. . . just as the expression his face got a lot grimmer.
"Try me, querida," he said in a voice that was as hard as his grasp.
And then - don't ask me how or what I was thinking because, truthfully, I don't think I was - it all came spilling out.
I hadn't wanted to tell him. Not because I didn't want to upset him. God, nothing like that. No, I didn't want him to find out for the most selfish of all reasons: I hadn't wanted to tell him for fear he'd agree with Father Dominic and my dad - that he'd prefer another chance at life than eternity as a ghost.
But out it poured, everything, from what Dr. Slaski had told me to what Father Dom had said on the phone just a few hours ago. It was a raging flood that couldn't be stopped, the torrent of words coming from my mouth. I wanted to stuff them back as quickly as they spilled out.
But it was too late. It was way too late.
Jesse listened unflinchingly, not interrupting me, even when I told him the part about my deal with Pauclass="underline" our secret arrangement in which I endured Wednesday afternoon 'mediator lessons' with him in exchange for his not sending my boyfriend to the netherworld.
"Only now he doesn't want to kill you, Jesse," I told him bitterly. "He wants to save you, save your life. He's going back through time to stop Felix Diego from killing you. And if he does that . . . if he does that . . ."
"You and I will never meet." Jesse's expression was calm, his voice its normal deepness.
Never had any statement sounded as chilling to me. It felt like a stab wound to the heart.
"Yes," I said frantically. "Can't you see, I've got to go down there - now. Right now - and stop him."
"No, querida," Jesse said, still in that unhurried voice. "You can't do that."
For a second, the terror that was gripping my heart seemed to squeeze it until it stopped. I thought I would die, right there on the spot.
Jesse wanted to live. My dad, Father Dominic, Dr. Slaski, Paul . . . they had been right. They had all been right, and I was the wrong one, me. Jesse would prefer to live than to have met me, to have known me . . .
. . . to have loved me. . . .
I should have known, of course. And I think deep down, I did know. What kind of person - especially one who'd died the age Jesse had been, just twenty - wouldn't want a chance to go back and live again, if he could? What kind of person wouldn't be willing to give up everything he had for that chance?
And what did Jesse have? Nothing. Nothing at all. Just me.
My dad had accused me long ago of being the thing that was holding Jesse back, keeping him from moving on. Father Dominic had said it, as well . . . that if I really loved him, I'd set him free.
And now I knew. Jesse himself would rather be free than be with me.
God. I'd been such a fool. Such a total fool.
Then Jesse let go of my arm.
But instead of saying what I'd expected him to - You can't go after him, because I want the chance. I want the chance to live again, if I can - he said in a voice gone suddenly as cold as the wind outside, "You can't go after him. He's too dangerous. I'll go. I'll stop him."
I wasn't sure I'd heard him right. Had he said - could he possibly have said - what I thought he'd said?
"Jesse," I said. "I don't think you understand. He wants to save you. To keep you from . . . from dying that night."
"I understand," Jesse said. "I understand that Paul is a fool who thinks he's God. I don't know what makes him think it's his right to play with my destiny. But I do know he's not going to succeed. Not if I can stop him."
My circulation seemed to spring to life. Suddenly, I could breathe again. Relief washed over me in waves.
He wanted to stay. Jesse wanted to stay. He would rather stay than live. He would rather stay - with me - than live.
"You can't," I said, my voice sounding freakishly high-pitched even to my own ears. That was the relief I felt, making me giddy. "You can't stop him, Jesse. Paul will - "
"And just what do you intend to do, Susannah?" he demanded sharply. And if I hadn't been convinced before of the sincerity of his wish to remain in this place and time, his gruff tone then would have been enough. "Talk him out of what he plans? No. It's too dangerous."
But love had given me courage I'd never even known I had. I shrugged into my leather motorcycle jacket and said, "Paul won't hurt me, Jesse. I'm the reason he's doing this, remember?"
"I don't mean Paul," Jesse said. "I mean time traveling. Slaski says it's dangerous?"
"Yes, but - "
"Then you're not doing it."
"Jesse, I'm not afraid - "
"No," Jesse said. There was a look in his eye I had never seen before. "I'm going. You're staying here. Leave everything to me."
"Jesse, don't be - "
But a second later, I saw that I was talking to thin air.
Because Jesse was gone.
I knew where he'd disappeared to, of course. He'd gone to the basilica, to have a word with Paul.
And I was betting that that word would be accompanied by a fist.
I was also betting Jesse was going to be too late. Paul wouldn't be at the Mission anymore by the time Jesse got to him.
Or rather, he would be. But not the basilica as we knew it.
There was only one thing, really, that I could do then. And that wasn't, as Jesse had urged, to leave everything to him. How could I, when I could quite possibly wake up in the morning with no memory of Jesse whatsoever?
I knew what I had to do.
And this time, I wasn't going to make the mistake of consulting with anybody beforehand.
I strode across the room, lifted my pillow, and pulled out the miniature portrait of Jesse - the one he'd given to his one-time fiancée, Maria. The one that I'd been sleeping on since the day I'd stolen - er - been given it.
Looking down into Jesse's dark, confident gaze, I closed my eyes and pictured him . . . pictured Jesse in this very room, only not looking as it did now, with a frilly canopy bed and princess phone (thanks, Mom).
No, instead I pictured it as it must have looked 150 years earlier. No ruffled white curtains over the bay window. No window seat scattered with fluffy pillows. No carpet over the wood floor. No - ack! - bathroom, but maybe one of those, what were they called? Oh yeah, chamber pots.
No cars. No cell phones. No computers. No microwaves. No refrigerators. No televisions. No stereos. No airplanes. No penicillin.
Just grass. Grass and trees and sky and wooden wagons and horses and dirt and . . .
And I opened my eyes.
And I was there.
Chapter thirteen
It was my room, but it wasn't.
Where the canopy had stood sat a bed with a brass stand. The bed was covered with a brightly colored quilt, the kind of quilt that my mom would have gone nuts over if she'd seen it in some craft shop. Instead of my vanity table with its big light-up mirror, was a chest of drawers with a pitcher and bowl on it.
There was no mirror anywhere, but on the floor was a rug woven from . . . well, lots of different stuff. It was kind of hard to see really well, because the only light was what little moonlight spilled in from the bay windows. There was no electric switch. I felt for it instinctively the minute I opened my eyes to so much darkness. Where the light switch had been was just wood.
Which could only have meant one thing.
I'd done it.
Whoa.
But where was Jesse? This room was empty. The bed didn't look as if it had been slept in anytime recently.
Had I come too late? Was Jesse already dead? Or had I come too early and Jesse hadn't yet arrived?
There was only one way to find out. I laid my hand on the doorknob - only, of course, there was no knob now, but a latch instead - and went out into the hallway.