directly into my eyes. “You’re not ‘hysterical’, Tim. The last two weeks were a lot more than just ‘a little stressful’! You almost died when you were stabbed. The entire two weeks since then were spent worrying and staying awake for days in a row. To protect us, you went against very dangerous people. And finally, when it was supposed to be over, you got assaulted again and found yourself thrown into yet another life-and-death situation! That takes a toll. It accumulates. And it’s especially too much for a seventeen-year-old.”
“But it IS over now.” I protested, failing to control the volume of my voice. She surprised me by taking my hand before answering.
“No, it’s not. Not for your body, at least. You’re still hurting. Your ribs, your side, your arms ... I think, when you agitate your wounds by moving in your sleep, the sudden pain sends your brain right back into the fight-or-flight state you basically maintained over weeks now. When did it start getting so bad?”
I sure as shit was not going to tell this woman that it got really bad just after I got back from Austin. Which, coincidentally, was also when they all moved to the supposed hotel and left me alone in the house. That would just give her ammunition to stop me from going back home. Instead, I deflected.
“Well ... that certainly sounds better than a panic attack. How’s Ava, by the way?” It gave her pause for a second.
“I thought you didn’t care?” She and Claire had apparently talked after I went to sleep.
“I said that when you, Maggie, and Granny were looking after her. But seeing how you and Maggie opted to sleep with her instead of going home with John ... maybe it was more serious than I thought. Unless, of course, it wasn’t because she needed emotional support, and you instead just continued the fun you all had over the last week.”
“Tim! We would never do that!” She genuinely sounded hurt.
“You wouldn’t? You all spent my last two birthdays having lovely get-togethers, while I was at work. Remember what you were doing that Thanksgiving, when you all had finally realized that it was my birthday? If memory serves, Aaron and Grandpa were spitroasting Ava, and your daughter was blowing Logan, while you were discussing how and why our relationship had turned to shit. While I was risking my life, taking out those guys, you were in the mood to have at least a foursome. And now you tell me, you’d never do something like that?”
I was neither shouting, nor was my tone sounding angry. I was calmly pointing out why she was talking bullshit. After everything that happened that night, I was past angry. Though, I wondered if she picked up on the little part about Ava being spitroasted on Thanksgiving. They now knew that I knew about the family orgies for a while, but that was a detail I had no way of knowing.
“I already said I’m sorry, Tim. And I meant it when I said I’ll do better. What happened with Logan while you were out there putting your life on the line ... That’s one of the things I talked about just now. One of the things we need to change.”
“Please explain.” I said with great interest, causing her to, once again, look at me in great shame.
“Tim, we did not do that out of disrespect to you, or because we didn’t appreciate what you were doing for us. We did that because we were worried about you.”
“I’m not following.”
“I’m afraid we’ve all grown a little too ... accustomed to sex. John disagrees with me on that one, but it isn’t anywhere near as meaningful as it once was. It became something we simply do to feel good. That day, we were all stressed out of our minds. We tried calling you a dozen times throughout the night, and every time you didn’t answer, it got worse. We could always use sex to ease that tension.” she finished in a quiet voice.
I groaned, “Please tell me that you realize how much of a ‘Fuck you’ that is to me.”
“Yes. I do now.” she said in an even smaller voice. “At the time though ... When your Mom and Susy saw Logan after those men roughed him up, they wanted him to feel better. Aaron argued that we can’t hold it against him if he told those men about you, because he was scared. If either of us were in a similar situation, we would probably also say whatever we thought would get us out of it. And he was right. I would have done the same. It ... made sense.”
As she told me that, my eyes widened in disbelief. These fucking assholes had used Bill’s words, that he used to keep me focused on my task instead of my hatred for Logan, to justify their Golden Boy’s betrayal of his own brother!
I also realized something else. After what happened during the week before my trip to Austin, I had hoped that they would finally come around and acknowledge me as part of their family. Ava had displayed her willingness when I woke up next to her, Granny had come on to me in a similar situation, and Claire had actually slept with me. Now, however, after learning how mundane and meaningless these activities were for them ... this was obviously not what I had secretly hoped for.
“Tim.” her voice pulled me out of my thoughts, accompanied by the feeling of her holding my hand. “Please believe me. I’m really sorry.”
I sighed.
“I do. You did not pull any punches when it came to your involvement and your motivation for it. And your apology is the only reason I’m talking to you in the first place. It was the first time any of you even tried to apologize. I appreciate it, though it’s still too late. Too much happened that I won’t be able to forget.”
“Tim, don’t say that.” she pleaded, “I talked to Claire after you went to sleep. You know, she and Aaron noticed how you never say it back anymore when they tell you they love you. And, believe it or not, it hurts them a lot when they see how much damage they caused. They realize how much they hurt you. I told them we need to take this slow, respect your pace, and take what you offer, but I think it’s...”