"Me and my big mouth." He sighed. "Well, my term of office will be up soon. Guess no one will miss me much if I ride on out of the state. There sure won't be any place for me in town if the old woman hears I said that."
Kirby joined in their laughter, but his eyes were troubled. "Is this an official visit, Lon?"
The sheriff let out a gusty breath. "Yes and no, boy. I stopped by to tell you that I don't look for no trouble about those two hombres got shot up last night. They was known gunmen, and I never did cotton to the idea of hired killers struttin' around the streets of my town. There'll have to be an inquest, but I know Doc Williams will agree they got what was comin' to 'em, seein' as how I was a witness to the shootin'." His face broke into one of his rare smiles. "I wouldn't have missed seein' Joe use that pool cue for a new double eagle. But maybe you'd better be in town this afternoon about two o'clock, just for the record. I ought to be back by then."
"You riding somewhere, Lon? It's a long time until two o'clock."
Lon let out his familiar sigh. "Thought maybe I'd pay a little visit to Dawes' spread. Been curious about that layout for a long time. 'Course I would have another cup of Maria's coffee before I go… was I pressed."
Maria filled all their cups, and the conversation became general until the sheriff ambled out to his horse, the heavy Colt slapping his bony thigh. Kirby's eyes were troubled.
Jen asked a question: "Was there more shooting last night?" Maria stopped work clearing away the table and waited for the answer.
Kirby refused to meet her eyes. "Yes, there was, Jen. But this time you aren't a part of it."
"Did Bill…?"
"No, Bill didn't stop a bullet. But a couple of his hired gunmen are ready for Boot Hill. That was what Lon was talking about."
Jen's voice came from far away. "It's all a part of what I tried to say yesterday. It won't work, Kirby. It just isn't meant for us. Every time you went to town there'd be trouble… gun trouble. I just couldn't stand waiting here at Wagon, never knowing when they'd bring you home tied across your horse. When is it going to end? How will it all end—when both you and Bill are dead? I told you I wanted all of you, a whole man. Maybe I'm selfish… even weak. But I want you, not a bullet-ridden body."
Kirby looked at her, his eyes mirroring hurt and despair. "Maybe you're right, Jen. But I ask you to think of this: I didn't start the trouble! I never wanted to fight. But if I didn't fight for what I think is right, you wouldn't want me then either. No woman would. I'd be a man without self-respect, a man hiding behind a woman's skirts." His voice was very low. "Ma waited here many times while Dad was out fighting for Wagon. I don't believe she ever complained, and I reckon she loved Dad as much as any woman ever loved a man."
Jen caught her breath, her eyes filling with tears.
"You had a right to say that. I guess I'm not as strong as Ma was. But I ask you to remember that she had her man a long time before he ever had to ride out and leave her with fear and dread for company. I just couldn't do it, Kirby. I couldn't marry you, knowing that you might have to leave me, even on our wedding night."
Kirby said nothing for a long time; he looked at her almost as if she were a stranger. Gently he said at last, "Maria will help you get your things together. I'll be ready to take you to town when you're packed." He turned on his heel and left the kitchen, closing the door carefully behind him.
Jen turned to Maria, tears streaming down her face. "I love him, Maria. Can't you see that? Doesn't he know that's why I have to go?"
Maria's dark eyes showed nothing. She made no move to offer comfort, to take the girl into her arms as Jen expected. "Maybe you don't love him enough!" was all she offered. "I'll get your suitcases."
She left Jen standing in a room which had suddenly become unfamiliar, although it was a room she had known all her life. She would never visit the big kitchen again. Kirby's gentle voice and the stiffness of Maria's back as she walked out told her that. I've burned my bridges, she thought. And I know I'm right, even if they don't understand. Maybe I've lost Kirby, but I haven't lost a husband. She walked slowly to her room.
An hour later she finished packing the few things Maria had brought from town. She stood, feeling very lonely, in the big bedroom she had known since girlhood. She was leaving a part of herself in that bedroom, a part of her life that was infinitely precious. She squared her shoulders and, her heart a cold lump in her breast, walked out and closed the heavy oak door.
Maria was back in the kitchen when she went through. She didn't look up or stop what she was doing as Jen paused expectantly, then sadly closed the door behind her. Kirby appeared in the entrance to the shed when she walked across the yard.
"Ready, Josh," he called, and in a few moments the old foreman came from the stable, leading three saddled ponies. Kirby helped her mount without a word and Josh didn't even glance in her direction as they trotted across the muddy yard. Her pony wanted to pitch a bit, and she was glad of the attention she had to give her mount. It was something to do to avoid meeting Kirby's eyes.
"Our whole cavvy needs riding," he said. "This weather none of 'em have been worked enough to get the ginger out of 'em."
"How is the filly this morning?" she asked, grateful for something to say.
"Manuel says that she's going to be all right. He's going to have Miguel keep walking her every day. That way she may not have a stiff shoulder." He grinned ruefully. "Right now he's giving her more attention than I'd get if I were to break a leg." He paused in thought. "I'll have her brought to town as soon as Manuel thinks she's well enough."
Jen shook her head. "Don't do that, Kirby. I've no place to keep her except the livery, and I probably won't do any riding until spring. She'll be better off with Manuel to look out for her. Maybe this spring…" Her voice died away as she realized that for her there wouldn't be any spring except some black letters on a calendar.
"Whatever you say… she belongs to you," Kirby answered.
She was about to say that nothing at Wagon belonged to her any more, but decided not to add to the hurt she saw far back in his eyes.
The rest of the trip into Streeter was made in silence. Under ordinary circumstances it would have been a gay ride. There was one long stretch of trail, where the snow had melted, where she and Kirby would have raced… under Josh's disapproving eyes. She knew that Kirby, too, remembered those wild rides they had shared. But they trotted into the hills in silence. Josh gave his close attention to something between his horse's ears and didn't speak throughout the trip, which was unusual even for the taciturn foreman.
He dropped out of the little procession as they passed the Nugget; Kirby rode on with Jen to the little white cottage. He tied their horses to the fence and carried her things inside.
"It's cold in here," he said as he unlocked the door. "Would you like me to build a fire?"
Jen knew that there was no fire that would warm the coldness building up around her heart. "No, thanks. It will give me something to do."
He shrugged. "Suit yourself. Well, I've got to meet Josh. We have to try and find some hay and…" His excuse fell lamely in the cold stale air of the parlor.
"Kirby!" She held out her hands imploringly. "I can't help feeling the way I do. Won't you please try to understand?"
He made no move to touch her. "I understand, Jen. A person has to do what he thinks is right. You know how I feel, too." He walked swiftly to the door, knowing that if he stayed he would take her into his arms. "Remember this, Jen, no matter what happens. When Ma and Muddy were here you were a part of Wagon. That hasn't changed any. If you have need of me or anyone at Wagon, you have only to send us word." He tried a smile that didn't quite come off. "I'll be seeing you."