Then, when the money was saved and the time came, I could’ve just broken things off. Hell, we might not have even lasted that long. Maybe we weren’t suited. Maybe it would have only been a few weeks or months.
… No.
I heard the word in my head as though it had been spoken out loud. I knew with a rare certainty that Duane was right. We were suited. Withholding the truth of my dreams would be withholding myself, and that was exceedingly unfair to him. It was one thing to pretend with my folks, because they could handle me being zany from time to time, and assume my wanderlust was a phase.
It was quite another matter to keep my true self from Duane. He didn’t deserve that.
At length, he lifted his gaze to mine and I was saddened—but not surprised—to see it was completely shuttered.
“Are you hungry?” His tone was flat as he indicated to the cups and covered bowls with a tilt of his chin. “Because I’m hungry.”
I tried to apologize with just my eyes and my chin wobbled; I managed to answer, “Yeah, I’m hungry.”
He nodded again then turned, dropped to his knees, and gestured me over with a wave of his hand. “Then let’s eat.”
CHAPTER 10
“One's destination is never a place, but a new way of seeing things.”
― Henry Miller
~Duane~
“So, how was your date with Catastrophic Engine Failure?”
I wasn’t expecting the question because I wasn’t expecting my brothers’ return until later in the afternoon, so I couldn’t hide my automatic grimace.
I lifted just my eyes from the wood pile, found my brothers nearing the chopping block and watching me expectantly. Then, to my chagrin, Beau and Cletus shared a concerned glance when I remained silent.
“That bad, huh?” Beau scratched his beard.
“I don’t want to talk about it.” I picked up a new log, set it in place, and brought the axe down, splitting it with one stroke.
“Okay.” Beau nodded, letting the matter drop.
“What happened?” Cletus asked, stepping forward and not letting the matter drop.
What happened… That was the question I didn’t much want to think about. That question drove me out here to the woodshed, splitting logs we didn’t need, biding my time until I could race at The Canyon this evening and burn off my aggression.
Last night after Jessica’s clarification of the situation, what it was she wanted, we’d eaten in silence, walked back to the car in silence, driven home in silence, and I’d dropped her off. And that was that. Things were over before they’d begun, because I wasn’t going to fuck around with Jessica James.
There are just some girls you can’t fuck around with, because doing so would be handing over your man card. She’d own my pride first, then my heart, then my spirit. Then she’d leave, taking all three with her.
On my drive home I’d briefly considered calling Tina. I could fuck around with her, no problem. But I didn’t. Nothing had changed, not really. I was tired of fucking around. And the thought of touching Tina when I craved Jess… No. There was no adequate substitution.
I frowned at my older brother. “Nothing. Nothing happened.”
Cletus returned my frown and paused, as though mulling the issue over, before he asked, “Will there be a second date?”
“Cletus.”
“Duane.”
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Can I ask her out?”
I reckon something in my glare must’ve communicated the intensity of my sudden, irrational, and visceral response to his question, because Cletus lifted his hands between us as though he surrendered, and took a step back.
“Hold your claws, Wolverine. I’m not going to ask Miss James to step out. I was merely gathering data. I see your feelings for her haven’t changed.”
“No. They haven’t.”
“Then I guess I just don’t understand why things aren’t progressing in a satisfactory manner. Did Jackson James do something to interfere?”
“Nothing of note.”
“Did her parents object?”
“No,” I said through gritted teeth.
Cletus pressed his lips together, his eyes narrowing on me like I was under suspicion of criminal consorting. “Did you do something untoward?”
“No. Damn it, Cletus! Can’t you just let this go?”
“No, sir. I cannot. I like things to be fixed, situated, orderly, where they belong. You and Miss James aren’t situated, where you belong. As such, I feel compelled to fix the situation.”
I threw the axe down so the blade cut through the earth. “Fine. You want to know what happened? She told me she’s only interested in a temporary thing. She’s not planning on staying in Green Valley. She wants to leave as soon as possible and isn’t looking for permanent. She’s got…” I paused, glaring unseeingly around the yard as I searched for the word she used; finding it, I threw my hands in the air and kicked the pile of split wood as I finished, “She’s got fucking wanderlust bullshit issues.”
Beau’s eyebrows arched high on his forehead. “Fucking wanderlust bullshit issues? You mean, she likes to go hiking?”
“No,” Cletus answered for me, his expression grave and thoughtful. “I believe our dear brother Duane means she’s wanting to travel the world, and doesn’t want any strings holding her to one place.”
“Yes, that. What he said.” I lifted my chin and scanned the contents of the shed behind them for no reason. The sooner this conversation ended, the better.
Beau glanced between Cletus and me, he appeared to be confused and confirmed my suspicion when he said, “So?”
“So…” I shrugged. “So there’s not going to be a second date.”
Again, Beau glanced between Cletus and me like he was missing something. “Why not?”
This time Cletus and I shared a look of commiseration.
Cletus huffed his impatience, then turned to Beau like he was going to set matters straight on my behalf.
“Because…” Cletus started, but then stopped. He blinked at Beau. Then his eyes narrowed like he was thinking the matter over and reconsidering his earlier assumptions.
I frowned at them both.
“Now wait a minute.” Cletus held his index finger up and pointed at Beau, then he pointed at me. “No, wait just a minute. Beau has a point.”
I groaned, seething, and glanced at the darkening sky over their heads. Why were we still talking about this?
Meddling brothers. Goddamn chickens, the lot of them.
“She wants a temporary interlude, so what?”
I gritted my teeth, crossed my arms, and decided to wait for Cletus to talk himself tired. But then, surprisingly, his next statement caught my attention.
“Everything is temporary, Duane. This,” he gestured to our surroundings, “this is temporary. Even mountains fall. Nothing lasts forever. You got a chance at happiness, even for a week, a month, a year? You grab it and you hold on to it for as long as it lasts.”
“Exactly.” Beau nodded vehemently; now he was frowning, looking as serious as I’d ever seen him. “You have a chance to be with her, even for a short time? You take it. Because when she leaves, you’ll still have that.”
I shook my head, not liking the cast of their words. “You want me to settle? That’s fucking pathetic.”
“No. I want you to seize.” Cletus dropped his hand on my shoulder and gave me a little shake. “You seize that woman. You make her yours.”
I examined Cletus as he spoke. I liked the words seize and make. Those were action words I could appreciate, words that made me re-think my earlier conclusions. I glanced between my brothers and actually allowed myself to consider the possibility of taking what I could get from Jess, for as long as I could get it.