“Somebody blackmailing you?”
He thought about it. “Maybe,” he said. “I don’t know.”
“Go to the cops.”
He knew she wasn’t being serious. “I just wanted to see you again, to let you know that I couldn’t see you anymore. After this, I mean.” He paused, trying to make sense. “I don’t want you mixed up in it, is what I’m saying. This guy, he’s bad. He’s really bad, and I don’t want you to get hurt.”
“You’re scaring me here,” she said, her bored tone belying the statement. “Who’s trying to hurt me?”
“Nobody,” John said. “He doesn’t even know you exist.” He rubbed his face with his hands, letting out something like a groan. “This doesn’t mean anything to you,” he said. “I’m sorry I bothered you with this. I just wanted to see you one last time.”
“Why?”
“Because of what you told me about your first kiss. I just…” He tried a smile. “I was a real loser in school. Girls didn’t really want to have anything to do with me.”
“I got a news flash, junior. They still don’t.” Her words were sharp but her tone told him she was teasing.
He said, “I went to jail real early. I was up for twenty years.”
“Am I supposed to feel sorry for you?”
He shook his head. He had stopped expecting people to feel sorry for him a long time ago. “I want to thank you for telling me that story about Stewie and all. I’ve been thinking about it a lot, and it’s a really nice story.”
She chewed her bottom lip, her eyes searching his. “All right. You told me.”
“And I…” His voice trailed off. He’d rehearsed this a hundred times at work, but now nothing was coming to him.
“You what?” she prompted. “You wanna fuck me?”
“Yeah.” He couldn’t lie. “Yeah, I really do.”
“Well, shit, you could’ve saved me some fucking time just saying that to begin with.” She started back up the road, saying, “It’s ten for the room, thirty for a half-and-half. No Greek, no hitting or I’ll rip your fucking cock off.”
She was about ten feet away before she realized he wasn’t following her. “What the fuck is wrong with you?”
“Thank you,” he repeated. Then, “Good-bye.”
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
Look at me,“ his mother had said, leaning over the table in the visitors’ room. It was her first time seeing him since he’d gotten to Coastal, and neither one of them said anything about Zebra, the hospital, the fact that John was having to sit on an inflatable cushion just to talk to her.
“You will not waste away in here,” she told him. “You will do something with your life.”
He sat there crying, big tears rolling down his cheeks, his chest shaking as he tried to keep in the sobs.
“You aren’t a boy anymore, John. You are a strong man. You will survive this. You will get out of here eventually.”
Emily still had hope for the appeals. She believed in the justice system, didn’t think the founding fathers had designed this sort of treatment for a sixteen-year-old boy.
“I got you these,” she said, indicating the textbooks she’d brought in with her. Math and science, his two favorite subjects back when he actually enjoyed school.
She told him, “You can still get your GED.”
John stared blankly. He was wearing a diaper to catch the pus coming out of his ass and his mother was worried about him graduating from high school.
She said, “You’ll need it to get into college when you get out.”
Education. Emily had always insisted that education was the only thing that truly enriched your life. As far back as he could remember, his mother had always had a book she was reading, some article she’d clipped from the paper or a magazine that she found interesting and wanted to remember.
“Are you listening to me, Jonathan?”
He couldn’t even nod.
“You’ll get your GED, and then you’ll go to college, okay?” She took his hand in hers. His wrists were still bruised where the men had held him down. One of the guards stepped forward, but didn’t break them apart.
“You will not give up in here,” she told John, her grip tight, as if she could force some of her strength into him, take the pain away and carry it herself. She had always said that she would rather suffer herself than see her children hurt, and John saw for the first time that it was true. If Emily could, she would trade places with him right now. And he would let her.
“Do you understand me, Jonathan? You will not give up in here.”
He hadn’t spoken to anyone in four and a half weeks. The taste of his own shit and other men’s come was still stuck to the back of his throat like molasses. He was scared to open his mouth, scared his mother would smell it on him and know what he had done.
“Tell me, John,” she had said. “Tell me you will do this for me.”
His lips were stuck together, chapped, bleeding. He kept his teeth clamped tight, stared at his hands. “Yes.”
Two weeks later, she asked him if he had been studying. He lied to her, said he had. John was celled up with Ben by then, not sleeping at night because he was terrified the older man was biding his time, playing out some game as he waited for the right moment to make his move.
“Sweetheart,” Ben had finally said. “You flatter yourself if you think you’re my type.”
In retrospect, John was his type: young, dark hair, slim build, straight. Ben had never crossed that line, though, and there were only two times that John had seen him truly angry. The most recent was when the planes had been crashed into the Pentagon and World Trade towers. For days after, Ben had been too livid to speak. The first time he showed his anger was years before, when he had caught John with drugs.
“You will not do this, boy,” Ben had ordered, his hand gripped so tightly around John’s wrist that the bones felt ready to break. “You hear me?”
John looked into his eyes, knew that the last man who had seen Ben Carver this angry had ended up floating naked and facedown in a shallow pond outside an abandoned church.
“I will turn them loose on you, son. Like a pack of jackals. Do you understand me?”
The protective custody wing had ten cells with two men each. Six of them were pedophiles. Two liked girls, four were stalkers of young boys. At night, John could hear them jerking off, whispering his name as they moaned their release.
“Yes, sir,” John had answered. “I promise.”
The rest of the offenders in the wing were like Ben. They preyed on adults on the outside, so John felt fairly safe around them. But sex was sex, and on the inside, you took fresh ass where you could get it. He had found out later from Ben that all of them had at separate times offered various trades for a go at the new boy. Prison etiquette dictated that as cellmates, Ben had first dibs. As time wore on and Ben didn’t take his due, some of the guys got twitchy; but every last one of them, from the baby-rapers to the child-killers, was afraid of Ben. They thought he was a sick bastard.
Those first few years in lockup, John blocked off every day in his calendar with a big X, counting down until he was released. Aunt Lydia was working on his case, trying to find every angle she could exploit to get him out. Appeal after appeal was rejected. Then, Aunt Lydia came one day with Emily and they both told him that the Georgia Supreme Court had refused to hear his case. Lydia had been his champion, the only other person aside from his mother who had insisted he fight it out in court and not take the plea the state offered.
Her expression said it all. It was the end of the line. There were no other options.
The state plea had been fifteen years no parole. Lydia had told him not to take it, that she would fight for his innocence with every bone in her body. Now he was looking at twenty-two to life.
Aunt Lydia shook with sobs. John ended up being the one to comfort her, trying to soothe her with his words, absolve her from the guilt she felt for not saving him.