Let the cops think psycho.
A psycho acts compulsively, hears voices inside his head, thinks someone's commanding him to do what he's doing. Me, I never hear voices except when I'm listening to my Sony Walkman. Comedians. Walk along with the earphones on, listen to their jokes. Woody Alien, Bob Newhart, Bill Cosby, Henny Youngman hellip;
Take my wife. Please.
For our anniversary, my wife said she wanted to go someplace she'd never been. I said, How about the kitchen?
My wife wanted a mink coat, and I wanted a new car. We compromised. I bought her a mink coat and we keep it in the garage.
Walk along, listen to the comics, laugh out loud, people probably think I'm nuts. Who cares? There isn't anyonecommanding me to kill these girls mdash;
Ooops, excuse me, I beg your parmigiana. Mustn't get the feminists on my back, they'd be worse to deal with than cops. Next city, maybe I'll do five. Get five of them and then move on. Two, three, four, five, nice arithmetical progression. Keep moving, keep having fun, just the way Mother wanted it. What's the sense of life if you can't enjoy it? Live a little, laugh a little, that's the thing. These women mdash;got it right that time, Ms. Steinem mdash;arefun to do.
Try to dopethat one out, officers.
Keep on looking for a psycho, go ahead.
When all you're dealing with is somebody as sane as Sunday.
Larry's Bar,
Welcome home, he thought, and opened the door.
"What'll it be?" Larry asked him.
"This guy comes into a bar, has a little monkey on his shoulder."
"Huh?" Larry said.
"This is a joke," he said. "The bartender asks him 'What'll it be?' The guys says, 'Scotch on the rocks,' and the monkey says, 'Same for me.' The bartender looks at both of them and says, 'What are you, a ventriloquist?' The monkey says, 'Were my lips moving?' "
"That's a joke, huh?" Larry said.
"Gin and tonic," he said, and shrugged.
"How about your monkey?"
"My monkey's driving," he said.
Larry blinked.
"That's another joke."
"Oh," Larry said, and looked at him. "You been in here before?"
"Nope. First time."
" 'Cause you look familiar."
"People tell me I look like Robert Redford."
"Nowthat's a joke," Larry said, and put the drink in front of him. "Gin and tonic, three bucks, a bargain."
He paid for the drink, sat sipping it, eyes on the mirror.
"Nice crop tonight, huh?" Larry said.
"Maybe."
"What are you looking for? We had a Chinese girl in here ten minutes ago. You dig Orientals?"
"This samurai comes home from the wars," he said.
"Is this another joke?"
"His servant meets him at the gate, tells him his wife's been making it with a black man. The samurai runs upstairs, breaks down the bedroom door, yanks out his sword, yells, 'Whassa this I hear, you make it with a brack man?' His wife says, 'Where you hear such honkie jive?' "
"I don't get it," Larry said.
"I guess you had to be there."
"Where?"
"Forget it."
"We got some nice black girls in here tonight, if that's what you're lookin' for."
Larry was thinking about his twenty-percent commission. Drum up a little trade here.
"This old man goes into a whorehouse hellip;"
"This ain't a whorehouse," Larry said defensively.
"This is another joke. Old guy, ninety-five years old. He tells the madam he's looking for a blowjob. The guy's so frail he can hardly stand up. The madam says, 'Come on, mister, you've had it.' He says, 'I have? How much do I owe you?'"
"Nowthat's funny," Larry said.
"I know a hundred jokes about old people."
"Thatfunny, it wasn't."
"This old guy is sitting on a park bench, crying his heart out. Another guy sits next to him, says hellip;"
"Hi."
He turned.