I was starting to get used to females describing sexual relations so graphically, but Tiny looked more than a bit uncomfortable with June’s revelation.
I admit that I had fantasies of having sex with a black woman—June was even the star of some of them. I wondered if this would offend June. I decided to keep this to myself for now.
“The first time I decided that I liked Jim, he was doing another girl who invited me,” Kristen said.
“Really?” June said. “Was it Sherry?”
“Sherry?” I asked.
“The girl you brought to the initiation.”
“I know who you’re talking about,” I said. “It wasn’t her, but why did you ask?”
“Sherry moons over you, Jim. She knows you and Kris are really in love, and she likes both of you too much to do anything to interfere. Still, I’ve seen her look at you.”
“It wasn’t Sherry,” Kristen said, ending the subject.
“What was with that nerd you said was bothering the cheerleaders?” Tiny asked me.
“He found a way to force some girls to blow him,” I said. “It was sort of like blackmail or hypnosis. Anyway, he’s no longer an issue.”
“A guy who does that doesn’t stop.”
“I destroyed the tool he used. If he tries to do anything more, the girls will have an easier time saying ‘no’ and stopping it right then and there.”
“And what happens when the kid gets a gun or a knife?” Tiny asked.
I shuddered at the idea.
It also occurred to me that I was guilty of the same thing that Tim Hawking did. Was I no better than a rapist as Tiny thought?
“Sometimes, people see the error of their ways,” I said, quietly.
“Well, I gave the kid’s name to my Mama, and if school girls start coming up raped, he’ll be on the list of suspects,” Tiny said.
“That was probably a good idea,” I finally agreed.
I swam away by myself after that conversation, and thought about what Tiny said. After I had a regular relationship with Patty, and especially with Kristen, I didn’t have any interest in using the tickets or any other means of coercion with anybody. Kristen really fulfilled all my sexual needs now, and with Camille and now Lynette seeming to be part of it, I would be the stupidest person in the world to ask for anybody else.
If this weekend was any indication, there were many girls who were already willing to do me without my having to force them to do so.
I couldn’t see how I could possibly be a danger to others, but Tiny now made me unsure.
Now, of course, I could see where my reasoning was faulty. It was easy to consider rape a sexual act, and this was the way a lot of people thought about it back then during the 1970s, and perhaps some people still think that way. I know now that rape isn’t a sexual act, but an act of violence. Rape isn’t about sex, but about submitting somebody to your will.
Thinking about it now, I think that Kristen may have seen that dark side of me and took preventive measures. She told me to treat her as a slave, but I didn’t do that too often. Now, she managed to acquire one person whose job was to act as and be called Pussy Slave. I doubt that Kristen even knew about her motives consciously, but her actions could be sort of like a pressure valve, which differentiated myself from Tim Hawking. Additionally, Tim Hawking was extremely misogynistic—a word I didn’t even know at the age of sixteen—and his disdain for women was patently obvious. I can see now that Tiny was probably right about him, and although I’ve lost track of Tim over the years, the fact that his name was known to Tiny’s mother, a rape counselor at our local precinct, may have helped to catch him if he continued down the path he started.
Despite what I know now, during that party, Tiny’s observations were very disheartening to me. I hated to lump myself along with the likes of Tim Hawking, but what Tiny said reignited the old doubts I had about myself last autumn.
Patty saw me and swam over to me. She was alone and said, “What’s wrong, Jim?”
“Did I ever tell you about Tim Hawking?”
“Cammy told me about him,” Patty said. “From what she said, but didn’t say, could I assume that he had access to your tickets?”
“He had his own roll, actually.”
“Shit!” Patty said, alarmed. “That guy’s a walking time bomb!”
“I managed to get rid of his tickets. That’s not the problem.”
“I’m confused,” Patty said.
“I heard him forcing Sherry to give him head. He was nasty and called her a whore. I didn’t know it was Sherry at the time, or I would have killed him. Luckily, that didn’t happen. I was able to confront him with Tiny at a party and I got rid of his tickets.”
“Tiny knows about them?”
“No,” I said. “Tiny’s not sure how Tim worked the magic. Anyway, Tiny said that even if he didn’t have what I took from Tim, he might rape again.”
Patty nodded. My heart sank even further.
“Patty! I’m as bad as he was! I took advantage of you, Camille, Wendy, a girl named Marla, Patrice, and even my fucking sister!”
“What?” Patty said, confused.
“I just looked at my sister’s naked body,” I said. “You know about the others.”
“Marla?”
“A girl who was visiting from California,” I said.
Patty finally made the connection. “You think you’re as bad as Tim?”
I nodded, rather than answer.
Kristen swam over and joined us. “Did you have fun with Pussy Slave, Patty?”
Patty looked at me. “How did you get Lynette to agree to that, Jim?” she demanded.
“She’s had a crush on Kristen for years. She told me and she also told Kristen. Kristen knew that, and told Lynette that the only way she could get Kristen was to become this person.”
Patty looked at Kristen. “You made Lynette a slave for life?”
Kristen shook her head. “Nope. I told her to drive over to my house at any time. She’s to tell security that she’s Pussy Slave. If they let her in, then she’s that person until she leaves my house. It’s all her own free will.”
Patty laughed. “That sounds so… weird, Kris! I’m sorry, Jim. I just thought…”
“But that’s why I’m upset at myself,” I said. “Tiny said that once a rapist, always a rapist.”
“It’s not always black and white, Jim,” Patty said, soothingly.
Kristen face registered a look of shock as she made the connection between the conversation we had about Tim and how I was feeling about myself.
I shook my head.
“Jim, I just told you that he’s a walking time bomb. Something is going to eventually set him off. He should get help, but you are nothing like him!”
“How can you say that? I did the same things he did!”
“Jim, I was there,” Patty said. “The worst I ever saw you was when you almost destroyed Kristen. Before that, when you were with me, you made it feel as if we were having fun. I’d imagine it was the same with the others.”
“You said that I almost destroyed Kris, here!”
Kristen went to say something, but Patty glared at her.
“And you did,” Patty said, turning back to me. “But you fixed it. When you found out what happened, you didn’t laugh and humiliate her some more. You fixed it. You tried to make it better. You took responsibility and you did the right thing. Does that sound the same as Tim Hawking?”
“No, but…”
“Kris has forgiven you many times over,” Patty continued. “You’ve proven your love to her just as much.”