“Why the hell would you have a carport?” Lennon reached for the marlin and carefully pulled it from my grasp back away from the flame. “And I’m not letting you burn these. I understand this is a therapeutic exercise in ridding yourself of that oaf you seem to have attached yourself to,” I smirked at her teasing, “but these are phenomenal.”
I let go of her hand and allowed her to pack up my painting back into their portfolio, feeling a sense of relief. Maybe Kensie was right, and I wasn’t ready yet. “What will we do with this now?” I sniffed at pointed at the fire.
“I brought marshmallows.” Kensie gave me a squeeze before letting me loose.
“And chocolate?” I asked.
“Duh.” She smiled and helped Lennon gather the remaining paintings.
“Bluebell. Where you at, old man?” I asked walking into the old trailer, shivering at the amount of shit around. Jesus, look at all those tat magazines on the table. They were just, everywhere.
“Stop organizing my shit.” Blue’s voice rasped down the hallway.
“Come talk to me outside, then. All this stuff makes me sweaty.” I wiped my hand across my forehead.
Blue tossed his hand toward the front door. “Out with you then, ya woman.”
I sat on the front steps waiting for him to come out with me and looked over at my old place. Didn’t seem like Brenda was home today. Not surprising, though. She wasn’t ever home when I lived there, either. Kinda worked in my favor with the ladies.
“Why ain’t you with your lady on your day off,” Blue gruffed, sitting down next to me. Fuck. I fell into my hands.
“I’ve got shit to do,” I told Blue, feeling nauseous. I should have kept my distance from the bachelor party, but I didn’t have it in me. I watched her hiding in the corner of the club and resisted the need to pull her to me. She wasn’t as gorgeous as usual, though. It might seem messed up to say, because she was hot as hell, but she didn’t smile. That smile was so damn pretty.
When she ran off after the body shot, I chased her. It wasn’t until I reached the cabana she’d hidden herself in that I realized I should have let her go. I didn’t know why I couldn’t let her go. I was a selfish asshole who knew she deserved better, but I wouldn’t walk away. When she asked me to look at her, I almost caved. I wanted more than anything to stare into those brown eyes and forget reality. But what she would have given to me in those eyes was something I couldn’t have.
I knew she would stand by me, I knew she wouldn’t leave, so I said the one thing that would push her away. I told her that she was just another girl. It still twisted me up that I said that. She wasn’t another girl and never would be. She was the one I’ve dreamed of.
“Dumbass.” Blue pulled out a cigarette, and I knocked it out of his hand onto the ground with my Spidey reflexes. He stared at me. I stared ahead.
“No smoking. And I picked up some of your meds. They’re in my car.” I went to the pharmacy on my way back from meeting with the realtor this morning.
Blue cursed under his breath. “This is why I didn’t want you knowin’, Marilyn. You don’t have to take care of me, son.” He slapped his hand on my shoulder.
“You’re my family.” I looked at him straight on. “I’m taking care of you.”
“Well, that pretty little girl could be your family someday too, if you want her.” Yeah, I want her. “So stop being a dumbass and take care of her first. I’m not going anywhere, son, but she doesn’t have to stay and put up with your shit.”
“You don’t get it.” I sighed, kicking my shoes on the step.
“Don’t get what? Don’t get that you have the woman you’ve been waiting for, that you thought never existed? Don’t get how scary it is to find something so special, and be scared as fuck that it can just go away?”
“Well, yeah.” I kicked a rock and watched it bounce down the stairs.
“Don’t get that you think she’s too good for ya? That no way could she want a sorry son of a bitch like yourself?”
“Yeah,” I huffed watching the rock fall into a crack in the sidewalk.
“Took me a long time to figure out that no amount of money can take care of a woman right. That entire garage is full of all the crap I can’t let go of because it reminds me of the woman I lost figuring that out too late.”
“What?” I tore my eyes away from the rock and looked at Blue. He’d never mentioned a woman in his life before. Sure, we teased him at the shop about his old days as a player, but he’d always just laugh along.
“I had a good woman once. Joined the Army thinking I could take care of her. Didn’t expect to be sent off to war. Didn’t expect to leave her alone. I wrote her a letter and broke it off. I wanted her to find a man who was there for her physically, not just taking care of her with money.”
“Did you love her?” I asked him, but I wasn’t sure why.
“Course I did. Loved her more than my fuckin’ self. That’s the sorry excuse I used when I pushed her away, too.”
Blue took out another cigarette. I let him smoke this one. “So did she wait for you?”
“Fuck no. She did exactly what I thought I wanted her to do. Fell in love with some top-notch guy and had babies. She’s still married while my sorry ass hasn’t ever let her go. Can’t. She still has my heart.” He took one deep drag then tossed the cigarette to the ground and stomped it out right over my rock.
Shit, that would be me. There had never been another girl for me than Capri, and there never would be.
“Look, son, take it from me. You don’t wanna push her so far away that she runs into another man’s arms. You want her in yours.” He leaned into his elbow and coughed.
“I do.” I agreed with him. I wanted her in my arms all the time forever and ever. “But—”
“Ah…” Blue held his hand up to me. “Enough of the bitchin’ and moanin’ about not being good enough and let me tell you something else about women. You never tell them what to think. If she says you’re worth it, then dammit, Marilyn, you sure as hell are.” He clapped me on the back then stood up.
“Lemme have my legal drugs,” he mumbled and shuffled toward my car but stopped halfway there. “She smart?” he called back behind him.
“What?” I asked standing to catch up to him.
“Your lady. She smart?”
“Yeah.” I nodded. “So much smarter than anyone I’ve ever known.”
“Even you?” He looked smirked back at me.
“Do balls sweat in the summer?” Of course.
“There ya have it,” he tossed back.
The radio gods have spoken. Those assholes made me listen to Radiohead’s “Creep” the whole way home. I got it, radio gods. I was a jackass and had probably completely messed up the best thing to happen to me.
I still wasn’t convinced that I was the kind of man Capri should have, but after talking to Blue, one thing was for sure. I couldn’t handle the thought of her with someone else, and if that made me selfish, then so be it. I just wanted her happy, and I was pretty sure my happiness making skills were off the charts, though, obviously not lately. Shit, I’d wrecked her. I saw it in the way her body dragged when she left me in the cabana. All I wanted was what was best for her, and what I thought was the right thing to do had made the worst of her.
I parked my car in front of August’s truck outside of my complex. It didn’t surprise me that he was here, but I did dry heave at the condition of his truck. Has he never heard of a drive-thru carwash?
“I’m an asshole, I know.” I kept my head down and held my hand up, unlocking my door.