Tirza

'and if there is something happened?'

'and if there is something has happened, then you are now too late, Jörgen. If they by ten negroid is raped and murdered, than it doesn't matter whether you take the plane or a week later'.

They squeeze in his arm as if that her words.

Ship's steward is quiet. Its arguments are convincing and yet they can not calm him. He has the evocative feeling that they themselves do not completely by its own arguments convinced. He must be there. Peace of mind is that not what counts as the epilogue of your life is started? He must for his own peace of mind. And for those of the spouse.

'Let's play,' he says soft.

'What than, what would you like to play again now?'

'as before.'

'What we played in the past?'

He takes a deep breath. He must concentrate. Who wants peace of mind, should first and foremost create order in the head.

'De living room was the Vondelpark.'

'Yes, yes," she says, 'i know.'

'You was the girl on bike. It was night. Everywhere was the night.'

'Can I further recall.'

'And I was the rapist with the knife.'

'But Jörgen…' They purr about his hair. 'We played when we were in love. It was a fun game. Now is not a fun game. Now it is a sad game. We must not play. That is not good.'

He picks up its pulse. 'Let's play one more time,' he says, 'one more time. Let us do as if it is earlier.'

'Dat does not.'

'Why not?'

'It is not earlier. It is now. It is summer. You are discharged, at least not really redundancies, removed, that is what you are, on non-active. You are unusable, you yourself said to me, and I think you always was unusable. You may in your hands that they are squeezing the rear voile. And Tirza is in Africa and we hear nothing from her, I am… I am someone who can no longer. That is why I am here. What should we play? For whom?'

He loves her wrist more firmly. 'One More,' he says, 'for i go to Africa. As in the past. Please.'

On non-active. The words in his head. That is the so that is what they have done with him. It feels like it is only now up to him by calls.

'Please call first for you to nou long journeys.'

'Met whom?'

'Met the Dutch embassy in Namibia for example, perhaps they know something.'

He let her, they get out of bed, she pulls the curtains open.

'If something has happened, they know it,' she whispers, 'but I am almost certain that they just want somewhere in the desert or the jungle. That they are happy. It is Africa, have you do not go anywhere telephone cells.'

She turns around. 'Well," she says, 'well. We play one more time.'

He comes to her. She picks him in his neck. He puts his hands on her shoulder. 'but only because we are broken, Jörgen," she says, 'the only reason. Remember.'

In the afternoon he receives the Dutch embassy in Windhoek. They have heard nothing of an accident or a crime, so everything will be in order. The man on the phone says that he is not worried. The public telephones in Namibia working with maps and that are not widely available. Certainly not in the desert.

Almost literally gives a ship's steward the by the wife.

They live as if nothing has happened, no houseboat, no departure, no return, no final exam celebration. They live as on a float boat that loss making. Waiting for wind them in a certain direction will push.

Each morning a ship's steward to Schiphol and leaves although the wife there a few times something of said, calls they do not meet that he should stop that idiotic fuss. He has explained to her that he is really the house, that he would otherwise be crazy. That is why he departs in the morning with his briefcase and he runs by the departure and arrivals hall and browse the in-between in manuscript of the author in Azerbaijan. In order not to be crazy.

Spacious two weeks after he has Tirza taken away, says the wife in the evenings in the garden: 'Maybe we should call one more time?'

'Met whom?'

'Met the embassy in Windhoek. Perhaps cease the public transport there and they sit somewhere. Or there is a sand storm. About Namibia read you will never do anything in the newspaper, have you ever read something about?'

He is on his garden chair and begins to polar bears. 'What can i say?' he asks. "Sorry, but cease the public transport with you? There is a sand storm? Who says that the embassy to draw up reports on each miniscule zandstormpje? They explained to me mad. In addition they can naturally only lifts, learn to know me that color performances. We are talking about Africa. Not on the Alsace, or the Austrian Alps. And I have already used the embassy called. We know that they are going to continue to.'

'sit. It helps nothing when you as defeats. Since it is not better.'

He gets into a scale with nuts which the wife next to its seat. It is a nice evening. Hot and not too humid.

'call you,' he says. 'call you. Or else I go there. Perhaps I should just get there. This does not make any sense. This waiting here. This wrangling. This wait. The panic nothing likely.'

It is a time, they bending the nuts from the container to collect his cases.

'Yes,' says they as they are ready, 'maybe you there.'

'What do you mean?'

He is of his piece.

'As I am doing.' She eats the nuts that have fallen on the ground. 'Maybe you there. What can we do?'

The garden chairs on which they sit are old. Ship's steward at that time was a shame to have to invest a lot in garden furniture. He will be pleased to make a good impression, and he is mainly because of its surroundings of a certain style but the garden furniture has no priority.

'And then,' he says, 'if i go?'

'You began it. It was your idea. Then you will find her. Then we are reassured. So it will continue. And then… Yes, then I do not know.'

He leans back on. 'You,' he says, 'You have you not to its concern over the last few years you have not even more called. Not even called. You had to pressure. God should know that. And now you play here to the concerned mother, the woman who could not sleep because the unknown is where her daughter in Namibia exactly whereabouts, if they still is. Maybe they already in Botswana. Or Zaire.'

'I still had a life next to my children, yes. That is not a crime. That is my right.'

'Next? Do you call that next to it? It was not next to it. It was over them, there cross through it. Not next to it.'

'What I also have done over all these years and not done, and what I have said about her, and also what they said to me, I keep her mother. I am no longer your wife, but I am still her mother.'

He is. In the kitchen he keeps his wrists under cold water. He shivering.

Slowly dries his hands.

He sees how they the garden chairs folding and into the barn. They are cold. They put the wine glasses and the nuts on a tray. She runs to him. She looks at him.

'Well,' he says soft, 'I go there. You are right. I should do it. It is better. The unusable goes to Africa.'

They put the tray on the worktop and picks up his hand with a tenderness that he will find provocative. In this phase of his life is tenderness shocking.

'probably find them the fun too, if you were suddenly to emerge in Africa. You know how fond Tirza on you? She is really terrible love you.'

'probably,' he says, 'probably she likes. It would not surprise me. She loves me.'

He raises his hand, he holds his wrists back under the cold tap water.

The next morning he buys a ticket, via Zurich and Johannesburg to Wind Angle, with South African Airways. He must still be waiting three days before he can leave. The next few days are the flights completely full. Cheap tickets are not more.

That last days it does not go to Schiphol. He works in the garden, does groceries, runs a round by the Vondelpark.