“See, that’s what I love about you. Always something smart to say.”
Suppressing the urge to roll my eyes, I put on my most sarcastic tone. “It wasn’t meant to be funny, Nolan.”
“I know.” He sounded dejected, and I actually nearly felt sorry for him. “I deserve that you’re punishing me . . . I even get why. But you’ve got to believe me when I tell you that shit is never going to happen again. I realize what a fool I’ve been, and I want you back. I’m prepared to take the punishment you’re dishing out—even watching you let another man fuck you, as hard as that was. But don’t you think that’s enough? Don’t you think it’s time we kiss and make up and fix this whole mess?”
“Exactly what part of it is over don’t you understand?”
A long, drawn-out silence followed. Maybe there is something wrong with my phone.
I was just about to put the cell down when Nolan spoke again. His voice was decisive and cold, yet devoid of emotion.
“It’s not over, Eva. Not until I say it is.”
A chill ran up my spine. This was the side of Senator Parker that frightened me. How could I ever have thought I was in love with this man?
“You only want me back because you think you’re missing out on something. But you’re not. We would never have made it as a couple. I didn’t see it at the time, but it’s glaringly obvious to me now.” I moved from the bathroom to the bedroom and opened a drawer from the dark wood chest of drawers to find sleepwear. “Move on. Find someone else. Women think you’re the shit; you shouldn’t have a problem finding a willing candidate to suck your dick.”
“Yeah, I know. But none of them have your fire. No other woman is anything like you. After I’ve fucked them, they bore me. And you know how much I hate being bored.”
I nearly laughed. Nearly. He wanted me back because I didn’t bore him? I’d smack myself on the head if I ever fell for a man that shallow again. Not once had he said anything about loving me. As usual, it was all about him—his likes and dislikes, his needs and wants.
“Goodnight, Nolan. I’m ready for bed.” I squeezed the tube of toothpaste from the middle, exactly the way he hated, depositing a squiggly line of toothpaste onto the brush.
“Wait. Don’t go.”
I shoved the toothbrush into my mouth and started brushing.
“What?” I asked, speaking with a mouth full of minty foam. I was well and truly over this conversation.
“Give me another chance. Let me take you on a date tomorrow night.” Nolan had put on his most persuasive smooth and silky voice. How did I ever think it was fucking sexy?
I spat the toothpaste out and rinsed my mouth. Tired and irritated, I raised my voice. “I’m going to say this one last time, so listen very carefully. We. Are. Over. Done. Finished.”
Heavy breathing came at me down the line.
Frustrated, I threw the phone against the wall, letting it smash to the floor.
Wrong man. Wrong everything.
Chapter 24 — Harrison
At first I wanted to tell Bill to go fuck himself. So I did.
It didn’t make me feel any better. By some fucking cruel miracle, I’d made it home in one piece. That’s how much God hated me; I couldn’t even get myself wrapped around a fucking pole and put an end to my miserable fucking life.
Stumbling through the darkness, I bumped into several pieces of furniture before I fell face down onto my bed. So many thoughts raced through my intoxicated brain that I had a hard time shutting up the voices.
You fool. What made you ever think you were good enough for a woman like Eva?
What kind of man are you?
I don’t want you anywhere near my daughter.
What kind of man are you?
Eva deserves to be happy. She doesn’t need a loser like you in her life.
What kind of man are you?
Round and round it went, driving me to the brink of insanity.
Billy Boy was right. I had no business going after a woman like Eva. No business screwing up her life. No business wanting her as much as I did.
I rolled off the bed and shuffled to the bathroom. As I took a piss, I glared at the reflection of a harrowed face staring back at me.
What happened to the young man with stars in his eyes and love in his heart? The man who had dreams for a bright and happy future? I’d lost him a long, long time ago. Tried to ignore him, disown him . . . kill him.
But I’d failed. Somewhere deep inside the darkest corners of my fucking soul, he was still alive. He refused to be put down like a rabid dog. However small, the flicker of his light kept burning; he kept hoping that someday I’d wake up and realize life did indeed go on.
Persistent little fuck. He never gave up hope that someday I’d be saved.
I laughed. Loud.
Wasn’t it fucking ironic that just as I’d worked out that I wanted—no, needed—the woman who’d nearly saved my fucking depraved soul from damnation, I’d also worked out that I didn’t deserve her. She was better off without a screwed up motherfucker like me in her life.
I kicked off my shoes, ripped off my jeans and shirt, and got under the shower. Scalding hot water burned my skin, but I loved the pain. Pain was the only way I really knew I was indeed still alive.
Letting the water flow over me, I flinched. My skin felt as if it was burning up alive. My dick ached from where Eva had bitten it, her teeth marks still visible on the smooth skin as a reminder that it was she who owned me. My hand rubbed over the small indentations at the base of my neck where she had also left her mark.
God, how fucking alive I’d felt while she’d used my body to free herself from her pain. For once, I’d felt light and useful.
I sank down into the corner of the cubicle and let the water jet down on me. It was this or a bottle of Jack.
I sat there until the water ran cold. Funny how the icy water stung my skin worse than the scalding hot stream did. My dick had shriveled up, hiding from the world and me in shame.
Was this really what I’d become? A heartless fucker who didn’t care about anyone, not even himself? A man who’d caused the death of two unborn babies, who would never get to suck air into their lungs? A man who hadn’t been able to save the girl he loved?
I didn’t deserve to live. And I definitely didn’t deserve to love.
Or be loved.
For how long I sat there, I had no idea. Eventually my teeth chattered so hard that I couldn’t ignore it any longer. My skin had wrinkled like that of the old man I felt like deep inside.
Staggering toward my bed, I heard the familiar ringtone I had set especially for Eva’s calls. I wanted to dive for the phone so I could hear her sweet voice. I needed her to tell me everything was going to be okay. But I just let it ring out, stuck underneath a pile of clothes in the bathroom. My heart—and everything inside me—ached like a motherfucker. Letting go was so much harder than I’d imagined. Even if she wouldn’t let me fuck her ever again, just holding Eva all night long would be enough.
I'd never felt like this before. Not even with Amy. It was fucking with my mind. But most of all, it was fucking with my heart.
This pain. This torturing pain. It meant I was still alive.
I wanted it to stop. The pain. The torture.
To stop forever.
I was so fucking tired.
Tired to the fucking bone.
Tired of everything.
I drifted into a deep sleep but not before the familiar ringtone called to me again and again and again.
Eva.
Eva.
Eva.